Friendship

It's my first time here and I have literally no one I trust enough to share my thoughts.

I have a friend, she is the one I would consider a good friend since I have major trust issues and just can't let anyone close. She knows about my past with depression, anxiety, and my failed attempt at giving up on life in the past, she is well aware that I have had to go through therapy for a long time, and she knows I can't handle stress well especially during exams, however, for the past years, I have pulled through even if I turn into an emotionless rock that even I don't recognize during those periods. I still go through major bouts of depression and anxiety however the thought of sharing it with anyone scares me even more so keep quiet. SO the point is she knows, at least she should know right? I have told her the biggest fear of my life.

However, this friend of mine, I don't even know if I should call her that anymore... The main thing is we stay in different cities now, so all our interactions are through messages and calls only. She got into a relationship for 2 years, it turned toxic and only when it turned toxic she turned to me for advice, knowing very well that I don't like to think too much about feeling, emotions and love, it stresses me out and I am practically numb to most of those things. Yet she asked me what to do. And I don't blame her for that. Not at all. I know the feeling of wanting someone to understand you and help you. So talked to her extensively, and got her to understand how toxic the boy was. They broke up. From time to time, I checked up on her, and helped her whenever she had a breakdown. Told her to look for a therapist. She got one and started feeling better. Within few months though she got confessed to by multiple people, and she seems to entertain them even after rejecting them, she keeps asking me what to do and I tell her to the best of my abilities, although I feel at this point she seems to be almost boasting about how many people are confessing to her...I don't even recognize her anymore. However, that is not a problem either. The problem is that, despite knowing that I have severe stress issues during exams, she messaged me when she was feeling down about the whole break up thing. I consoled her despite my own anxiety trying to get the best of me, I wouldn't have minded, but she did it multiple times and for problems that she could have handled or discussed after my exams got over and I know I might sound selfish but I feel I can expect that much consideration from someone I considered my best friend. She seems to talk sweetly and wish me luck but at the same time, she knowingly added to my anxiety. I don't know how to feel about that. But even then I was ready to dismiss it all. She is a good friend, right? And it is my job to help a friend no matter what. So I don't mind helping her, no matter how uncomfortable and depressed it makes me feel when I am reminded again and again that all the things she is feeling, love and attraction and affection, I will not be able to feel them ever, that part of me is long dead and I am not jealous, I have accepted that part of me, but she continuously getting me involved in it is making me feel abnormal, because I can't genuinely feel or understand what she is feeling. And she knows that I can't. I have told her explicitly that I am not a person who can feel emotions anymore. yet...yet she doesn't even try to consider me in all of this.

The biggest blow to my idea of her as a best friend is the fact that I asked her about her therapist, who she is, is it possible to contact her, how much does she charge, is she good, will she accept long-distance patients...I asked her all of this, and despite knowing that I had an intense history of depression and self-destructive thoughts, she never once asked me if I was doing okay, if I was asking for the therapist for myself, if I was relapsing into depression again. She didn't bother to ask even once, whether I was in pain. She didn't and that is making me question our friendship. Because I as a friend would ask how is she, even if I get a small hint that she might be even tired. How come she didn't feel any concern at all despite knowing my past, how come she didn't feel to inquire about my heart and mind when she expected me to do that for her for the past months? I am not counting favors, but does she truly not care about me at all? Does she have no consideration for my wellbeing, my life? It is staring to seem so. She shares her problems, asks for solutions, and then disappears until the next problem arises. Someone might say if I want her to ask so damn much then I should start sharing directly, but I don't want to share my burden with her or anyone. That is not the reason I feel frustrated or angry at her. I never keep expectations or trust anyone, even her, that is just how I have become, but I have never given her a reason to question this friendship. I am not able to love anyone properly but for her, I have tried continuously but I can't share all my pain with her or anyone for that matter. I don't think my heart will allow that. I never expected that from her nor will I ever. However, I just had the epiphany that my friend doesn't really care about me after seeing that a simple 'are you okay?' didn't come from her, even when it would have naturally come out of even a stranger if I had asked them about a therapist. It really puts my friendship with her in perspective. Am I wrong to feel that she might never be the kind of friend I will be able to trust? She is my only friend that is this close, yet she still seems so far away. I don't know anymore.

