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What I See When I Look at My Suicidal Patient in Therapy

Editor's Note

If you experience suicidal thoughts, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741741.

I see your difficulties and your suffering, and I see you question yourself if they are real. I see you feeling bad for not being able to feel well. I hear you when you get angry at yourself for feeling ungrateful with what life has given you, knowing it can always be worse and you “should” be thankful for what you have. I understand when you repeat that you don’t want to die but the suffering is overwhelming and you’re tired of the same.

I wish you would see yourself through my eyes: an incredibly brave person that fights daily with the most vicious demons, which are the ones you carry inside. I wish you understood that you grew up in an imperfect world, with imperfect situations and people and you learned unhealthy coping mechanisms. You can’t blame yourself, but you do have the power to change what is making you sick. I wish you knew that you are not what you are going though; you are more. You are so much more, my dear patient. You have shared with me your desires, your goals, your fantasies and I believe in you. I see you there.

I’ve seen the goodness in you and your special qualities and just the fact that you exist makes the world a better place.

I know it is not death you seek. I know that what you’re looking for is peace. But I know that if you end your present, you will never give the future a chance: completing the projects and goals you have, giving yourself the opportunity to genuinely laugh again, being able to fulfill your dreams.

You are an imperfectly beautiful human being. We all are.

With all my heart, I hope to see you at our next appointment.

Photo by Kirill Balobanov on Unsplash

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