Do I or don't I? #CPTSD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #SexualTrauma #adolescent sexual molestation trauma #toomanytraumastolisthere
I've started therapy with a great trauma based and informed individual. Hoping to gain a life worth living. Right now, I don't feel like I'm going to do this too much longer. Literally, my children are the ONLY THING keeping me here. So, if I'm going to be here then I have to heal the phenomenal amount of trauma I have and still do endure. So my question is this.. I am 44yrs old. I was molested by my grandfather for 6ish years when I was around 6 or 7. I never told anyone in my family till I was 20 (when I remembered)... I was dismissed by my stepmother... I then told my uncle in 2015 who then told my aunt that verified he tried to do it to her when she was younger and that's why she married at 18 and moved to Kansas. Noone ever took any of this into account for my many life discretions and have deserted me and judged me. Now that I'm in therapy and see how all this guilt, shame, and mistrust have shaped my life and self conception, I'm not okay with it. I'm sad af... Hurt.. and I had a realization that my grandmother had to have known this was happening.. which is salt on the wound. Because she is exactly the person I was trying to protect by not saying anything when I was little I loved her so much for being the only one that did see me.. still judging and critical.. but she saw me. My dilemma is this. My grandmother and grandfather are very old and now are in another state. My grandfather has Alzheimer's and is diminishing. I feel like I need validation.. I need to say something to them before they die.. should I? And what should I say? And if not, why? I feel like it's the biggest step to help me heal. Thank you for the feedback and please don't judge or come from a place of ignorance if you're going to answer.