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This Photo Was Taken After My First Suicide Attempt. This Photo Represents a Survivor.

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This picture represents a survivor, a fighter, a warrior. This picture is me 11 years ago. The day after I tried to kill myself. This is my hospital intake shot.

Suicide is represented in such a horrible way. People say we’re selfish, that we’re doing it to hurt other people. Some people say we’re taking the easy way out. I’m here to tell you how it actually is.

First of all, we aren’t being selfish. In that moment, we honestly think we’re doing the world a favor — we think no one cares about us or that the world would be a better place without us, that people would be better off without us. Now, that’s not a selfish thought, is it? Didn’t think so.

We’re also not taking the easy way out. Living with depression or being suicidal is horrific. The pain is extraordinary. It is unrelenting, and it never leaves you alone. It is the stabbing in your heart. The fog in your head. The inability to get out of bed in the morning, in the afternoon. Having no energy to shower or make yourself look presentable. Keeping your distance from people, as much as possible. Nothing matters anymore. You don’t matter.

When you start to think about suicide it can be scary. Those first thoughts, they’re so new. But they stay, they don’t go anywhere and they get worse. More intense. You don’t know what to do with these thoughts. Until one day. One day you decide to act upon them. You just can’t take it anymore. Everything, all of it. You’re in so much pain and have been for so long. Sometimes something might trigger it, sometimes not. For me there was no trigger, I had just been thinking about it for so long that one day I decided I had to do it.

Luckily I didn’t complete my attempt at suicide. I still have frequent suicidal thoughts but no plans to act upon them. I have a strong support team and that support team is the difference between my life and death.

If you know someone who may be suicidal please, show them you care, and offer them help. It could make all the difference. But then, it’s also not always easy to see. We can become very good at hiding it. You just never know what people are going through. No one knew what I was going through until I ended up in the hospital after a suicide attempt. I was the master of disguise.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. You can reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741

Originally published: August 10, 2016
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