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Questionalble friendship

It's my first time here and I have literally no one I trust enough to share my thoughts.

I have a friend, she is the one I would consider a good friend since I have major trust issues and just can't let anyone close. She knows about my past with depression, anxiety, and my failed attempt at giving up on life in the past, she is well aware that I have had to go through therapy for a long time, and she knows I can't handle stress well especially during exams, however, for the past years, I have pulled through even if I turn into an emotionless rock that even I don't recognize during those periods. I still go through major bouts of depression and anxiety however the thought of sharing it with anyone scares me even more so keep quiet. SO the point is she knows, at least she should know right? I have told her the biggest fear of my life.

However, this friend of mine, I don't even know if I should call her that anymore... The main thing is we stay in different cities now, so all our interactions are through messages and calls only. She got into a relationship for 2 years, it turned toxic and only when it turned toxic she turned to me for advice, knowing very well that I don't like to think too much about feeling, emotions and love, it stresses me out and I am practically numb to most of those things. Yet she asked me what to do. And I don't blame her for that. Not at all. I know the feeling of wanting someone to understand you and help you. So talked to her extensively, and got her to understand how toxic the boy was. They broke up. From time to time, I checked up on her, and helped her whenever she had a breakdown. Told her to look for a therapist. She got one and started feeling better. Within few months though she got confessed to by multiple people, and she seems to entertain them even after rejecting them, she keeps asking me what to do and I tell her to the best of my abilities, although I feel at this point she seems to be almost boasting about how many people are confessing to her...I don't even recognize her anymore. However, that is not a problem either. The problem is that, despite knowing that I have severe stress issues during exams, she messaged me when she was feeling down about the whole break up thing. I consoled her despite my own anxiety trying to get the best of me, I wouldn't have minded, but she did it multiple times and for problems that she could have handled or discussed after my exams got over and I know I might sound selfish but I feel I can expect that much consideration from someone I considered my best friend. She seems to talk sweetly and wish me luck but at the same time, she knowingly added to my anxiety. I don't know how to feel about that. But even then I was ready to dismiss it all. She is a good friend, right? And it is my job to help a friend no matter what. So I don't mind helping her, no matter how uncomfortable and depressed it makes me feel when I am reminded again and again that all the things she is feeling, love and attraction and affection, I will not be able to feel them ever, that part of me is long dead and I am not jealous, I have accepted that part of me, but she continuously getting me involved in it is making me feel abnormal, because I can't genuinely feel or understand what she is feeling. And she knows that I can't. I have told her explicitly that I am not a person who can feel emotions anymore. yet...yet she doesn't even try to consider me in all of this.

The biggest blow to my idea of her as a best friend is the fact that I asked her about her therapist, who she is, is it possible to contact her, how much does she charge, is she good, will she accept long-distance patients...I asked her all of this, and despite knowing that I had an intense history of depression and self-destructive thoughts, she never once asked me if I was doing okay, if I was asking for the therapist for myself, if I was relapsing into depression again. She didn't bother to ask even once, whether I was in pain. She didn't and that is making me question our friendship. Because I as a friend would ask how is she, even if I get a small hint that she might be even tired. How come she didn't feel any concern at all despite knowing my past, how come she didn't feel to inquire about my heart and mind when she expected me to do that for her for the past months? I am not counting favors, but does she truly not care about me at all? Does she have no consideration for my wellbeing, my life? It is staring to seem so. She shares her problems, asks for solutions, and then disappears until the next problem arises. Someone might say if I want her to ask so damn much then I should start sharing directly, but I don't want to share my burden with her or anyone. That is not the reason I feel frustrated or angry at her. I never keep expectations or trust anyone, even her, that is just how I have become, but I have never given her a reason to question this friendship. I am not able to love anyone properly but for her, I have tried continuously but I can't share all my pain with her or anyone for that matter. I don't think my heart will allow that. I never expected that from her nor will I ever. However, I just had the epiphany that my friend doesn't really care about me after seeing that a simple 'are you okay?' didn't come from her, even when it would have naturally come out of even a stranger if I had asked them about a therapist. It really puts my friendship with her in perspective. Am I wrong to feel that she might never be the kind of friend I will be able to trust? She is my only friend that is this close, yet she still seems so far away. I don't know anymore.

#Friendship #Depression #Anxiety

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🙂 To anyone that needs to hear this today 😉

Whether this saying resonates with yourself or someone close to you please remember, you have what it takes to tackle life.

I offer this saying to a special friend of mine whom has confided in me during a very difficult and emotional time. 💙 #Grief #Friendship #strength .

