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I’m Still Here

Lately I’ve been sluggish, and it’s more than just recovering from Covid. May is a heavy month, full of painful anniversaries. It’s also a month of release, when my workload decreases and I can relax somewhat. It’s the start of a time for reflection, re-evaluation, reenenergizing, and renewal of hope. Sometimes I wake up and the fact that I’m still here is overwhelming. It’s my duty to myself and everyone around me to turn that around. I’m still here, and the question I need to ask myself every morning is, “What good will I do with this day?”

#HumanTrafficking #Torture #Abuse #FearOfAbandonment #Shame #PTSD #CPTSD #Anxiety #Depression #Survivor #Fibromyalgia #HypothyroidismUnderactiveThyroidDisease


Questions Answered The Hard Way

Yesterday I left a message for my doctor to update her on my Covid symptoms, which are greatly improved, and to make her aware that I had growing suspicion my body pain is directly related to my childhood traumas. I’m the kind of person who likes to be accurate though, obsessively. So as a means of ruling out other potential causes, I asked if a Lyme test might be a good idea. I was told she’s out this week, but another professional ordered a Lyme test for me.

I no longer believe it’s necessary.

A few hours ago I woke up screaming, and cried myself back to sleep. I’m awake now feeling stable and remembering that it happened, but unaware of what it was specifically that made me scream and wake up. I don’t really need to know, and I’m not going to wreck myself digging for it. If I’m meant to know it and process it, then it will surface on its own.

My priority in this circumstance is realizing my body pain is in fact stemming from my traumas. I haven’t screamed in my sleep since I was a child, and this is happening now for a reason. I have my data, gathered firsthand. And it is accurate. #CPTSD #PTSD #SexualTrauma #HumanTrafficking #SexTrafficking #Survivor

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Triggers and flashbacks #traffickingSurvivor

While I was being trafficked, I learned how to make a bed properly. It was different than we did in my house growing up. We NEVER used top sheets. And it didn’t matter if there were wrinkles or creases. I learned how to make it very clean and tidy.

I’m not as strict with those things in my life currently, but I like that I learned how to make a bed with a top sheet and have it tucked in tight. I hate that I learned it from my trafficker.

I got new sheets and a new bed set for our guest bedroom. I LOVE the design of the comforter. Very pretty. I live in a house full of boys so I don’t get anything girly really except for my own personal things. My oldest son said I “do too much” when I showed him that my new gel nail polish changed colors. Pink-warm/purple-cold. He likes to joke. I know he didn’t say it mean spirited. I just like girly things. - I absolutely hated all things pink until after I moved out of my moms house. I think it had to do with her forcing me to wear this baby pink dress with like this lace layer over a sheer layer. I didn’t want to. I hated it and I was angry at her for making me wear it. I don’t remember why it was such a big deal to me, but it was.

Anywho, so I was in the middle of making the bed and I began to experience a flashback. Feeling the sensations of how uncomfortable, tense and on edge I was all the time while I was trafficked. Trying to make sure I did everything just how I was supposed to. He terrified me. And the memories just flooding back. It can be pretty overwhelming. Grounding techniques really are so helpful, because the memories can feel so real.

I really have come a long way. I’ve learned and am still learning how to recognize them and manage them. It is really hard stuff, but I’m ACTUALLY DOING IT!🤯 It’s scary to admit that, and say it because it makes it real. And if it’s real it’s another opportunity to fail and let other people down. If I don’t admit it out loud then I only let myself down. And during my healing journey.. it’s really rocky and bumpy. I can be doing really well and then have some really hard days. Now most of it before was hugely influence by the events happening in my life. My everyday life right now is the calmest most stable it’s every been. 🥺💖 Today I believe a lot of what’s making it difficult for me to remain more regulated is my weaning off Lexapro. It’s been a long process and I’m almost done. (Yes it’s with DR approval and supervision along with my regular weekly therapy sessions)

Triggers. Trauma. Recovery. Warriors.

#CPTSD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #trafficking #HumanTrafficking #Survivor #traffickingSurvivor


I am a #Survivor of #Child #Abuse and #neglect

I have just been Interviewed for the Ms. Texas Show on YouTube for January which was #HumanTrafficking Awareness Month. Please watch my video and share wherever with whoever you can. THANKS 💜 #freedom from #silence 🦋


I am beyond excited to say that yesterday, I celebrated my eighteenth birthday. I don’t know how I got here... these past eighteen years of my life have been filled with mental illness and abuse, that to some was beyond belief. I’m not sure what’s to come next but fingers crossed healing is the only thing.

#CheerMeOn #SexualAbuse #Anxiety #Schizophrenia #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #PTSD #HumanTrafficking #SexualTrauma #Selfharm #EatingDisorders

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The Last Time I Attempted Suicide #SuicidePrevention #SuicidePreventionDay

In honor of Suicide Prevention Day I'm putting myself out there and sharing something from a dark time in my life when I didn’t think I could handle the pain any longer. This is a letter I wrote on December 10, 2009 at 1:45am just before I attempted to end my own life.

It's been almost 10 years since that night and I'm so thankful God let me survive. I never would have imagined I would be here 10 years later doing all that I am. The very things that made me want to take my life back then are the very things I share with people when I speak and for some it helps them hang on and get the help they need because through sharing my experiences they’re able to see that there is hope. You are worth living for! #Survivor #SurvivorWarrior #CPTSD #HumanTrafficking

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