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Mother’s last wishes (warning can be triggering)

So my mom passed last week. The week before she passed we were at the Drs office as they delivered the news that my mom had a few weeks left to live. My mom brought up my oldest brother and said I know that my brother didn’t rape you.
This was not a time or place I wanted to talk about it.

My mother and I never fully talked about what occurred with my brother when I was younger. My brother on more than one occasion was inappropriate with me as a child. I talked to him for most of my adulthood. A few years back I had flashbacks of the situations. Which I can see clearly as if they were yesterday. I decided it was too difficult for me to continue to act like nothing happened.

My mother basically wanted me to forgive my brother. Without knowing fully what the situations were. So my Mother on her deathbed wanted me to forgive and makeup with my brother.

I feel guilty as my mother has passed and I know that this would have made her so happy. Idk what to do. If I do it for my mom as it was her dying wish. Or stand strong and continue to feel guilty even thou I did nothing wrong.
#Mothers #BereavedMothersDay #mother #ChildAbuse #RapeSurvivors #adolescent sexual molestation trauma #Survivor of rape and or molestation

12 reactions 5 comments

Do I or don't I? #CPTSD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #SexualTrauma #adolescent sexual molestation trauma #toomanytraumastolisthere

I've started therapy with a great trauma based and informed individual. Hoping to gain a life worth living. Right now, I don't feel like I'm going to do this too much longer. Literally, my children are the ONLY THING keeping me here. So, if I'm going to be here then I have to heal the phenomenal amount of trauma I have and still do endure. So my question is this.. I am 44yrs old. I was molested by my grandfather for 6ish years when I was around 6 or 7. I never told anyone in my family till I was 20 (when I remembered)... I was dismissed by my stepmother... I then told my uncle in 2015 who then told my aunt that verified he tried to do it to her when she was younger and that's why she married at 18 and moved to Kansas. Noone ever took any of this into account for my many life discretions and have deserted me and judged me. Now that I'm in therapy and see how all this guilt, shame, and mistrust have shaped my life and self conception, I'm not okay with it. I'm sad af... Hurt.. and I had a realization that my grandmother had to have known this was happening.. which is salt on the wound. Because she is exactly the person I was trying to protect by not saying anything when I was little I loved her so much for being the only one that did see me.. still judging and critical.. but she saw me. My dilemma is this. My grandmother and grandfather are very old and now are in another state. My grandfather has Alzheimer's and is diminishing. I feel like I need validation.. I need to say something to them before they die.. should I? And what should I say? And if not, why? I feel like it's the biggest step to help me heal. Thank you for the feedback and please don't judge or come from a place of ignorance if you're going to answer.



Virginity #SexualTrauma #adolescent sexual molestation trauma #Depression

Today was a tough one. I felt like I was finally starting to come out of a depressive episode but after today it feels more like I was caught in a wave, just came up for air, and now I’m being pulled back under.

I’ve decided not to see my family for Christmas as it would involve having to see my abuser for the first time in almost a year and have been thinking of how to break the news to my parents who don’t know about my trauma. I’m lucky enough that I was able to work through this in therapy and come up with a plan I’m happy with but then something else came up as we were discussing this.

When deciding if I would tell both my parents or just my mom I thought I only wanted to share with my mom because of the awkwardness of the subject surrounding sex and trauma. I brought up a story of when I used to be really close with my mom and came home after having sex for the first time with my boyfriend all excited and telling her about it and just having that girl talk and how special that was. Suddenly, a thought popped into my head that this experience was not in fact when I lost my virginity (and in hindsight wasn’t even good because of so many external factors) but rather my abuser took that experience from me.

I completely understand that virginity is something that society has made up and that it shouldn’t really be that big of a deal but for some reason this has completely shaken me. Realizing there’s now another thing that’s been taken away from me that I can never get back or repair because of the abuse knocked me back down and it felt like the wind got knocked out of me while simultaneously feeling regret and despair and anxiety and a general lack of control.

