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    I'm new here herd about this app and group hoping to make friends with I really struggle with and through friendship gain support #BulletJournals #Anxiety #Friendship

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    TRUE or FALSE: It’s easy for me to form connections with others.

    Welcome to another week at 52 Small Things, Mighties! This week we’re focusing on making connections, whether that’s with others or ourselves.

    Today we want to know whether it’s easy for you to form connections with other people. Does bonding come naturally to you? Or does it take a bit of effort for you to get to know others and let them get to know you?

    #52SmallThings #Selfcare #CheckInWithMe #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Friendship #Relationships


    Cyclical, Cynical, Pain

    I raged tonight.
    I cried.
    I hurt.
    I vented so much.
    I still cannot fall asleep.
    I still think of everything I have left inside.
    I am still hurting.
    I am still feeling
    I am still reeling
    I speak my truth, repeat the same story.
    I am honest, know and own my mistakes
    I am still not okay with this
    And I am infuriated
    I hate that I meant nothing in the end.
    I hate that I gave space but none was given to me.
    I hate that I loved with everything and was thrown away like trash.
    I hate that I sacrificed, bled, injured, and loathed myself based off of someone else's idea of me.
    I hate that in the end, promises are always broken, and friendship is forever forsaken
    I hate that I still love, and give space, and wish well, and hope
    I hate that I do not hate
    So I rage
    I cry
    I hurt
    I vent
    I scream
    And every night, the hole where my heart was is filled with tears, sadness, anger and loneliness
    #Selfharm #Suicide #Depression #Grief #Friendship #Loss #emotionalpain

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    The choice

    While at a dark point in my visit to the hospital I almost made the choice to hurt myself but I walked into a special person...was it by chance? I do not know till this day. But one thing is for sure, she talked me out of something I would’ve regretted.

    So I channeled that experience into a poem that to this day makes me grateful for her presence.

    To my hero. B a poem inspired by you.

    The choice

    Early one day I went on a trip and on my way I found a paperclip...

    At first it was something innocent, a fidget toy..

    But later on could my life destroy..

    I do not know how to rid myself of this dark beast that clutches my heart..

    Threatening to unearth pain, reminding me of things that tore my life apart..

    I sat there wanting to cry..My mind filled with confusion and I don’t know why...

    Should I choose to live or should I choose to die?

    Because I no longer know how to live...

    How to try..

    Being someone great..

    Someone powerful enough to change the course of fate?

    Then I walked into you and knew...

    That what I was thinking, was not what I should do..

    Thank you for your help, the opportunity to see my worth...

    The chance to have many more days on this wondrous earth..

    By Camron Botha

    #ChronicDepression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #SuicidalIdeation #IntrusiveThoughts #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Choice #Love #Gratitude #help #Friendship #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Hospital #Truth #Selfharm #dont #loveyourself

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    Who in your life do you have great communication with? What relationship needs work?

    We’re taught that communication is the key to maintaining healthy relationships. This is definitely more easily said than done, and it largely depends on the relationship.

    Mighties, is there anyone in your life you feel you have great communication with? What makes your communication so great? On the flip side, do you have a relationship that could use some improved communication? What do you want to see change?

    Today is all about examining how we communicate with others!

    #52SmallThings #CheckInWithMe #MentalHealth #Selfcare #Friendship #Anxiety #Depression


    Depressed #Autism #Depression #Friendship

    I am rarely on here, but it feels good when I am trying to let out all my problems.

    I was suppose to have lunch today with some friends. We had to reschedule the days to do this which I understand. But at the last minute one of them had to cancel at the last minute before I was getting ready to leave. This is not the first time this is happen. I do not have a lot of friends due to my autism and being introverted and socially awkward. I felt like I have been stabbed in the back and heart at the same time. Has anyone ever felt this way?


