Yellowstone

Ever since I got here, I’ve been chronically stressed, and when I’m under stress, my emotions and thoughts tend to intensify. Today was the worst because I was dealing with not only the stress of work, but the stress of losing one of our managers, who was fired for a stupid reason. So I’m depressed and stressed as hell, and not feeling like being nice to anyone at all. Enter stage left, suicidal thoughts, only this time they were very tempting. I told coworkers I was going to kill myself after my shift, which they didn’t really take seriously.

I actually recognized how far out of hand my emotions were getting, and I texted my parents, explaining how stressful everything was and that I wanted to kill myself. My parents didn’t take it seriously and my manager, an absolute scum to the earth, catches me on my phone. I bluntly told her I was going to kill myself before she drags me into her office. This was the most hurtful part of the argument, but she acknowledged while she didn’t want anything to happen to me, I shouldn’t have been on my phone during service, especially when it came to having conversations like that in front of the customer. This made me even more pissed off at her, and when she said she was going to call HR, I replied with “Better than talking to you.”

The silence after I said that was eternal, and I walked away and had a breakdown in the kitchen. I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I didn’t want to be here, and yet the only east way out felt like suicide. HR felt more understanding and had a ranger drive me to the hospital.

When I talked with a counselor, he said I wasn’t the first employee from my company that he’s talked to in my situation. There have been many others as well, and he wished that my company provided easy access to in person sources such as therapy.

We call HR again, and one of them seemed more concerned on whether or not I could return to work or not (glad to see she was concerned about my well being..)

But that’s the terrific tale of a bad day, and I can expect the next few days or week to be extremely difficult #Depression #Anxiety #CheckInWithMe #Yellowstone