#Friendship #Depression #Anxiety

I have been disabled my entire life, their is no me without a disability. It’s always been their and it rarely makes me feel things other than anger at the ableist society that we live in. Today is not one of those days. Today, I am feeling my disability, all because of one innocent text message and its not fucking fair. You see, late last night a friend of mine T asked if I was free to hangout sometime. That is a normal thing for a teenage girl to ask at the end of Summer I get that, but it didn’t stop me from wanting to collapse in on myself 10 seconds after I read it. Because all I could think about in that moment was how could I get to her house? What’s it like? Will I be able to get around? Will she be weird when I ask questions beforehand to prepare? How will the people in her house react to me? Will it change how she sees me since I would be an unprepared setting? So as I am going through my spiral all I am left with is: Is it even worth going? I literally have no real plans with this person but within 10 seconds I did not want to go. Now, most people may think I am self centered if this is the first thing that pops in my head at the mention of hanging out or that I’m crazy to want to plan it out so much. But this is what I have to do, otherwise I end up unable to get into the house, we can’t hangout. Or I am met with a little sister who can’t stop staring at me, or a parent who treats me like a baby and walking into that as a 17 year old can really make you feel like shit. That has all happened before and has been since I able to pick my own friends, so now all I’m left wondering is, is it even worth it to try again? Try again, try to explain what my life is like, how they can help me, teach them about disabilities, make a person who will help and still see me as a worthy friend? Try when every other time I have it have, I’m exhausted, hopeless and alone. I say all this knowing that in a few days I will bite the bullet and push through my anxiety but right now I’m just gonna be angry that I even have to think about this and be even angrier at every other friend that has only given evidence as to why this is what I should worry about.

Gave it my all, but took a mighty fall,
Love's grip so tight, it claimed my soul's thrall.
Now my mind seeks solace for the void within,
Aching heart, searching for ways to begin.

Emptiness and darkness, pain's ceaseless rain,
A struggle to comprehend, accommodate, restrain.
Who knew a friendship could be so toxic and bleak,
Leaving my body anoxic, longing to seek

Survival, I found, by grace of the divine,
Hustling for a life where my spirit can finally shine.
No more hurt, no more tears to spill,
I won't neglect those who uplift and instill

Belief in me, true friends who stay,
Unyielding in love, even when skies turn gray.
Those who stand strong through life's hardest test,
They are the ones who deserve my best.

Pushing away those who truly care,
Leaves one gasping for air, lost and unaware.
I've been through it, and now it's your turn,
May you learn from mistakes and the bridges you burn.

But through it all, I'll still be there,
With abundant love and genuine care to share.
I know the pain of abandonment's sting,
But fear not, my support is no fleeting fling.

My heart is pure, my intentions sincere,
No prey to lure, no hidden agenda to adhere.
For humanity's sake, my mission's aim,
Fiery ambition runs deep in my veins.

Forgiveness and love, I choose to embrace,
No room for hatred, no enemy to chase.
So here's to the next chapter, the story's sequel,
Counting blessings, ensuring your path sees the sun's golden sheen.

No foes shall I keep, for all are equal,
Cheers to a life where compassion is fecal.
With open arms, I welcome what's in store,
A new journey awaits, and my heart's ready to explore.

