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I’m Supposed to Be Getting My Daughter Ready for College

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I’m supposed to be getting my daughter ready for college. Instead, I have to go visit her at the mausoleum. My daughter was just days from being 18 when she lost her battle with depression and died by suicide. She had full-ride college offers from several great colleges with plans to become a psychologist.

We went to visit her top choices for college just seven months ago. We had a great trip and spent some great time together. We have pictures on each campus together and at the hockey game we got to attend. I am so grateful for that.

I’m not buying new sheets, towels and fun dorm room things. I’m buying flowers to place in her vase on the niche. I’m not preparing to only see her on school breaks and holidays. I’m trying to figure out how to live without seeing her until I myself move to heaven.

I walk through the stores seeing everywhere the sales and the signs for back to school and remember how much fun we had last year picking up crayons, markers, cool pens, notebooks and how we stopped to look at some dorm room décor. I remember getting tears in my eyes knowing that was her last year living at home.  Now I’m trying to wrap my head around the fact that she moved to heaven.

I see her friends all posting about moving into their dorms, leaving home and getting to start their new chapters in life. I am so proud and so happy for all of them, but the sadness takes over for the unwritten chapter my girl was supposed to have.

Instead of talking myself into letting her out of my arms at the college dorms, she left this world just four months ago. My girl died by suicide. I didn’t get to have that long-lasting hug to say goodbye, that moment to embarrass her while meeting all her new roommates and friends or the moment of tears as I drove home alone leaving her to start her college journey.

I’ve had many drives home crying as I left the mausoleum alone, knowing the next time I will see her is when I move to heaven too.

Image via Thinkstock.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. You can reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.

Originally published: September 7, 2016
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