    Trying to stay strong

    I'm still mulling over the last year that lead to my best friend and I not talking.
    I have the texts between us on my phone still, I was going through them and realized that when I was at a point where I was actively suicidal, I reached out to her.
    I told her I did not want to survive the night, the only reason I keep going is a promise I made to my kids. I told her I needed her, I could not even get out of bed, I was hurting in a way I could not define.
    I just wanted her.
    I needed her.
    For several days I told her I needed her and missed her. I told her I was getting up to pee, eat, then I drugged myself back to sleep.
    I just wanted her to be on the other end.
    When she responded, she said that I needed to do things to make myself happy. I needed to do stuff to help myself and pick myself up. I needed to refill my cup, with small things every day.
    She never showed.
    Eventually I didn't have a choice, I crawled out of my bed, and took my husband to his doctor's appointments.
    It has been a long time since I was actively suicidal, with a plan, means, and will, fhe only thing that stopped me was my promise to my kids.
    I think over 4 years.
    I am not out of the woods. This specific bout of depression has me so low I am without a means to escape it. But I push through because I have responsibilities and duties and promises to uphold.
    It still hurts...
    I did something I NEVER do.
    I reached out for help.
    I reached out to the one person I loved with so much of myself that I had put myself in harms way for her time and time again.
    I reached out to someone who called and I ran, she needed help, I was there, she needed love, I was there, she needed a car fixed, I was there...
    My husband was there, in the pouring rain, with a broken arm, fixing her car.
    When I needed her, so badly that I broke silence in my depression...
    She wasn't there.
    She wasn't going to be.
    It physically has given me an ulcer, caused back spasms, seizures, and migraines.
    I lost 31 years to someone who couldn't spare me a few hours on a day off...
    I feel like a fool. I feel like I was taken advantage of. I feel violated.
    I am hurting.
    I am hurting like someone has physically damaged me.
    I want to crawl in a hole. I want to move. I want to escape all of these feelings. Stop it all.
    I want to be alone and quiet.
    I want her to realize it wasn't about her having fun without me, it was about me begging for help and friendship, and she wasn't there.
    #Suicide #BipolarDepression #Depression #Friendship #Pain


    The cost of friendship

    Scrutiny, Criticism, Ridicule, questioning, shaming and interrogation. These are all that await those that stand by my side and associate with me and be friends with me. One of the only people that still talks to me from when I worked in the hospital called me tonight and told me how many people criticized her for getting me a birthday present and for still talking to me. With one individual stating I ruined everyone’s life that ever cared about me and another stating that I am a horrible person, a criminal and criticizing her kind gesture. Public shaming was also incurred by the person as the individuals’ brought others into the mix. The last thing in this world is for someone to be harassed for associating with me and being my friend. I would rather be a loner and have no friends and associate with no one then have that be a requirement of being my friend or associating with me. I know many people call me selfish, which is the furthest thing from the truth. I am the most selfless person and I feel it is a selfless act to be willing to give up a friendship, so they don’t have to experience shaming like I have. I understand that it is the person’s choice, but it is sad that people act like this for someone just being a good person and caring about someone. The problem is this isn’t an isolated incident, another girl that one or twice a month texts me to see how I am doing or to tell me to have a good week or day, is afraid that people will find out she associates with me for fear of the backlash and ridicule from others.

    These actions by people like I said make me consider ending the friendship to stop the person having to face the backlash. I would rather be a loner and suffer alone. It makes me truly wondering how I will ever have friends because it is a tall order to ask someone to have to endure. Also, how could I ever expect someone to want to be in a relationship with me if the backlash is so bad for just associating with me, being my friend, and getting me a birthday present. One thing I can prove from the backlash though is that the abuse and bullying I talk about from the past eight years is true because it is the same thing, I incurred just in a different form from judgement of all my social interactions and being accused of asking every girl out. Also, the constant torment from the two individuals that initiated the harassment of telling me I am undesirable, ugly, a loser, a nerd, and so many other hateful remarks. I fear though that the harassment and bullying from these people will mirror that of the rest of society and friend circles for anyone in the future that wants to be friends or have a relationship. Maybe it is true relationships and friendships are not for me because I just bring everyone down. In this case with scrutiny by peers for those that associate with me.

    #MentalHealth #Friendship #BipolarDisorder