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What I Want You to Know About My Suicidal Thoughts

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Editor’s note: If you experience suicidal thoughts, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.

I want you to know how hard this is for me.

I want you to know how hard a small conservation is.

I want you to know how hard it is for me to try, so it’s even harder when I mess up.

I want you to know how hard it is to want to be able to be happy, but not even having the strength.

I want you to know how hard it is for me to pull the corners of my mouth into a smile, let alone exert every ounce of energy I may have into one, full-blown hour of class.

I want you to know how hard it is for me to stand at the back of the room, watching everyone ease through being themselves.

I want you to know how hard it is for me to put all my willpower into being extremely healthy every day, all because I feel the need to unhealthily self-medicate with alcohol in the mornings.

I want you to know this is hard for me.

I want you to know without me having to explain it. Because if I were to explain this, I would tell you it’s too hard for me to be here. I would tell you that it’s a daily thing for me to think about not being here anymore. Thinking about suicide is not hard for me. It’s hard to think about what it would do to the people who love me. It’s hard for me to think about my parents.

It’s hard for me to tell this to anyone because I believe they’d only think I wanted attention.

It’s hard because it’s an either/or kind of thing. If I tell someone, I want attention. If I actually do it, I should’ve told someone.

It’s like being hungry, but not being able to eat anything to satisfy the hunger.

Let me make it harder for you.

It’s like letting your children eat because you can’t bear to see them starve, so you starve yourself and you bear the pain.

Not for yourself.

For them.

And it’s hard.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text “HOME” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.

Thinkstock photo via Marjan_Apostolovic

Originally published: September 14, 2017
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