Let me start out by saying, I, in no way, condone taking your life. You are unique. You are valuable. You are precious. You are worthy. You deserve to live. You are loved. You are wanted. Even if it doesn’t feel like it, I promise, you are all those things and more.
What happens when you want nothing more than to die? Maybe the pain is just too much for you. Maybe you are just exhausted and too tired to fight anymore. Maybe you just want to feel something, anything, other than the numbness that is suffocating your entire being.
Whatever the reason, it sucks. There’s no sugarcoating it. That feeling? The one where death seems like the best, or only, option? That is a horrible, hollow, awful experience I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
I’ve been there. I know that feeling well. I would lie in my bed and stare at the walls around me, thinking of everything and nothing all at once, consumed by the seemingly never-ending desire to just die, to escape the pain. My doctor was so worried she told me if I weren’t a legal adult, then she’d call my parents and have them admit me somewhere. She then urged me to go to the hospital if I couldn’t control the urge to kill myself.
It’s terrifying to feel that out of control of your own body. My emotions and my mind were fighting. I just wanted to want to live. I wanted the desire to live and to enjoy life, but I didn’t have it.
The problem with being suicidal, in my experience, is telling someone you’re suicidal seems like a no-win situation. First, there’s the fear that if you tell someone, then he/she will assume you’re “crazy.” That person may or may not tell somebody or try to get you sent somewhere (with good intentions, most likely, but that doesn’t feel any better in the moment).
On the other hand, there’s the fear that if you tell somebody, he/she won’t care. That person will just nod and go along with his/her day like you don’t even matter, or worse, tell you to suck it up and be happy, as if it was that easy.
So after analyzing these potential outcomes, you decide not to tell anybody. At first it’s OK, but then the desire to die just builds until you feel like you’ll explode. So you either attempt suicide or tell somebody how you feel. Their shocked and stunned expressions amaze you because you feel so completely broken and empty on the inside. Yet, they just see the smile and the sarcastic humor you project to the world.
Despite these fears, it’s always worth telling someone.
It is so hard to see that you matter to other people when you are hurting so deeply. I understand that more than I care to admit. But the truth is, you do matter. Hurting yourself or killing yourself may bring you the illusion of peace, but at what cost? You have no idea what is in store for your life. Things could change tomorrow, in a week or a year. Yet, if you end things now, then you’ll never get the chance to know.
Everybody is connected. Everyone’s story is a little bit different, and everyone has a unique way that they perceive the world around them. Tell your story. Don’t end it. You never know whose life you could change.
The problem with living is that it hurts like hell sometimes, but people have been doing it for years. There is good out there. Find the good. It seems impossible at times. Other times, it doesn’t seem worth it. I promise you those good moments and the happiness are worth it because you are worth it.
The problem with suicide is it makes your feelings and emotions feel like logic. You are able to trick yourself into believing the lies telling you that you aren’t good enough, strong enough, loved enough and worth enough. The problem with suicide is it takes away the opportunity to show the world your story and your unique perspective. Only you see things exactly as you see them. Nobody else can do that for you. You matter. You belong. You’re worth it.
I hope you feel as loved and as precious and as unique as you are. You matter. No matter what it feels like.
If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.
If you need support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. You can reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.
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I’m just a girl who loves all sorts of fiction, is heavily dependent on cheesy bread and is trying to find her way in this insane world.
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