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How I Felt on the Anniversary of My Suicide Attempt

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How are you supposed to feel on the anniversary of the day you tried to kill yourself?

I thought I should be happy, proud, grateful and impressed with myself, but that was not the case at all. I woke up with a deep dark pit in my stomach, and my body ached all over. I thought it was the end once again. I laid in bed and cried, holding my dogs while trying to remind myself how great my life is. I have a loving and supportive boyfriend who helps me more than he should, we have a beautiful fur family who I am proud to call my own, and I finally live in a place where I feel like I belong. My relationships with my father, stepmom and brothers are the best they have ever been. My mother, stepfather and baby brother are my support systems who proved they are there until the end, and I finally found great friends.

So why did I feel this way? The pain rushed over me in a way I cannot explain. I live with this pain every day of my life, so why was it so bad this time? I honestly can’t answer that question, but I can tell you what it felt like.

It felt like the day everything fell apart, yet everything was glued together and I couldn’t control any of my emotions. I had tears welling in my eyes the whole day, I was so terribly terrified. It’s the worst feeling in the world when you know you should be happy and you cannot make yourself happy as hard as you try. I tried to talk about these feelings, but it is hard for someone to understand when they have never felt this way themselves. Everyone did their best to make my day great, though at the end of the night I still cried myself to sleep.

I am doing my best to reflect on the past year and see how much I have grown. I am stronger, more mature and I have found my place in the world even if it does not seem like it every day. I understand now that I have a mental health problem and it is not something to be embarrassed about. I am not the only one in the world who is struggling, and it will always be the hardest conversations to have with a person. I have said this before, I cannot make the promise to never try this again in my life, but I know now when things get bad, I have a safe place to go and I can get through anything life throws at me if I just ask for help.

Thank you to everyone who has taken this emotional rollercoaster ride with me, and a huge thank you to everyone who has jumped on the ride along the way. I wouldn’t be where I am today without any of you, and for that I am grateful.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.

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Thinkstock photo via AnkDesign.

Originally published: August 2, 2017
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