So now I’m back in the dark place, feeling like I’m drowning and my head is a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions.


The Hardest Part of Sexual Abuse

I was sexually abused by my ex-boyfriend for almost 2 years way back in 2017 to 2019. I was 16 to 17 back then, he was an adult. I didn't realize I was sexually abused and just thought I was being "too innocent" because first and foremost, he was my boyfriend, afterall. So, why would I not give my consent to someone whom I trust and whom I should have a sexual relationship with?

Whenever I made him stop, he would just go on. After every session, I would breakdown in front of him and beg him to not do it again, hoping he would change, but sometimes, he would just mock me and laugh at me. Until one time, I just felt numb while he was doing lascivious acts. I subconsciously abandoned my emotions, as if it was my defense-mechanism to cope and accept the things he had done. It felt like I was trapped in a cycle and couldn't do anything because I was attached to him. Nevertheless, I just thought there was something wrong with me and not with him.

Since then, my behavior and mental illnesses got worse. I was oftenly too aggressive without any reason, too irritable, drowned myself into alcohol abuse, blamed myself for everything, had severe anxiety attacks, and more. Everyone thought I was the "bad guy" and did too thought of myself that way.

It took me several times before I could officially break up with him because whenever I would break up with him, he would just yell at me and tell me that I have no valid reason to break up with him. Thankfully, I did finally cut off our ties last September 2019. However, I still suffer from the trauma that he had brought to me. I got nightmares , anxiety attacks, and had breakdowns after breakdowns after breakdowns and so on...until there was no tear left to cry.

You never realize that you are trapped in an abusive relationship because you unconditionally love that person even if it means sacrificing your own self, until one day, you just wake up from reality and have enough of it. It took me one advice from my friend to make me realize that I was in an abusive relationship.

Whoever is suffering from sexual abuse, I hope you'll soon outlive and I know you will.

#SexualAbuse #adolescent sexual molestation trauma #Trauma #SexualTrauma #Survivor of rape and or molestation #SexualAbuseSurvivors #SexualAssault #SexualViolence #SexualHarassment #Abuse #AbuseSurvivors #ChildAbuse #childabusesurvivors

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This is an important lesson for all women (and people) of all ages:

If someone makes you feel uncomfortable or pressured into doing something for *their* comfort and happiness... Get away from them as fast as you can.

I learned this lesson the hard way - I was groomed and molested throughout my childhood for well over a decade by a close family member - I learned how abusers (and their enablers) use our emotions and empathy against us to get their way. So if my nightmare experience throughout childhood can help save at least one person from being abused by a so called family member or friend... Good.

Also, never be afraid to speak out and tell the truth, especially when they try to silence you. The shame doesn't belong to you, the shame belongs to the abuser, and to those complicit enablers who help protect the abuser by keeping you quiet.

Those people I should've felt safe with guilt tripped and manipulated me with religious "forgive and forget" tactics. They used my faith and loyalty against me to insure my abusers future. Now, I know better than to have trusted them, because there is no way I would do that to a victim of abuse. Especially if they were my child. Why should I be considerate and keep their flimsy reputations intact when my abuser didn't exactly have any consideration enough to stop traumatizing me all of those years ago when I said, "No!" Only the abuser and their enablers benefit from your silence - so be loud.

Trauma should never be ignored, it has to be addressed and worked through or the scars will never heal. I still have PTSD from my traumatic childhood experiences, and because I didn't have the support of family that I should've had then, it's been a difficult journey towards healing. But I am no longer afraid to speak out. I didn't ask to be abused, but I did ask for help from my family... They chose to protect the abuser. And so, after years of feeling numb, worthless and broken, I eventually chose to protect myself by setting boundaries and cutting ties with those who were complicit. That was my choice, and I don't have any regrets.

