Before I got sick I was extremely active in my community. I taught classes, hosted parties, and attended and hosted monthly munches (group get together at a restaurant for food and conversation) I had a lot of friends who I considered to be family.
Then my health tanked hard.
One of my supposed friends called me a hypochondriac. Said I was doing it for attention.
Shortly after, I realized I'm not submissive or Dom. I'm an emotional support puppy. I'm also a sadomasochist. Then someone who I thought was a friend told me I don't belong in the community if I don't engage in power play. I got angry and I deleted my account. I focused on my mental health. I finally am symptom free and happy. Well... Maybe just relieved.
But my physical health... My body is breaking down. My hips and back are really fucked. I had surgery 3 years ago on my lumbar spine but now I've got more stenosis and the fatty growth strangling my sciatic nerve grew back (I was diagnosed with spinal epidural lipomatosis).
My eyes developed bilateral intermittent exotropia. Or rather I had it my whole life but only now found out. And now we know what is causing my migraines. It requires eye surgery but my surgeon said I'm not a candidate. So basically I was told to get used to the pain.
I've got a really awesome pain specialist. On Friday she did nerve block on my lumbar. I think it was 6 injections. It hurt like hell. But right now I feel fine. This is only temporary cuz she needed to know if the pain would respond. I've got follow up in a few days. If everything is good, I'll get the permanent set of injections.
So basically I have been a pin cushion for 6 months. But what kept me positive was my passion for being active in my community. I had plans. I want to start up a poetry exchange munch at coffee shops. I got genuinely excited. I haven't felt this excited in years. This was super important to me.
And then I posted about it.
I didn't realize I did anything wrong. It was a nice post asking if anyone wants to join me for a poetry munch.
Then the group mod messaged me saying I did something wrong. She suggested I just create an event page. Except how do you get people interested if I don't post about it? So I deleted the post and left the group. I'm not sure how to do this now. It's a tangible part of my being. And I feel like I'm being yelled at for trying to start something new.
Well. I can either try elsewhere or I can give up.
#Friendship #writtenword #SpokenWord #Poetry