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I Love My Body, Disability but Right Now I’m Just Angry at It #CerebralPalsy #Disability #Friendship #Anxiety

I have been disabled my entire life, their is no me without a disability. It’s always been their and it rarely makes me feel things other than anger at the ableist society that we live in. Today is not one of those days. Today, I am feeling my disability, all because of one innocent text message and its not fucking fair. You see, late last night a friend of mine T asked if I was free to hangout sometime. That is a normal thing for a teenage girl to ask at the end of Summer I get that, but it didn’t stop me from wanting to collapse in on myself 10 seconds after I read it. Because all I could think about in that moment was how could I get to her house? What’s it like? Will I be able to get around? Will she be weird when I ask questions beforehand to prepare? How will the people in her house react to me? Will it change how she sees me since I would be an unprepared setting? So as I am going through my spiral all I am left with is: Is it even worth going? I literally have no real plans with this person but within 10 seconds I did not want to go. Now, most people may think I am self centered if this is the first thing that pops in my head at the mention of hanging out or that I’m crazy to want to plan it out so much. But this is what I have to do, otherwise I end up unable to get into the house, we can’t hangout. Or I am met with a little sister who can’t stop staring at me, or a parent who treats me like a baby and walking into that as a 17 year old can really make you feel like shit. That has all happened before and has been since I able to pick my own friends, so now all I’m left wondering is, is it even worth it to try again? Try again, try to explain what my life is like, how they can help me, teach them about disabilities, make a person who will help and still see me as a worthy friend? Try when every other time I have it have, I’m exhausted, hopeless and alone. I say all this knowing that in a few days I will bite the bullet and push through my anxiety but right now I’m just gonna be angry that I even have to think about this and be even angrier at every other friend that has only given evidence as to why this is what I should worry about.

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Friends Forever - a true story

Best Friends Forever - a true story

Today, like many days, mental health is really on my mind. I’d like to tell you the story of a friend I had a few years ago. (It’s long, but it would mean the world to me if you read it.)

You can skip directly to the TL:DR (too long:didn’t read) at the very end if you want.

I met “Sarah” when we both joined an online mental health support group. From her profile picture, I could tell she’d been through a lot for a 36 year old. Sarah was bald, very overweight and she used oxygen. She also now had a bipolar disorder diagnosis and so did I (I was diagnosed in 1999).

I didn’t expect that Sarah would feel up to posting much, but she did, and she was wickedly funny. We hit it off right away. It wasn’t long before we exchanged phone numbers and soon we were chatting nearly every day. Often we’d FaceTime so we could see each other’s faces and share our lives.

We became so close so fast that I felt like I had known Sarah all my life. I learned that she had diabetes, an underactive thyroid, scarred lungs and she had beaten a battle with breast cancer. I was amazed by her and her strength. I began confiding in her and it wasn’t long before I was planning a trip to her city.

One day Sarah didn’t show up to post in our support group, like she had every day. I left her several messages there and later tried her phone but got no answer. I figured she’d contact me when she had a moment.

Two days went by with no word from her. I got worried, but since we’d met online and she lived about 1000 miles away from me, I hadn’t had a chance to visit. I had no one from her family to contact or any other friends who knew her.

I never heard from Sarah again. I missed her terribly and couldn’t quite believe she had ghosted me, but eventually of course I went on with my life.

Three months later, I got a call from a strange number. I don’t usually answer those, but this time something (God?) told me to answer. It was a woman who asked my name and then asked me if I knew her daughter Sarah.

I told her absolutely I did and that I was so glad she’d called because Sarah and I had lost touch. I asked her how she had gotten my number and she told me from Sarah. She then started crying and my heart fell to the floor.

“Sarah’s cancer has come back, hasn’t it.” I was so upset that I started shaking.

“No. Sarah died by suicide a month ago,” her mom finally choked out.

I was stunned. I couldn’t form words. Sure, Sarah and I were both bipolar, and had talked about her other illnesses too, but she was so strong and funny and friendly!

I said, “I thought you told me Sarah had given you my number.” She said, “she did, in a roundabout way. I found it in her phone when I got it back from Verizon and got access to it. I read through your messages and realized you were a close friend.” I confirmed I was and gave her a brief rundown of our friendship.

She then said, “Please tell me about my daughter.”

I spent the next hour and a half telling her everything her daughter and I had shared. We both cried. There were a lot of things she didn’t know about her life in recent years (after all, Sarah was 36 and living on her own).

