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CREATE Ambiance

Hi, I know this is a bit outdated but just thought ya'll might want to share pics of your decorated tables, for whatever, Valentines is coming up, have you crafted anything? ANY DELICIOUS valentine recipes to steal our hearts away? IT'S not just about chocolate, you know. #seasonal #ambiance #nourish #Family health #Christmas #Food #home #Relationships #guests #Friendship #Housework

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Give yourself a #boost !

Sometimes a little #coffee cheers me up and makes me feel #better when I am feeling blah. Everything happens for a reason, and there is always a season for things to happen. It is funny how life can be.

Today I wish you the best of love and happiness. Sip some #coffee and share some #Friendship with one another.

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Something Positive That Happened Today

I woke up with a flare & had to cancel the first coffee date I've had with my best friend in months. An hour later, Instacart shows up with pre-pattied Christmas cookie dough, a bag of chocolates, & my favorite instant latte mix. That's friendship.

#Friendship #ChronicFatigueSyndrome #ChronicIllness #Support

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Questionalble friendship

It's my first time here and I have literally no one I trust enough to share my thoughts.

I have a friend, she is the one I would consider a good friend since I have major trust issues and just can't let anyone close. She knows about my past with depression, anxiety, and my failed attempt at giving up on life in the past, she is well aware that I have had to go through therapy for a long time, and she knows I can't handle stress well especially during exams, however, for the past years, I have pulled through even if I turn into an emotionless rock that even I don't recognize during those periods. I still go through major bouts of depression and anxiety however the thought of sharing it with anyone scares me even more so keep quiet. SO the point is she knows, at least she should know right? I have told her the biggest fear of my life.

However, this friend of mine, I don't even know if I should call her that anymore... The main thing is we stay in different cities now, so all our interactions are through messages and calls only. She got into a relationship for 2 years, it turned toxic and only when it turned toxic she turned to me for advice, knowing very well that I don't like to think too much about feeling, emotions and love, it stresses me out and I am practically numb to most of those things. Yet she asked me what to do. And I don't blame her for that. Not at all. I know the feeling of wanting someone to understand you and help you. So talked to her extensively, and got her to understand how toxic the boy was. They broke up. From time to time, I checked up on her, and helped her whenever she had a breakdown. Told her to look for a therapist. She got one and started feeling better. Within few months though she got confessed to by multiple people, and she seems to entertain them even after rejecting them, she keeps asking me what to do and I tell her to the best of my abilities, although I feel at this point she seems to be almost boasting about how many people are confessing to her...I don't even recognize her anymore. However, that is not a problem either. The problem is that, despite knowing that I have severe stress issues during exams, she messaged me when she was feeling down about the whole break up thing. I consoled her despite my own anxiety trying to get the best of me, I wouldn't have minded, but she did it multiple times and for problems that she could have handled or discussed after my exams got over and I know I might sound selfish but I feel I can expect that much consideration from someone I considered my best friend. She seems to talk sweetly and wish me luck but at the same time, she knowingly added to my anxiety. I don't know how to feel about that. But even then I was ready to dismiss it all. She is a good friend, right? And it is my job to help a friend no matter what. So I don't mind helping her, no matter how uncomfortable and depressed it makes me feel when I am reminded again and again that all the things she is feeling, love and attraction and affection, I will not be able to feel them ever, that part of me is long dead and I am not jealous, I have accepted that part of me, but she continuously getting me involved in it is making me feel abnormal, because I can't genuinely feel or understand what she is feeling. And she knows that I can't. I have told her explicitly that I am not a person who can feel emotions anymore. yet...yet she doesn't even try to consider me in all of this.

The biggest blow to my idea of her as a best friend is the fact that I asked her about her therapist, who she is, is it possible to contact her, how much does she charge, is she good, will she accept long-distance patients...I asked her all of this, and despite knowing that I had an intense history of depression and self-destructive thoughts, she never once asked me if I was doing okay, if I was asking for the therapist for myself, if I was relapsing into depression again. She didn't bother to ask even once, whether I was in pain. She didn't and that is making me question our friendship. Because I as a friend would ask how is she, even if I get a small hint that she might be even tired. How come she didn't feel any concern at all despite knowing my past, how come she didn't feel to inquire about my heart and mind when she expected me to do that for her for the past months? I am not counting favors, but does she truly not care about me at all? Does she have no consideration for my wellbeing, my life? It is staring to seem so. She shares her problems, asks for solutions, and then disappears until the next problem arises. Someone might say if I want her to ask so damn much then I should start sharing directly, but I don't want to share my burden with her or anyone. That is not the reason I feel frustrated or angry at her. I never keep expectations or trust anyone, even her, that is just how I have become, but I have never given her a reason to question this friendship. I am not able to love anyone properly but for her, I have tried continuously but I can't share all my pain with her or anyone for that matter. I don't think my heart will allow that. I never expected that from her nor will I ever. However, I just had the epiphany that my friend doesn't really care about me after seeing that a simple 'are you okay?' didn't come from her, even when it would have naturally come out of even a stranger if I had asked them about a therapist. It really puts my friendship with her in perspective. Am I wrong to feel that she might never be the kind of friend I will be able to trust? She is my only friend that is this close, yet she still seems so far away. I don't know anymore.

