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Reflections Two Years After My Suicide Attempt

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The past few weeks have been spent in reflection amidst the busyness of life and work. The days leading up to that two year anniversary were the hardest. Someone likened it to an alcoholic leading up to the days of their next sobriety chip. Except there are no chips for people who attempted suicide. There’s only the memories.

I don’t think there will ever be a time when the memories of those two nights won’t shake me to the core. There are still parts I have no memories of.

How I got into the ambulance.

How I got into the hospital room.

What was said to me when the crisis counselor talked at me.

But then there are the moments I do remember.

Being pulled off the ledge.

Someone yelling.

The lights.

The dizzy feeling of the stretcher being moved.

The paramedic shouting that something was going wrong.

And blackness.

It’s the blackness that scares me the most. I remember it still today. For months after, shutting my eyes met me with that horrible darkness and it would make my heart pound out of my chest. Fears and worries evolve, just like anything else. I think what scares me the most about that blackness is the realization I was way too close to losing everything in that moment. I lost control of everything and almost lost the one thing I value the most today — life.

I was met with a choice that day. I could loose hope or I could fight my way out, kicking and screaming. I chose the latter. Believe me when I say it wasn’t easy. It took everything I had within me, and then some. I couldn’t have done it without my family. I wouldn’t have made it if they didn’t express their unconditional love. I will be forever thankful for all they have done.

Through all the memories, the good and the bad, I have learned so much. I can truly look back at those times and find it in myself to be thankful for all that I went through. Had I not went through everything I did, I wouldn’t have my site Defying Shadows. I wouldn’t have the opportunity to help others who are going through similar things. I wouldn’t have the diagnosis, help and support I needed to live my life to the fullest.

So here’s to another great year. I cannot wait to see what this year has in store.

Image via Thinkstock.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. You can reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.

Originally published: September 8, 2016
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