Complex Post-traumatic Stress Disorder

A year ago, I was set https://up.A year ago I was lied to, munipulated and set up to be phased https://out.I realize now, how blatant, disrespectful and maliciously calculated, a group of people https://were.The group included my own, my mother in law, husband and a few strangers to me, but not to https://them.A handful of people know, knew and will continue this charade for him. I was overly medicated and lost for two https://years.My memories were being erased and they knew I was struggling.He, knew. And now, every day, there is https://nothing.I was given an opportunity I believed, I worked for.to have it orchestrated against you, I will Never understand the level of munipulation these people went through to shove me out of their life. I will not be made a fool of again for them, by them or because of https://them.They have shown me who they are, where their intentions were and where I stood, for All this time.my heart knows the truth and he, knew and was fine, while I struggled and faught for https://nothing.He knew what he was doing out of spite and his intent, was to hurt https://me.They did, unimaginable https://hurt.He was hurt over pride. I was hurt over loosing my family not my https://pride.When you're honest about your faults, shame does not work as a https://tactic.They tried for months and it turned to years. It is called, Malicious Intent. We aren't the same.

A year ago, I was set https://up.A year ago I was lied to, munipulated and set up to be phased https://out.I realize now, how blatant, disrespectful and maliciously calculated, a group of people https://were.The group included my own, my mother in law, husband and a few strangers to me, but not to https://them.A handful of people know, knew and will continue this charade for him. I was overly medicated and lost for two https://years.My memories were being erased and they knew I was struggling.He, knew. And now, every day, there is https://nothing.I was given an opportunity I believed, I worked for.to have it orchestrated against you, I will Never understand the level of munipulation these people went through to shove me out of their life. I will not be made a fool of again for them, by them or because of https://them.They have shown me who they are, where their intentions were and where I stood, for All this time.my heart knows the truth and he, knew and was fine, while I struggled and faught for https://nothing.He knew what he was doing out of spite and his intent, was to hurt https://me.They did, unimaginable https://hurt.He was hurt over pride. I was hurt over loosing my family not my https://pride.When you're honest about your faults, shame does not work as a https://tactic.They tried for months and it turned to years. It is called, Malicious Intent. We aren't the same.

Here we go, an impulsive seemingly random dreaded wave of panic washes over me.

What is it this time? What triggered the sudden rush of adrenaline? I was feeling so good today!?!? No time to process or identify the trigger; I have to prepare for the tsunami I feel building up inside of me.

Great, another "episode" to interrupt my day; both mental paralysis and odd bodily sensations show up pumping massive quantities of adrenaline through every vein in my body sending me into a state of panic and confusion because the world around me hasn’t changed, yet I feel like I’m about to be attacked by what!!? The dining room chair?!??

The unwelcomed duo have now fully arrived and the horror show will begin within seconds silently engulfing all of me with its insidious fangs as the world around me keeps carrying on. I grow quiet and turn inward as my mind is always the first participant to be tortured behind the invisible curtains from the people around me.

It's time. I prepare to fully surrender and get comfortable with the uncomfortable; to “let go” and "float" so I can get through this internal nightmare labeled “Panic Attack” quickly without anyone noticing. The psyche is always the first to be victimized into the trance of corrupted narratives stuck in a persistent loop of false reality. The words on repeat telling me I am going insane and will drop dead from a heart attack, stroke, seizure or brain aneurysm.

How can this just be all in my head!?!! The terrifying catastrophic thoughts triggering such mental anguish and fear!?!? The bizarre unsettling physical symptoms so intense you fight every urge to not run out of the room screaming like a lunatic, or even worse, call 911 because your mind has literally made up its mind that the Grim Reaper is the next guest to show up. Oh, and then there’s the compulsion to whip out your phone frantically researching DR. GOOGLE’s online medical records so you can really convince yourself that the tingling hands and feet is a confirmation that you now have a neurological disorder.

No matter how many hundreds, actually probably closer to thousands, of full blown panic attacks I’ve experienced in the last 20+ years of my life; my brain refuses to believe we’re going to be okay. Every single time the thoughts race around my head like a dog chasing its tail; exerting energy and getting nowhere.

I whisper to myself “Please don’t let me lose my mind or die this time.” At this point, I am just waiting for the day when permanent insanity joins the dynamic duo of mental paralysis and bodily sensations become the three musketeers, the ring leaders of the horror show.

The intensity increases rapidly as it pulls me into a dissociative state of terror like a riptide's tumultuous force dragging you out to the depths of the dark sea.

Great, another “episode”….. My body is extremely tense, my chest is tight, my limbs are wobbly and trembling, my breathing is labored from the rapid inhalation of hyperventilation resembling what feels like drowning in air.

I obsessively start mentally scanning my body frantically checking in on every little sensation of anything that could resemble a heart attack. "This is it. It has to be!" My inner dialogue intensifies growing louder with each overly drawn breathe. #PanicDisorder #Anxiety #PTSD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #PanicAttacks

You are on my mind 💯😃😎🙃😀

And, let me know in comments ⬇️ below if you have watched anything on what I gave all of u pictured here

#MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #MajorDepressiveDisorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #PostTraumaticStressDisorder #PTSD #Trauma #BipolarDisorder #Grief #Selfharm #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #Suicide #MoodDisorders #BipolarDepression #Mindfulness #SocialAnxiety #Selfcare #ChronicIllness #ChronicPain #ChronicFatigue #Loneliness

At 4:20 am this morning, I woke abruptly. The image of someone's boot landing on my stomach and me lying on my side receiving the blow made me start awake. I got out of bed, trembling.
I realized that I was holding my breath and let it go. My body trembled. I inhaled deeply, purposefully. Took notice of the first hint of blue out of my window. One more deep breath; one more slow exhale.
I took the time to feed the coolness beneath my feet. As my shoulders relaxed, my body calmed down. The tremors subsided.
I took several steps forward, "Go ahead. Put on your flip-flops. That's it. Grab your basket full of your bathroom items. Deep breath. Hold it. Exhale slowly."
Now my thoughts were on my dog. "Where is he? Must be sleeping in the other room."
My day was beginning earlier than usual but the tremors stopped.

At 4:20 am this morning, I woke abruptly. The image of someone's boot landing on my stomach and me lying on my side receiving the blow made me start awake. I got out of bed, trembling.
I realized that I was holding my breath and let it go. My body trembled. I inhaled deeply, purposefully. Took notice of the first hint of blue out of my window. One more deep breath; one more slow exhale.
I took the time to feed the coolness beneath my feet. As my shoulders relaxed, my body calmed down. The tremors subsided.
I took several steps forward, "Go ahead. Put on your flip-flops. That's it. Grab your basket full of your bathroom items. Deep breath. Hold it. Exhale slowly."
Now my thoughts were on my dog. "Where is he? Must be sleeping in the other room."
My day was beginning earlier than usual but the tremors stopped.