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When I Found One of the Last Things My Partner Who Died by Suicide Had Written

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It has been a while since I have written about suicide.

That does not mean I have forgotten about Steve and “moved on” with my life. Steve took his own life in 2015, but the pain of his loss is still so fresh and deep. It is not unusual for me to still have meltdowns when I talk about him.

As it is with most suicide loss survivors, we are left with so many unanswered questions after the demise of our loved one. I had always wondered why Steve had not written me a letter before he took his own life. He was a great communicator, such a prolific writer and a kind, sensitive man. How could he possibly not write some parting words to me?

Some of Steve’s writings have recently come to light that I suspect he had penned just before he died. Through his words, I could sense his confusion over why he felt the way he did. I could feel his despair over what he was about to do. His words re-enforced the love he had for family and friends that tried to help him. In this letter, Steve also tried to re-assure his loved ones that he knew we all tried our best to help him.

Just before his final words to me, there was a sentence that truly broke my heart all over again. Steve wrote: “I always knew what I needed, just could not do it.”

I am sharing this very personal information as I hope it can help other suicide loss survivors looking for answers. Reading this letter has not given me closure but it does re-enforce to me how much Steve was struggling and how helpless he felt. I don’t think it will ever be possible for me to have closure and I must continue to “move through” life without my soul mate.

“You want a storybook kind of closure with someone when they die, but I think that kind of thing is impossible.” — Jesse Andrews

Originally published: January 5, 2021
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