trafficking

While I was being trafficked, I learned how to make a bed properly. It was different than we did in my house growing up. We NEVER used top sheets. And it didn’t matter if there were wrinkles or creases. I learned how to make it very clean and tidy.

I’m not as strict with those things in my life currently, but I like that I learned how to make a bed with a top sheet and have it tucked in tight. I hate that I learned it from my trafficker.

I got new sheets and a new bed set for our guest bedroom. I LOVE the design of the comforter. Very pretty. I live in a house full of boys so I don’t get anything girly really except for my own personal things. My oldest son said I “do too much” when I showed him that my new gel nail polish changed colors. Pink-warm/purple-cold. He likes to joke. I know he didn’t say it mean spirited. I just like girly things. - I absolutely hated all things pink until after I moved out of my moms house. I think it had to do with her forcing me to wear this baby pink dress with like this lace layer over a sheer layer. I didn’t want to. I hated it and I was angry at her for making me wear it. I don’t remember why it was such a big deal to me, but it was.

Anywho, so I was in the middle of making the bed and I began to experience a flashback. Feeling the sensations of how uncomfortable, tense and on edge I was all the time while I was trafficked. Trying to make sure I did everything just how I was supposed to. He terrified me. And the memories just flooding back. It can be pretty overwhelming. Grounding techniques really are so helpful, because the memories can feel so real.

I really have come a long way. I’ve learned and am still learning how to recognize them and manage them. It is really hard stuff, but I’m ACTUALLY DOING IT!🤯 It’s scary to admit that, and say it because it makes it real. And if it’s real it’s another opportunity to fail and let other people down. If I don’t admit it out loud then I only let myself down. And during my healing journey.. it’s really rocky and bumpy. I can be doing really well and then have some really hard days. Now most of it before was hugely influence by the events happening in my life. My everyday life right now is the calmest most stable it’s every been. 🥺💖 Today I believe a lot of what’s making it difficult for me to remain more regulated is my weaning off Lexapro. It’s been a long process and I’m almost done. (Yes it’s with DR approval and supervision along with my regular weekly therapy sessions)

Triggers. Trauma. Recovery. Warriors.

#CPTSD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #trafficking #HumanTrafficking #Survivor #traffickingSurvivor