As Sarah’s mental health apparently declined, she had withdrawn from her family. I was completely surprised because Sarah told me she was close to her family. Plus she was always smiling and funny and upbeat when we spoke or FaceTimed. Her mother explained to me that Sarah had always hidden the worst parts of her mental and physical illnesses and she had even died quietly by overdosing on her insulin.

Sarah’s mom told me, “we do have reason to believe she tried to change her mind at the last minute. She was found with an unlit cigarette in her mouth just steps from the outside door to her apartment building. We think she was going to ask someone for help by getting a light from them outside and asking for them to call 911. But her blood sugar bottomed out and she collapsed.”

When I hung up the phone, I was so heartbroken. I couldn’t believe that such a vibrant soul was gone from the world. I looked back at our messages, still in shock. I couldn’t believe that my life had been touched again by suicide when I myself was bipolar and also a crisis counselor. This was the third suicide among my friends, which is part of the reason I am a crisis counselor and certified in Psychological First Aid.

I decided I needed to do something, anything to remember her by. At that time I ran a Facebook page called the Empathetrix on which I posted my inspirational collage art for my 16,000 followers. I decided to do one for Sarah. It is attached.

The picture shows a little girl headed towards a white light. She’s carrying a backpack and on it is “I am in pain.” There is an angel crying, and she is carrying a teddy bear. Sarah slept with one every night. The quote by CS Lewis reads, “To love at all is to be vulnerable.”

I miss you, Sarah. I’m sorry that I didn’t know you were in such pain. I’m sorry you didn’t feel like you could tell anyone. I won’t forget you.

[TL:DR: I had a friend I met online in a mental health support group who ghosted me after several months and I didn’t know why until her mother called me and told me she died by suicide by overdosing on insulin. I made the attached collage for her.]

#MentalHealth #SuicidePrevention #BipolarDisorder #Friendship #MightyTogether #mightywriters #MightyStories #ChronicIllness #CheckInWithMe #BipolarDepression #Depression

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Unconditional Love

Gave it my all, but took a mighty fall,
Love's grip so tight, it claimed my soul's thrall.
Now my mind seeks solace for the void within,
Aching heart, searching for ways to begin.

Emptiness and darkness, pain's ceaseless rain,
A struggle to comprehend, accommodate, restrain.
Who knew a friendship could be so toxic and bleak,
Leaving my body anoxic, longing to seek

Survival, I found, by grace of the divine,
Hustling for a life where my spirit can finally shine.
No more hurt, no more tears to spill,
I won't neglect those who uplift and instill

Belief in me, true friends who stay,
Unyielding in love, even when skies turn gray.
Those who stand strong through life's hardest test,
They are the ones who deserve my best.

Pushing away those who truly care,
Leaves one gasping for air, lost and unaware.
I've been through it, and now it's your turn,
May you learn from mistakes and the bridges you burn.

But through it all, I'll still be there,
With abundant love and genuine care to share.
I know the pain of abandonment's sting,
But fear not, my support is no fleeting fling.

My heart is pure, my intentions sincere,
No prey to lure, no hidden agenda to adhere.
For humanity's sake, my mission's aim,
Fiery ambition runs deep in my veins.

Forgiveness and love, I choose to embrace,
No room for hatred, no enemy to chase.
So here's to the next chapter, the story's sequel,
Counting blessings, ensuring your path sees the sun's golden sheen.

No foes shall I keep, for all are equal,
Cheers to a life where compassion is fecal.
With open arms, I welcome what's in store,
A new journey awaits, and my heart's ready to explore.

#Friendship #Love #BestFriends #Toxic #Heartache #friendsfight #Itsokay #humanity #Acceptance #Hope #Positivity #Forgiveness #Healing

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Friendship obligation?

I'm going to try and condense this as much as possible but I really need to vent. I have an online friend who also has mental health problems. She gets on medication and comes off them and it seems like it's become a pattern. She goes back and forth on wanting to do therapy. Anyway it was Thursday night and she had messaged me about how she had a panic attack at her husband's familys house. It turned into her snapping at me and I wasn't really sure why. She's done this one other time in the past when she was going through a really rough patch, had just quit her meds again and I had said it could be withdrawal. She felt I was invalidating. Anyway after her snapping at me on Thursday night she then text me a little later talking suicide. I replied and told her she was loved and needed. Then she just left me on read. I didn't sleep well that night because I was really worried about her. I sent her a message on her Facebook saying we didn't need to talk but could she let me know she was ok. Left me on read until late morning, and only after a mutual friend was able to get a hold of her over Facebook that she sent a message saying just saying"I'm ok"

