If Suicide Feels Like Your Only Option, Read This
There are times in the depths of mental illness when things are so dark and dank, you can’t even recall the memory of light. There are times when you’re too tired of screaming into your pillow, or of crying in the shower, or of trying to be a functioning human being around other people. There are times — deplorable, hopeless times — when breathing seems to take more energy than you can spare.
And when you experience these times, the darkness feels indefinite. It doesn’t just feel like you’ve always been this way, it feels like you’ll always be this way. Mental illness is insidious like that. It may even convince you that suicide is a relief. I’m not going to say that in those moments it isn’t, because I know you just want the pain to stop.
I’m not going to tell you it gets better, because in those times, “better” feels unattainable. I can tell you you’re not alone in that shared darkness. I can tell you I’ve not only been there but moved in and built a home. When you’ve been feeling so much for so long, when you’re worn out beyond capacity, when your mind only sees one way out, you are not alone.
That darkness sucks. There’s no two ways about it. You can’t “willpower” yourself out of it. Happy thoughts are akin to putting a Band-Aid on a geyser. If you are or have ever been in this kind of pain, I’m so, so sorry. Just as I know the darkness can feel impenetrable, I know sometimes there’s no harder choice than choosing to live, and that makes you a fucking warrior.
If suicide feels like the only option, let me point out some facts.
Fact 1: You are a human being, and that makes you freaking spectacular. You are a human being, and that makes you worthy. You are a human being, and by default you are deserving of love and a life outside of this hell.
Fact 2: You’re reading this right now, which means there’s at least one person (me!) who loves you and is rooting for you. I know you’re bone tired, wearing a weariness somewhere beyond exhaustion, and I’m so freaking proud of you. You’ve made it this far, and I’m in your corner. Because if you are reading this, I care. I care deeply, you spectacular human being.
Fact 3: Being in this dark place and having the thoughts or urges to end everything doesn’t make you weak. It makes you one of the strongest people because every day you conquer those thoughts, you win. Look at how many wins you have so far, and give yourself some credit for your incredible strength. If you’re here, fighting in any capacity, then I know you have the strength (even if you don’t think so) to keep winning.
So when you feel alone, or when suicide feels like the only option, keep fighting. When the darkness crowds out the last wisps of light, keep fighting. Keep fighting and fighting again. You haven’t lost.
Getty Images photo via Alexandra Romanova