Questioning the 'Truths' of a Suicidal Mind
To Pooky,
In this moment of unbearable pain, it feels impossible to take another step — unless it’s the one to end it all — but please don’t. As you stand, contemplating whether to go on or to stop, you are basing your decision on a series of truths that need testing. You cannot test these truths when you are gone. Let me help you test them now with the unprompted words of others you will hear in the months following this moment.
Truth? You believe you are a bad mother.
“You are the best Mummy in the world. I wish every little girl could have a Mummy like you.” One of your daughters tells you this whilst half asleep, climbing into your bed seeking solace from nightmares.
Truth? You are a bad wife.
“I rarely look at couples and think perhaps they have something as special as I’ve been blessed with, but I look at you and Tom and I see that bond. He’s as lucky to have you as you are to have him.” These were the observations of a happily married friend who you love dearly.
Truth? You are a bad friend.
“You are the best friend I could ever hope for. I love you”
The words of a beloved friend as she speaks for the first time of her pain.
Truth? You are a bad colleague.
“You were incredibly inspirational in the meeting the other day, and really set the right tone and direction for what we need to do.” The reflections of a dauntingly well-qualified colleague after your first time of meeting.
Before you make an irreversible decision, the truths on which you base it need testing.
You are a scientist and currently you have not gathered enough evidence to make this decision. Step away, live another day and begin to allow those who love and respect you to help you test those truths.
It may take years before you can hear words like those and believe them. Still you don’t believe them — but you have hope. You hope that with hard work, perseverance and by taking things one day at a time, one day you will believe them.
And wouldn’t that be a wonderful life — one worth living?
Walk on… please.
Pooky x
If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.
If you need support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. You can reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.
Dr Pooky Knightsmith is a passionate ambassador for mental health who loves to research, write, speak, teach and share all manner of ideas about mental health and emotional wellbeing. Her enthusiasm is backed up both by a PhD in child and adolescent mental health and her own lived experience of anorexia, self-harm, anxiety and depression. You can follow her work on her website, In Our Hands. Pooky works for the Charlie Waller Memorial Trust, a UK based mental health charity where she is the director of the children and young people’s programme.
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