#Friendship #Depression #Anxiety

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🙂 To anyone that needs to hear this today 😉

Whether this saying resonates with yourself or someone close to you please remember, you have what it takes to tackle life.

I offer this saying to a special friend of mine whom has confided in me during a very difficult and emotional time. 💙 #Grief #Friendship #strength .

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I Love My Body, Disability but Right Now I’m Just Angry at It #CerebralPalsy #Disability #Friendship #Anxiety

I have been disabled my entire life, their is no me without a disability. It’s always been their and it rarely makes me feel things other than anger at the ableist society that we live in. Today is not one of those days. Today, I am feeling my disability, all because of one innocent text message and its not fucking fair. You see, late last night a friend of mine T asked if I was free to hangout sometime. That is a normal thing for a teenage girl to ask at the end of Summer I get that, but it didn’t stop me from wanting to collapse in on myself 10 seconds after I read it. Because all I could think about in that moment was how could I get to her house? What’s it like? Will I be able to get around? Will she be weird when I ask questions beforehand to prepare? How will the people in her house react to me? Will it change how she sees me since I would be an unprepared setting? So as I am going through my spiral all I am left with is: Is it even worth going? I literally have no real plans with this person but within 10 seconds I did not want to go. Now, most people may think I am self centered if this is the first thing that pops in my head at the mention of hanging out or that I’m crazy to want to plan it out so much. But this is what I have to do, otherwise I end up unable to get into the house, we can’t hangout. Or I am met with a little sister who can’t stop staring at me, or a parent who treats me like a baby and walking into that as a 17 year old can really make you feel like shit. That has all happened before and has been since I able to pick my own friends, so now all I’m left wondering is, is it even worth it to try again? Try again, try to explain what my life is like, how they can help me, teach them about disabilities, make a person who will help and still see me as a worthy friend? Try when every other time I have it have, I’m exhausted, hopeless and alone. I say all this knowing that in a few days I will bite the bullet and push through my anxiety but right now I’m just gonna be angry that I even have to think about this and be even angrier at every other friend that has only given evidence as to why this is what I should worry about.

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Friends Forever - a true story

Best Friends Forever - a true story

Today, like many days, mental health is really on my mind. I’d like to tell you the story of a friend I had a few years ago. (It’s long, but it would mean the world to me if you read it.)

You can skip directly to the TL:DR (too long:didn’t read) at the very end if you want.

I met “Sarah” when we both joined an online mental health support group. From her profile picture, I could tell she’d been through a lot for a 36 year old. Sarah was bald, very overweight and she used oxygen. She also now had a bipolar disorder diagnosis and so did I (I was diagnosed in 1999).

I didn’t expect that Sarah would feel up to posting much, but she did, and she was wickedly funny. We hit it off right away. It wasn’t long before we exchanged phone numbers and soon we were chatting nearly every day. Often we’d FaceTime so we could see each other’s faces and share our lives.

We became so close so fast that I felt like I had known Sarah all my life. I learned that she had diabetes, an underactive thyroid, scarred lungs and she had beaten a battle with breast cancer. I was amazed by her and her strength. I began confiding in her and it wasn’t long before I was planning a trip to her city.

One day Sarah didn’t show up to post in our support group, like she had every day. I left her several messages there and later tried her phone but got no answer. I figured she’d contact me when she had a moment.

Two days went by with no word from her. I got worried, but since we’d met online and she lived about 1000 miles away from me, I hadn’t had a chance to visit. I had no one from her family to contact or any other friends who knew her.

I never heard from Sarah again. I missed her terribly and couldn’t quite believe she had ghosted me, but eventually of course I went on with my life.

Three months later, I got a call from a strange number. I don’t usually answer those, but this time something (God?) told me to answer. It was a woman who asked my name and then asked me if I knew her daughter Sarah.

I told her absolutely I did and that I was so glad she’d called because Sarah and I had lost touch. I asked her how she had gotten my number and she told me from Sarah. She then started crying and my heart fell to the floor.

“Sarah’s cancer has come back, hasn’t it.” I was so upset that I started shaking.

“No. Sarah died by suicide a month ago,” her mom finally choked out.

I was stunned. I couldn’t form words. Sure, Sarah and I were both bipolar, and had talked about her other illnesses too, but she was so strong and funny and friendly!

I said, “I thought you told me Sarah had given you my number.” She said, “she did, in a roundabout way. I found it in her phone when I got it back from Verizon and got access to it. I read through your messages and realized you were a close friend.” I confirmed I was and gave her a brief rundown of our friendship.

She then said, “Please tell me about my daughter.”

I spent the next hour and a half telling her everything her daughter and I had shared. We both cried. There were a lot of things she didn’t know about her life in recent years (after all, Sarah was 36 and living on her own).

As Sarah’s mental health apparently declined, she had withdrawn from her family. I was completely surprised because Sarah told me she was close to her family. Plus she was always smiling and funny and upbeat when we spoke or FaceTimed. Her mother explained to me that Sarah had always hidden the worst parts of her mental and physical illnesses and she had even died quietly by overdosing on her insulin.