I will a little angry at this point. Then on Friday she sent me another message just saying hi. I replied and asked her how she was feeling. She said she was feeling a certain way but was ok. I left it after that because I felt overwhelmed. She had been posting on Facebook about how bad she felt. After talking it over with my husband I decided to message her to tell her that leaving me to worry like that wasn't ok. She then sent a barrage of texts saying no one cares about her and that she was suffering so much. I have always shown I've cared about her. We talk almost everyday. I've sent her Christmas gifts and cards etc. She said she needed the type of friend who could "pull her out of the gutter"

After that I waited and then spoke to her last night and made conversation about other things. Which she seemed happy to do. Am I being unreasonable or is that a lot of pressure to put on someone? I'm sad and stressed about it all. #Suicide #Depression #Friendship #overwelmed

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No idea how I have it this far except for the fact I have incredible friends, family, and an amazing lover. #Friendship #Love #sucide #EatingDisorders


Dear USA

Dear USA,

It’s been many years since I left home, a place I loved and freely roamed.

Born in nineteen sixty-three amidst a war across the sea.

n the south where I grew up, desegregation bloomed like butter cups.

Children from the city known for song were placed on buses and travelled long.

In class three a bus stopped to park at my school, out poured children red, Black, and blue. I was excited to see their faces, unaffected by our different races.

In class three I played daily with Antoine, Joyce, and tiny Bailey.

Their dark brown eyes to this day, warm my heart in a solemn way

Clasped hands white and brown, skipping rope and running `round.

We merrily sang until the school bell rang,

“Ring around the rosies, a pocket full of posies, ashes, ashes, we all fall down!” All while spinning on the merry-go-round.

Taking turns we felt each other’s hair, our teacher smiled as we sat in our chairs.

Our teacher too was brown and had a baby growing, we all were told as she was showing.

I recall a day while she was on duty, a white boy gave her a gift, two hand knit booties.

Her face lit up for they were hand sewn by his white mother, someone unknown.

“Bussing” humans, the government cited, was a success as we were united

Now I am sixty in a far away land, my country divided like it all began.

Red, Black, and blue a whole other meaning, what happened to us playing and singing?

Society scarred and sour, carelessly handled by no superpower.

I hate you yet long for you, your troubles are mine, too.

I defend you, our people, your resilience, and pride

Yet I am broken as the world watches in stride. Guns, shootings, and Black American’s still, fighting to live without being killed.

How are Antoine, Joyce, and Bailey? Are your babies now men, are they worried daily?

Protest signs, riots are all still there, not in my memory but daily in flares!

As children we huddled in tornado drills, giggled, joked, and made small squeals.

Now although in so called unition school drills are needed against ammunition

At eight with Antoine, Joyce, and Bailey side by side, we never imagined our lives would divide.

I never imagined I’d live across the sea; I wonder if they remember me

As headlines roll in from my home state, peace and love are still a debate

The flag which waves before me is yellow and blue, this country is not perfect, yet better it’s true.

Democracy, hypocrisy, all countries have crisis; I expected my homeland to still be the nicest.

I stand at the shore of the North Sea as tears well up for my Tennessee.

The little girl inside still cares about you, the USA, red, Black, and blue.



#blm #Racism #Tennessee #desegregation #Childhood #bussing #Love #Friendship #usa #Discrimination #peace #whitepriviledge #democracy

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Standing by my teacher's side during her cancer journey

Cancer. What an awful word. Never in a thousand years I thought that I would lose one of my dearest people in the world in such a short period of time.

Back in 2018 I decided to start taking pottery classes. I needed something to keep my creativity going. Even though I loved writing and painting, I always felt as if I needed something that would be more of a challenge. Near my place there was an art institute and I decided to give it a go.

And there I met her: Laura. She irradiated such a positive and calming energy that it made me feel at ease from minute one. She was a ray of sunshine. I immediately saw her as a motherly figure, not a teacher. She taught me the basics and by the end of the lesson, I knew I had gained a friend, a confidant.

At the end of March I had a cholecystectomy and she kept sending me messages asking how I was doing. FYI, we had only known each other and the rest of the girls for less than a month. I couldn't wait to go back and share my Friday afternoons with them. We would drink yerba mate, listen to music and have some biscuits while we created amazing things with our hands.

We loved the same kind of music, we made the same stupid jokes and we could talk about anything, no strings attached.

