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    Self Imposed Prison - Trapped in my own mind

    When my world came crashing down, I was forced to find my way in the world. Every bad decision I made altered the course of my life. I was stuck in a rut as my father described it. Unfortunately for me; it was much worse than that.

    The rut was one thing and the need to pull myself out of it was ever present. Sadly the rut was only the beginning of a life-time of negative emotions and regret. I wish I could have experienced the trauma and continued with a positive attitude and I did attempt to forget about the people who hurt me. No matter how hard I tried to forget and move on I was stuck reliving the trauma over and over again.

    Angry, sadness and revenge continuously played on my mind. As time has passed I just wanted some closure from the incident as it is forever haunting me. Even an apology would make me feel a little better instead I am stuck in self-loathing and misery while the people who hurt me continue on as though nothing happened.

    While everyone my age was having a good time and enjoying their youth, I would spend each weekend isolating in my room. Weekends trying to forget what happened to me with the help of marijuana. I was my own worst enemy, imprisoned and desperate for a solution. Just like everything else in my life - I was looking for an easy fix. An easy fix which I am still looking for to this day

    I have come to realise that trauma will be ever present in my life. It has become a part of me whether I like it or not. The victim mindset has plagued me for years and I need to make a change. I need to let go of the negativity and anger once and for all.

    #Recovery #PTSD #Depression #selfmedicate #Sadness #Pain #hurt #suffering #Addiction #Hatred #Jealousy #anger #despair #gloom #Doom #Love #Support #TheMighty #MightyTogether #Friendship #Family #people #places #things #control #Emotion #sad #feelingbetter #Slowly #Survivor #illness #struggle #adversity #Sabotage #selfawareness #Reflection

    8 reactions 3 comments

    Intrusive thoughts which infect the mind

    I have a intrusive thoughts which infect my mind and make it difficult to concentrate. They start the minute I wake up and do not cease until I go back to sleep. I have many hobbies and try to keep my mind occupied but the evil thoughts replay over and over.

    When I was physically assaulted over ten years ago I never thought that I would continue to experience flashbacks and trauma from the incident. I have been in fights before and thought it would become another distant memory of something unfortunate. My experience has been completely different and I am stuck in a never ending loop of sorrow and pity.

    The attack causes me major mental health issues that I can't move on from. I am stuck in a negative cycle of pain and suffering. The image of the attack repeats in my mind. I see the faceless images of multiple attackers and the fear of reliving the incident is ever present. I am afraid of what's in store for me as I battle to focus on what's important.

    It is difficult to describe the incident as it involves anger, betrayal and resentment. The only thing I know for sure is that it leaves me empty and insecure. These people purposefully sought to hurt me and they were successful.

    I hate to say it but my mental health has deteriorated to the point where I am miserable. I hate my life and I am aware of the holes I keep digging are damaging me further. I blame my mother and father for a lot of my problems whether it is their fault or not. They did their best but had unrealistic expectations and when I was unable to achieve the impossible goals they had set for me I spiralled in to a deep depression.

    This depression has followed me for years and the more I let it control my life - the more pain it causes me. I have never dealt with any of the negative emotions that fill my mind. I bottled everything up and pretended I was fine. I am at the point where I don't see anything improving and I want to hurt the few people I have left.

    I really wish I could end on something positive but my life has become a merry go round of pain, sorrow and regret. I hate myself in more ways than one and I need help but the road to recovery is fraught with feelings of guilt and resentment.

    EDIT: I am fully aware that my posts are very much a pity party. I am hurting inside and just desperately want to feel better.

    #Depression #Misery #Sadness #hurt #Pain #TheMighty #MightyTogether #MentalHealth #feelings #unhappy #Relationships #Friendship #Love #Trauma #PTSD #challenges #Life #Death #advertisy #friend #peace #Emotion #flasback #Lettinggo #scar #regret #compassion #Thoughts #Mindfulness #Anxiety #reserved #Respect #peace

    10 reactions 6 comments


    I'm new here herd about this app and group hoping to make friends with I really struggle with and through friendship gain support #BulletJournals #Anxiety #Friendship

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    TRUE or FALSE: It’s easy for me to form connections with others.

    Welcome to another week at 52 Small Things, Mighties! This week we’re focusing on making connections, whether that’s with others or ourselves.

    Today we want to know whether it’s easy for you to form connections with other people. Does bonding come naturally to you? Or does it take a bit of effort for you to get to know others and let them get to know you?

    #52SmallThings #Selfcare #CheckInWithMe #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Friendship #Relationships

    2 reactions 37 comments

    #Friendship #Love

    Hey everyone I’m Murphy single father of 2 cute kid’s.. just wanna know more about this app and make friends that’s all 🙏🏻🙏🏻


    Cyclical, Cynical, Pain

    I raged tonight.
    I cried.
    I hurt.
    I vented so much.
    I still cannot fall asleep.
    I still think of everything I have left inside.
    I am still hurting.
    I am still feeling
    I am still reeling
    I speak my truth, repeat the same story.
    I am honest, know and own my mistakes
    I am still not okay with this
    And I am infuriated
    I hate that I meant nothing in the end.
    I hate that I gave space but none was given to me.
    I hate that I loved with everything and was thrown away like trash.
    I hate that I sacrificed, bled, injured, and loathed myself based off of someone else's idea of me.
    I hate that in the end, promises are always broken, and friendship is forever forsaken
    I hate that I still love, and give space, and wish well, and hope
    I hate that I do not hate
    So I rage
    I cry
    I hurt
    I vent
    I scream
    And every night, the hole where my heart was is filled with tears, sadness, anger and loneliness
    #Selfharm #Suicide #Depression #Grief #Friendship #Loss #emotionalpain

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    The choice

    While at a dark point in my visit to the hospital I almost made the choice to hurt myself but I walked into a special person...was it by chance? I do not know till this day. But one thing is for sure, she talked me out of something I would’ve regretted.

    So I channeled that experience into a poem that to this day makes me grateful for her presence.

    To my hero. B a poem inspired by you.

    The choice

    Early one day I went on a trip and on my way I found a paperclip...

    At first it was something innocent, a fidget toy..

    But later on could my life destroy..

    I do not know how to rid myself of this dark beast that clutches my heart..

    Threatening to unearth pain, reminding me of things that tore my life apart..

    I sat there wanting to cry..My mind filled with confusion and I don’t know why...

    Should I choose to live or should I choose to die?

    Because I no longer know how to live...

    How to try..

    Being someone great..

    Someone powerful enough to change the course of fate?

    Then I walked into you and knew...

    That what I was thinking, was not what I should do..

    Thank you for your help, the opportunity to see my worth...

    The chance to have many more days on this wondrous earth..

    By Camron Botha

    #ChronicDepression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #SuicidalIdeation #IntrusiveThoughts #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Choice #Love #Gratitude #help #Friendship #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Hospital #Truth #Selfharm #dont #loveyourself

    1 reaction 6 comments
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    Who in your life do you have great communication with? What relationship needs work?

    We’re taught that communication is the key to maintaining healthy relationships. This is definitely more easily said than done, and it largely depends on the relationship.

    Mighties, is there anyone in your life you feel you have great communication with? What makes your communication so great? On the flip side, do you have a relationship that could use some improved communication? What do you want to see change?

    Today is all about examining how we communicate with others!

    #52SmallThings #CheckInWithMe #MentalHealth #Selfcare #Friendship #Anxiety #Depression