Sarah’s mom told me, “we do have reason to believe she tried to change her mind at the last minute. She was found with an unlit cigarette in her mouth just steps from the outside door to her apartment building. We think she was going to ask someone for help by getting a light from them outside and asking for them to call 911. But her blood sugar bottomed out and she collapsed.”

When I hung up the phone, I was so heartbroken. I couldn’t believe that such a vibrant soul was gone from the world. I looked back at our messages, still in shock. I couldn’t believe that my life had been touched again by suicide when I myself was bipolar and also a crisis counselor. This was the third suicide among my friends, which is part of the reason I am a crisis counselor and certified in Psychological First Aid.

I decided I needed to do something, anything to remember her by. At that time I ran a Facebook page called the Empathetrix on which I posted my inspirational collage art for my 16,000 followers. I decided to do one for Sarah. It is attached.

The picture shows a little girl headed towards a white light. She’s carrying a backpack and on it is “I am in pain.” There is an angel crying, and she is carrying a teddy bear. Sarah slept with one every night. The quote by CS Lewis reads, “To love at all is to be vulnerable.”

I miss you, Sarah. I’m sorry that I didn’t know you were in such pain. I’m sorry you didn’t feel like you could tell anyone. I won’t forget you.

[TL:DR: I had a friend I met online in a mental health support group who ghosted me after several months and I didn’t know why until her mother called me and told me she died by suicide by overdosing on insulin. I made the attached collage for her.]

#MentalHealth #SuicidePrevention #BipolarDisorder #Friendship #MightyTogether #mightywriters #MightyStories #ChronicIllness #CheckInWithMe #BipolarDepression #Depression

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Unconditional Love

Gave it my all, but took a mighty fall,
Love's grip so tight, it claimed my soul's thrall.
Now my mind seeks solace for the void within,
Aching heart, searching for ways to begin.

Emptiness and darkness, pain's ceaseless rain,
A struggle to comprehend, accommodate, restrain.
Who knew a friendship could be so toxic and bleak,
Leaving my body anoxic, longing to seek

Survival, I found, by grace of the divine,
Hustling for a life where my spirit can finally shine.
No more hurt, no more tears to spill,
I won't neglect those who uplift and instill

Belief in me, true friends who stay,
Unyielding in love, even when skies turn gray.
Those who stand strong through life's hardest test,
They are the ones who deserve my best.

Pushing away those who truly care,
Leaves one gasping for air, lost and unaware.
I've been through it, and now it's your turn,
May you learn from mistakes and the bridges you burn.

But through it all, I'll still be there,
With abundant love and genuine care to share.
I know the pain of abandonment's sting,
But fear not, my support is no fleeting fling.

My heart is pure, my intentions sincere,
No prey to lure, no hidden agenda to adhere.
For humanity's sake, my mission's aim,
Fiery ambition runs deep in my veins.

Forgiveness and love, I choose to embrace,
No room for hatred, no enemy to chase.
So here's to the next chapter, the story's sequel,
Counting blessings, ensuring your path sees the sun's golden sheen.

No foes shall I keep, for all are equal,
Cheers to a life where compassion is fecal.
With open arms, I welcome what's in store,
A new journey awaits, and my heart's ready to explore.

#Friendship #Love #BestFriends #Toxic #Heartache #friendsfight #Itsokay #humanity #Acceptance #Hope #Positivity #Forgiveness #Healing

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Friendship obligation?

I'm going to try and condense this as much as possible but I really need to vent. I have an online friend who also has mental health problems. She gets on medication and comes off them and it seems like it's become a pattern. She goes back and forth on wanting to do therapy. Anyway it was Thursday night and she had messaged me about how she had a panic attack at her husband's familys house. It turned into her snapping at me and I wasn't really sure why. She's done this one other time in the past when she was going through a really rough patch, had just quit her meds again and I had said it could be withdrawal. She felt I was invalidating. Anyway after her snapping at me on Thursday night she then text me a little later talking suicide. I replied and told her she was loved and needed. Then she just left me on read. I didn't sleep well that night because I was really worried about her. I sent her a message on her Facebook saying we didn't need to talk but could she let me know she was ok. Left me on read until late morning, and only after a mutual friend was able to get a hold of her over Facebook that she sent a message saying just saying"I'm ok"

I will a little angry at this point. Then on Friday she sent me another message just saying hi. I replied and asked her how she was feeling. She said she was feeling a certain way but was ok. I left it after that because I felt overwhelmed. She had been posting on Facebook about how bad she felt. After talking it over with my husband I decided to message her to tell her that leaving me to worry like that wasn't ok. She then sent a barrage of texts saying no one cares about her and that she was suffering so much. I have always shown I've cared about her. We talk almost everyday. I've sent her Christmas gifts and cards etc. She said she needed the type of friend who could "pull her out of the gutter"

After that I waited and then spoke to her last night and made conversation about other things. Which she seemed happy to do. Am I being unreasonable or is that a lot of pressure to put on someone? I'm sad and stressed about it all. #Suicide #Depression #Friendship #overwelmed

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