Then the pandemic hit and our pottery lessons were put on hold. It felt empty but we kept in touch with spontaneous FaceTime sessions every now and then.

In the midst of it all I had started my fibromyalgia treatment, had lots of tests done and Lau was always asking how I was a mother would.

2021 began. I still remember the day. March 14th.

"Eri, gorgeous. How is your treatment going? I waited a while before asking you because I didn't know if it was working. Things for me healthwise are not looking good. I'm afraid I won't be able to teach this year. Whatever's wrong with me needs to be treated by an oncologist. I can't believe that I'm still living my life as I normally would. Anyway, it is what it is, I have to give the best of me."

This time it was my turn to stand by her. I was in total shock. All I wanted was to take that pain away. I was angry. Why her? Why now that we couldn't be together? Why in the middle of a pandemic? At this point I still had hope. Treatment was available. My grandma had overcome it, my auntie too...twice. Laura was strong, she was going to be okay.

August arrived in a blink of an eye. Somehow I had managed to avoid getting covid, Laura too.

"Eri, Danila told me that she is free on Saturdays in the afternoons for pottery classes. What do you think? Is 4pm to 6pm ok?"

In my head I felt that everything was slowly going back to normal. That first class at her place was like a reunion of best friends that hadn't seen each other in ages. She had two dogs who loved being held, the music was back, this time we drank tea but the biscuits were always the main protagonists on the dining table. We couldn't hug, we still had our masks on. For those two hours we forgot about our health problems and just enjoyed each other's company.

The end of 2021 approached and her health had deteriorated quite a lot but she never canceled any of the lessons. Not once. Her hair had fallen out and she was sometimes wearing a wig, she was thinner than usual because she couldn't eat, her feet were swollen. She had told me that the cancer had spread. I knew what that meant but i refused to believe it. She looked just fine from the outside.

Our last lesson before Christmas was special for the saddest of reasons.

We would now hug when we got to her place and when we left. This time one of her daughters was helping a lot, I could see that Lau was too weak and a bit lost.

In my mind I knew...but I didn't want to acknowledge it.

Before we left that day she gave us a hug...the biggest of hugs. She reminded us to take care of each other, to listen to our bodies, to love unconditionally and she told us over and over again that she loved us and that we had helped her so much to feel good during her illness. Danila and I looked at each other and reciprocated the hug and the love words.

When the door closed and we reached the corner of the street, we cried our eyes out.

Lau got hospitalized just before Christmas and asked to be discharged for the New Year. She was that stubborn, still. She wanted to be with her husband, her daughters and grandchildren.

January was weird. Lau didn't respond to our messages as often and by the end of the month it was her daughter the one in charge of her phone. I prayed more than ever in order for her to feel the least possible pain. I thought about her day and night.

January 31st, 2022

I got the message that I dreaded the most.

"Hello girls. I'm Eduardo, Laura's husband.Laura is not physically with us anymore. She left us today at midday. We are not having a funeral. She didn't want her loved ones to see how she looked in her final days. She wanted for you to remember her like that bubbly and happy person she was. She loved you girls dearly. She even decided to teach you pottery even during her treatment because you were her medicine, what kept her happy. I thank you for the bottom of my heart for all those beautiful moments you gave her."

I felt my heart being broken in a million pieces. I had never felt such pain. I could feel my heart aching, I cried so loudly that even my mum got worried. Such was my heartbreak that I ended up with a fever for the rest of the week. What now? How to move on? What was I going to do?

I was going through a severe depression and this heartbreak wasn't helping much. I didn't think I was going to be able to go back to her place to get my things.

But I had to.

I can't explain what I felt when I went through that gate and through that wooden door. I needed to keep myself together: for Lau's family, for the girls, for my sanity. My hands were shaking, I still couldn't come across the fact that she was gone. My mind was in distress. I tried to keep a straight face. I put my things in my bag and then one of the girls said some comforting words...and that's when it hit me: I was ugly crying again, gasping for air. I needed to leave. Just like that last time of seeing Lau giving me a hug at the door before saying goodbye, I looked at her daughter and gave her the warmest of hugs. All of the ten blocks that separated her house from mine I cried. I cried like I had never cried before. What was the point of keeping my pottery stuff now?

But then I remembered. All of us four, her students, had helped her without even knowing it. We held her hand, we picked her up, we gave her comfort and the assurance that even in the darkest of days, the sun shines. I know she's not in pain anymore, and even if my heart is still breaking...I know she's here with me, singing along to our favorite Harry Styles song.

#Cancer #Grief #Friendship #heartbreak #Empathy #Love

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