Friendship

I'm looking for Christian Female friends because I only have like 1 and a sister just needs some more emotional support fr 💯😩the struggle is real🥲…Hi🥹💗 #Friendship #Makingfriends #Christian #Emotionalsupport #bored #ADHD #PTSD #Jesus

I woke up with a flare & had to cancel the first coffee date I've had with my best friend in months. An hour later, Instacart shows up with pre-pattied Christmas cookie dough, a bag of chocolates, & my favorite instant latte mix. That's friendship.

#Friendship #ChronicFatigueSyndrome #ChronicIllness #Support

It's my first time here and I have literally no one I trust enough to share my thoughts.

I have a friend, she is the one I would consider a good friend since I have major trust issues and just can't let anyone close. She knows about my past with depression, anxiety, and my failed attempt at giving up on life in the past, she is well aware that I have had to go through therapy for a long time, and she knows I can't handle stress well especially during exams, however, for the past years, I have pulled through even if I turn into an emotionless rock that even I don't recognize during those periods. I still go through major bouts of depression and anxiety however the thought of sharing it with anyone scares me even more so keep quiet. SO the point is she knows, at least she should know right? I have told her the biggest fear of my life.

However, this friend of mine, I don't even know if I should call her that anymore... The main thing is we stay in different cities now, so all our interactions are through messages and calls only. She got into a relationship for 2 years, it turned toxic and only when it turned toxic she turned to me for advice, knowing very well that I don't like to think too much about feeling, emotions and love, it stresses me out and I am practically numb to most of those things. Yet she asked me what to do. And I don't blame her for that. Not at all. I know the feeling of wanting someone to understand you and help you. So talked to her extensively, and got her to understand how toxic the boy was. They broke up. From time to time, I checked up on her, and helped her whenever she had a breakdown. Told her to look for a therapist. She got one and started feeling better. Within few months though she got confessed to by multiple people, and she seems to entertain them even after rejecting them, she keeps asking me what to do and I tell her to the best of my abilities, although I feel at this point she seems to be almost boasting about how many people are confessing to her...I don't even recognize her anymore. However, that is not a problem either. The problem is that, despite knowing that I have severe stress issues during exams, she messaged me when she was feeling down about the whole break up thing. I consoled her despite my own anxiety trying to get the best of me, I wouldn't have minded, but she did it multiple times and for problems that she could have handled or discussed after my exams got over and I know I might sound selfish but I feel I can expect that much consideration from someone I considered my best friend. She seems to talk sweetly and wish me luck but at the same time, she knowingly added to my anxiety. I don't know how to feel about that. But even then I was ready to dismiss it all. She is a good friend, right? And it is my job to help a friend no matter what. So I don't mind helping her, no matter how uncomfortable and depressed it makes me feel when I am reminded again and again that all the things she is feeling, love and attraction and affection, I will not be able to feel them ever, that part of me is long dead and I am not jealous, I have accepted that part of me, but she continuously getting me involved in it is making me feel abnormal, because I can't genuinely feel or understand what she is feeling. And she knows that I can't. I have told her explicitly that I am not a person who can feel emotions anymore. yet...yet she doesn't even try to consider me in all of this.

The biggest blow to my idea of her as a best friend is the fact that I asked her about her therapist, who she is, is it possible to contact her, how much does she charge, is she good, will she accept long-distance patients...I asked her all of this, and despite knowing that I had an intense history of depression and self-destructive thoughts, she never once asked me if I was doing okay, if I was asking for the therapist for myself, if I was relapsing into depression again. She didn't bother to ask even once, whether I was in pain. She didn't and that is making me question our friendship. Because I as a friend would ask how is she, even if I get a small hint that she might be even tired. How come she didn't feel any concern at all despite knowing my past, how come she didn't feel to inquire about my heart and mind when she expected me to do that for her for the past months? I am not counting favors, but does she truly not care about me at all? Does she have no consideration for my wellbeing, my life? It is staring to seem so. She shares her problems, asks for solutions, and then disappears until the next problem arises. Someone might say if I want her to ask so damn much then I should start sharing directly, but I don't want to share my burden with her or anyone. That is not the reason I feel frustrated or angry at her. I never keep expectations or trust anyone, even her, that is just how I have become, but I have never given her a reason to question this friendship. I am not able to love anyone properly but for her, I have tried continuously but I can't share all my pain with her or anyone for that matter. I don't think my heart will allow that. I never expected that from her nor will I ever. However, I just had the epiphany that my friend doesn't really care about me after seeing that a simple 'are you okay?' didn't come from her, even when it would have naturally come out of even a stranger if I had asked them about a therapist. It really puts my friendship with her in perspective. Am I wrong to feel that she might never be the kind of friend I will be able to trust? She is my only friend that is this close, yet she still seems so far away. I don't know anymore.

#Friendship #Depression #Anxiety