Sometimes going to bed is hard for me especially when I’m feeling really down and anxious. Last night I couldn’t fall asleep until about 4:30 this morning and then I was wide awake at 10 am. My mind was racing. I’ve been having to take Ativan here and there to help me sleep but I’m trying to stop doing that because I don’t want to be dependent on it and sometimes it puts me too far down and makes my depression worse. Usually I can pray while I’m falling asleep and it helps me feel better but even prayer has been hard to do lately because I feel so anxious about everything and guilty at the same time. Since I’ve been really depressed lately, it’s also been hard for me to be around anybody including family. I’ve pretty much kept myself isolated in my comfort zone (which I know doesn’t help anything but it’s hard to face people right now) and today is the 4th of July and we’re having friends and family over. I’m nervous, I don’t want anyone to see me this way and I’m super tired so I know my anxiety and depression is going to be very heightened today. I’m not a faker and usually when something is wrong, my face says it all. I’m just not sure if I can put on a front long enough. Nobody really knows how bad my depression is besides my boyfriend because we live together and he sees my mood swings and my meltdowns. I feel bad that he has to see me this way. Normally I would clean my house and gets things ready for company but instead I’m watching my boyfriend clean.. I just keep thinking “I should be doing this”. But I’m so tired mentally, even simple household tasks have become overbearing for me. I want so badly to be around everyone today but I’m in such a dark place mentally and just starting on meds, I’m afraid I’ll make a fool of myself or that everyone will know something is wrong or I’ll have to fake it for too long and have a massive break down later because I feel guilty for having to pretend like I’m having a good time around friends and family whenever they should bring me happiness but right now nothing seems to bring me happiness or comfort. Depression is so ugly. And anxiety fuels it. It sucks. But the verse I posted is one that I firmly believe in, there may be pain in night but joy comes in the morning. I know this is only a season, a really hard, tough, soul draining season, but it’s only a season and I know God in combination with meds and baby steps in my recovery process will get me there. Happy 4th everyone, I hope you guys have a great day. ❤️🇺🇸💙 #Depression #Insomnia #Anxiety #UnquietMind #FourthOfJuly