If you've been abused and assaulted, you have every right to hold the perpetrators accountable for their transgressions against you - or not. Abusers choose to be abusive, so never question bringing their shame to light. And don't ever feel obligated to stay in touch with an abuser, or their complicit enablers simply because they are family members, or so called friends. Your health, happiness and safety is more important than being nice to them. And you are worth protecting with personal boundaries. Prioritize your safety over being 'nice'. Always.

#metoo #abusesurvivor #gaslight #manipulation #EmotionalAbuse #post Childhood Abuse #PTSD #CPTSD #adolescent sexual molestation trauma #religious Trauma #childhoodtraumasurvivor


Suicide and lost dreams #Suicide #traumatic grief #Grief

Korbyn 2021
I miss you my son
Broken bones and broken dreams a mind lost in a fog
A desperate yearning for truth
I miss you my love
Questions of what could have been
Fractured dreams
Burnt hope
I miss you my light
Necrotic heart
Neuropathy to my soul
I miss you my child
My first born
My pride
My bright star
Darkness in your eyes
Dimness in my future
I miss you my sweet boy
Skinned knees and festering thorns
Family trees splintered and root rot
I miss you my son
Vacant plates at the dinner table
One seat belt unused in the car
Dusty trails
Windy nights
The smell of Spring
Winter burning my cheeks
I miss you my son
My reason for living
My passion for life
The fire that lit the way
I see your you in the night sky and the morning sunrise
I see you in the Sunset and the ocean’s rage
I see you in your nephew’s eyes
I feel you in the warmth of a camp fire
I hear you in my dreams
And I wait patiently to hold you again

#adolescent suicide #Depression


How should I feel about what happened? #Relationships #PTSD #adolescent sexual molestation trauma

The person who touched me was someone who was very imprinted in my heart. Even though I only knew him for 3 years, he was the closests relationship I had to a dad (and functioning family). I had so many great memories with him, we went on what felt like adventures and basically shared our homes. The complete love and trust I let pour into that friendship is what makes it so hard to hate him after what happened. It's so hard I still struggle with understanding who's at fault. Logically I'd say it's his but I can't get myself to believe that. It's been 4 years since then, how should I feel?


Date line?????? #Abuse

Hi I have answered 2 people on https://direct.there seem to be men!!!! Wanting to fix us ...WHAT? The direct isn't date site right? That's all I dont! Need. #adolescent sexual molestation trauma #trustissues .
I'm delete them and I heard something about Michael https://Myers.what the heck do people think?I'm sticking w the women I've posted with ONLY

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#Low self esteem meets #Hypersexuality meets #SocialAnxiety meets #Loneliness meets #Depression

I’m a man in my early 50’s with a world of struggles. I live in search for love, mainly because I have never been shown love, my biological family was always bickering, my mother neglected me and always had to deal with beatings or fist fights, and sexual abuse by my half brother. So I sought it in women, however I have social anxiety mostly with women and low self esteem, no money no hunny and not good enough for her to want me. Then there’s hypersexuality for both the physical and sexual abuse. How is a man, who has tried and failed so many times can truly be happy? My ex and I’s relationship of 17 years together was because she got pregnant ( we met online, I was her summer play toy and I am horny all the time) so it was a relationship that was good but was not ever true love more like friends with benefits and parenting our son too. I sometimes make mistakes when approaching women that may turn them off or not realizing the signs they are interested until it’s to late. I’m depressed, lonely, And have given up on looking for her, I am disabled and living in my car, with no income ( “oh, he is such a catch, I want to live at rock bottom with him”) that’s what I hear in my head every time I see an attractive woman I would like to meet and they ignore me like I am going to give them covid or the poverty virus. I’m sure that nobody else can understand the struggles I’m going through. Thanks for reading, hope it didn’t bore you too much. #Loveless #alone #crazyornot #Disability #CheckInWithMe #SuicidalThoughts #MentalHealth #emotional mental abuse #adolescent sexual molestation trauma

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