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When I Wonder If I'm in Danger Again

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Editor's Note

If you experience suicidal thoughts, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741741.

Have you had times when life dumps stuff on you over and over? That’s happened to me so many times! It’s like I have one issue that I’m dealing with, and then something else comes tumbling down on my head! When will I be able to get past this shit? It seems like it goes on, and on, and on…

As I struggle yet again with those suicidal thoughts, I try to find some way out. Yes, there is one way that is truly the wrong way, the way with no return, no second chances. But I want to search for and find the right way! It’s the way that brings me back to life, meaning and hope. In desperation, I continue to try to put hope in my future, rather than give up in despair.

If you’re stuck in this perpetual struggle, please know that I truly understand what you’re feeling. Please know that I support you, no matter what life has dumped on you. This story is no fun, it’s just pain! I do care! I‘m longing for you to find hope here, and know that all is not lost.

Yeah this is something that takes time, so please don’t try to rush it. I wanted to complete this poem… but I couldn’t… yet… I actually had to wait… and come back to it later.

Each of us are on different paths, and I honor and respect whatever path you are on.

This is mine…

Am I In Danger Again?

So… here I am again, caught in this loop of anger, anxiety, and fear
Another fight with my partner
I left the house even though it was 3 a.m.… I drive around in the night
Trying to find a place to hide… but there isn’t any place where I felt safe
I desperately want to escape… but my mind won’t let me
It follows me wherever I go, haunting me

It’s too early in the morning to think… so I don’t
I just react… thinking isn’t there right now
I run away, escape, but it doesn’t change anything
The sinkhole swallows me whole
My chest hurts, my stomach churns
My mind is lost, pulling me away from rational thought

I try to sleep, but to no avail
My neck hurts, my head hurts… again
The emotional pain is overwhelming
I want to stop the pain… but how will I do that?
I head home with only one thought… to stop the pain
Mental, emotional, physical, it all hurts

I go into the house… I just want to stop the pain
No, I don’t want to die…
My stomach churns, I try to sleep
It’s 4 a.m… and I’m lying here wide awake
My body is so jumpy I can’t sleep
I lay there playing games… still wide awake… again
Why can’t sleep?

* * *
Two months go by…

So this is how Spring starts out… suicidal thoughts again.
How will I manage it this time? Or will I?
There’s a lot I haven’t managed very well
Once again I overreacted to the situation
Once again my thoughts go where they never should
I know, should is a shitty word, but it’s the truth today

Two weeks go by… another fight… damn!
It triggers more nasty shit in my head… again!
Why can’t I get out of this pattern? It’s way too familiar!
It’s like I’m walking atop a narrow fence
With wolves on one side, ‘gators on the other!
Either way I go, I lose the battle

The thoughts in my mind are way too painful!
How do I get away from them? How do I escape?
I go visit a friend, can she help? No, I shouldn’t do that
I don’t want to lean on her too much! I don’t want to hurt her!
I talk to my son… uh oh, that didn’t work!
I leave, I’m dissociated… uhhh, where am I?

Days go by… who do I turn to now?
I talk to my therapist… I can’t handle what she says
I look around the house, how do I stop the pain?
I find a way… maybe… will this stop the pain now?
I drive out into the night again
Will this never-ending spiral ever stop?

My husband is frantic, he finds me, he brings me home
He cares for me, he helps me every way he can
I know he loves me, but why do we always have to fight?
Everyone’s worried – I didn’t know they cared!
As they express their concern, I ask myself
Would they really miss me? Do I really matter?

I’m anxious… I meet again with my therapist
She tells me that my husband and I are good for each other
But I think… even when we fight?
She reminds me of the times when we have supported each other
When he’s having a down day, I support him
When I scrape bottom, he’s there to help me up

As the fog around me clears, I push the debris away
The darkness isn’t so deep, the clouds not so thick
I open my eyes and start to see rays of light coming through
No, I’m not out of the woods yet, but the trees aren’t as dense
I pick myself up again, and start the work that I need to do
I rely on the people I need – my husband, my friends, my therapist

I’m continuing my journey, even when I’m mad
I’m taking small steps forward, even when I’m sad
It’s not an easy journey any of us are on
DBT says life is worth living, even when it’s hard
Pulling myself up day by day, hanging on to the hope ahead
I think about these things for a while

What do I have to rely on to keep my head above water?
Perseverance, strength, resilience, self-compassion
A lot of hard work, and a little bit of patience
I’m learning about more resources that will lend me a hand
And when I feel down, I keep my friends close
Because they truly care, to them I do matter

As each day goes by I try to ask myself
Ultimately, who can I rely on every day ahead?
Me, myself, and I
Seriously?? That seems like a daunting task!
But I need to look deep inside, never giving up that amazing search!
Because the One I find inside my mind will always be with me!

* * *

For many that’s enough
But for me, I need to look further than that
Because my Faith is very important to me…

Can I really trust myself? Should I trust myself?
Who should I really be relying on?
I should rely on the One who can make a difference in my life
God is the One who can make that difference
Jesus is the One I will rely on
The One and Only who can truly turn my life around!

So I look forward to the day when I can stop these thoughts
And when I stop, I can focus on Jesus
And the sacrifice He made for me
And for all humanity

If you too are on a trauma healing journey, visit The Tie Dye poet’s website to see more of her work, and check out her book here.

Getty image via joegolby

Originally published: June 24, 2021
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