#Friendship #Love #BestFriends #Toxic #Heartache #friendsfight #Itsokay #humanity #Acceptance #Hope #Positivity #Forgiveness #Healing

I'm going to try and condense this as much as possible but I really need to vent. I have an online friend who also has mental health problems. She gets on medication and comes off them and it seems like it's become a pattern. She goes back and forth on wanting to do therapy. Anyway it was Thursday night and she had messaged me about how she had a panic attack at her husband's familys house. It turned into her snapping at me and I wasn't really sure why. She's done this one other time in the past when she was going through a really rough patch, had just quit her meds again and I had said it could be withdrawal. She felt I was invalidating. Anyway after her snapping at me on Thursday night she then text me a little later talking suicide. I replied and told her she was loved and needed. Then she just left me on read. I didn't sleep well that night because I was really worried about her. I sent her a message on her Facebook saying we didn't need to talk but could she let me know she was ok. Left me on read until late morning, and only after a mutual friend was able to get a hold of her over Facebook that she sent a message saying just saying"I'm ok"

I will a little angry at this point. Then on Friday she sent me another message just saying hi. I replied and asked her how she was feeling. She said she was feeling a certain way but was ok. I left it after that because I felt overwhelmed. She had been posting on Facebook about how bad she felt. After talking it over with my husband I decided to message her to tell her that leaving me to worry like that wasn't ok. She then sent a barrage of texts saying no one cares about her and that she was suffering so much. I have always shown I've cared about her. We talk almost everyday. I've sent her Christmas gifts and cards etc. She said she needed the type of friend who could "pull her out of the gutter"

After that I waited and then spoke to her last night and made conversation about other things. Which she seemed happy to do. Am I being unreasonable or is that a lot of pressure to put on someone? I'm sad and stressed about it all. #Suicide #Depression #Friendship #overwelmed

Dear USA,

It’s been many years since I left home, a place I loved and freely roamed.

Born in nineteen sixty-three amidst a war across the sea.

n the south where I grew up, desegregation bloomed like butter cups.

Children from the city known for song were placed on buses and travelled long.

In class three a bus stopped to park at my school, out poured children red, Black, and blue. I was excited to see their faces, unaffected by our different races.

In class three I played daily with Antoine, Joyce, and tiny Bailey.

Their dark brown eyes to this day, warm my heart in a solemn way

Clasped hands white and brown, skipping rope and running `round.

We merrily sang until the school bell rang,

“Ring around the rosies, a pocket full of posies, ashes, ashes, we all fall down!” All while spinning on the merry-go-round.

Taking turns we felt each other’s hair, our teacher smiled as we sat in our chairs.

Our teacher too was brown and had a baby growing, we all were told as she was showing.

I recall a day while she was on duty, a white boy gave her a gift, two hand knit booties.

Her face lit up for they were hand sewn by his white mother, someone unknown.

“Bussing” humans, the government cited, was a success as we were united

Now I am sixty in a far away land, my country divided like it all began.

Red, Black, and blue a whole other meaning, what happened to us playing and singing?

Society scarred and sour, carelessly handled by no superpower.

I hate you yet long for you, your troubles are mine, too.

I defend you, our people, your resilience, and pride

Yet I am broken as the world watches in stride. Guns, shootings, and Black American’s still, fighting to live without being killed.

How are Antoine, Joyce, and Bailey? Are your babies now men, are they worried daily?

Protest signs, riots are all still there, not in my memory but daily in flares!

As children we huddled in tornado drills, giggled, joked, and made small squeals.

Now although in so called unition school drills are needed against ammunition

At eight with Antoine, Joyce, and Bailey side by side, we never imagined our lives would divide.

I never imagined I’d live across the sea; I wonder if they remember me

As headlines roll in from my home state, peace and love are still a debate

The flag which waves before me is yellow and blue, this country is not perfect, yet better it’s true.

Democracy, hypocrisy, all countries have crisis; I expected my homeland to still be the nicest.

I stand at the shore of the North Sea as tears well up for my Tennessee.

The little girl inside still cares about you, the USA, red, Black, and blue.

Sincerely,

Hope

#blm #Racism #Tennessee #desegregation #Childhood #bussing #Love #Friendship #usa #Discrimination #peace #whitepriviledge #democracy