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Those Who Are Suicidal Need to Know They Are Not Alone

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I made it to my 34th birthday, but I didn’t plan to. Only a few months before my birthday, I tried to take my own life. Yes, I’m talking about suicide even though it is taboo and I am also going to talk about depression and mental health struggles as well. Because they are real and they should not be ignored.

No 34-year-old mother of four beautiful children should ever come to a place where she feels there are no other options but death. What is worse — no one should ever feel that alone. Or die alone. That was what bothered my best friend the most about what I did; I was all alone. I hurt a lot of people when I did what I did, and mostly because they don’t understand how someone could do that. Heck, I have a hard time understanding what was going on, but it really was a lot of things.

My friends and family didn’t know about the darkness that creeps in and sits on your chest. Or what it feels like to have your child wrap their arms around you and say they love you, but you just want to squirm away because you do not feel worthy of such love. No one should die alone; even better no one should feel so alone. So why isn’t it talked about more? 

While I write this, there is someone out there who may think that no one, not a soul, knows what they are really thinking. Daily they struggle, and even daily ask for help in some subtle and some not-so-subtle ways. That is sad. It should be OK to talk about our feeling and it should be OK to go to the ER, tell a doctor or a loved one that you are “not OK.”  There should be no fear, no guilt and absolutely no shame!

There is help out there, but you have to get past to barriers to ask for it. It shouldn’t be taboo to talk about mental health issues or even personality disorders. I myself have borderline personality disorder, co-morbid with depression and anxiety, and I have started to speak out more. Because if I can save even one person from how I felt that night, I will talk and talk until I am exhausted. I want to help even that one person. They are worth it; we all are worth it! I was lucky and I was found in time, but it has left its mark on my family. It is hard for my husband to go downstairs without seeing me there. It is hard for him to sleep soundly wondering if I have snuck off. No family should go through that. No one should say goodbye in a letter and no family should have to feel the hurt and bewilderment of a death by suicide or even an attempt of a loved one.

Is it that mental illness makes us look weak? Weak, even though it can take an insurmountable amount of energy to just get out of bed? Even though it is sometimes hard to just brush your hair in the morning? I don’t think that is weakness, I think it is bravery to get up each morning again and again. I think it is brave to say “I am not OK; I need help.”  I want everyone who feels this way or has felt it to know you are not alone. You are not the only one going through this and there is help. Suicide is not a way out. It is just an ending; a very, very, sad ending. We need to talk about this more. We need to save those souls that are most definitely worth saving. We also need to do it now before it is too late!

Please don’t ever ignore someone who attempts suicide; or talks about it. They are not just “looking for attention,” they are looking for help. We can end people having to struggle alone and silently; by ending the taboo against having and struggling with mental illness. So I ask that you find a moment to consider what it may be like to struggle. Keep your eyes open and ears open so those who are crying for help, however silently, can be heard! No more lives need to be lost when we are here to listen!

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. You can reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.

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Image via Thinkstock Images

Originally published: November 10, 2016
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