It’s a week since the ambulance took me to hospital . There is still no definitive discharge date or surgical plan. Right now the focus is trying to get my pain managed.
Today was a rugged day. Physiotherapy was intense and relief from the relentless pain is not working. I want to go home and things go back to normal. My tear stained pillow will hopefully bring peace, relief and hope.
“Something has changed within me. Something is not the same. I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game. Too late for second-guessing. Too late to go back to sleep. It's time to trust my instincts…
I'm through accepting limits ‘cause someone says they're so. Some things I cannot change but, til I try, I'll never know. Too long I've been afraid of losing love, I guess I've lost. Well, if that's love, it comes at much too high a cost…Everyone deserves the chance to fly. And if I'm flying solo, at least I'm flying free…”
“Don’t try to take this from me…Feels like I’m waking from the dead…I thought we could brave it all. I never thought that what would take me out was hiding down below. Lost the battle, win the war. Bringing my sinking ship back to the shore…starting over. There’s a time and a place to die, but this ain’t it. If there’s a future, [I] want it…[I] have some memories…they will remind me not to make the same mistakes again…”
“It got progressively harder to miss you…”
“[you say this is love]…but I’m still gone…I’ve got to make my peace. I’ve got to move on…[I had to wake up. I’ve] got the right to choose….[I’ve] got the right to choose. Real love, I wanna feel…real love. True love,…I wanna know what it means to really be loved “
“Reborn and shivering. Spat out on new terrain. Unsure, unconvincing, this faint and shaky hour. Day one, day one, start over again. Step one, step one, I am barely making sense, for now. I'm faking it 'til I'm pseudo making it…from scratch, begin again, but this time I as I. And not as We. Gun shy and quivering. Timid, without a hand. Feign brave with steel intent…Day one, day one, start over again. Step one, step one, with not much making sense, just yet. I'm faking it 'til I'm pseudo making it…from scratch. Begin again, but this time I as I, and not as We…”
“All the lonely shadow dances…It’s a solo song…only for the brave.”
“She was wise, full of magic and light. You could see it in her eyes….I saw it in her eyes”
“No need to hide little morning bird. You’re grown now. It’s safe now for your return…Bring all of you, broken pieces [too]…What you’re seeking’s been inside of you…don’t you change your tune. Show us the world from your own point of view. The more that you sing out the better we’ll be. Color us brighter with what you have seen…Bring all of you. What you’re seeking’s been inside of you…”
“There is a light at the end of the tunnel…’Cause now I know…there is a light inside of me. There was a shadow of a doubt but, baby, it’s never going out. There is a light inside of me”
~~~
“Just because you’re sad or grieving doesn’t mean you’re not grateful. And it doesn’t mean you’re not hopeful. Sadness is the soul’s way of saying, “This mattered.”
“If something so impossibly catastrophic and unimaginably awful can happen, then doesn’t it also mean that something impossibly beautiful and impossibly redemptive can happen?”
“I can’t say what will happen. But I can tell…[and] show [myself] what is possible”
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“All these changes feel like death. Yet my heart’s still pounding in my chest.”
“…all of his wounds ain’t an excuse for you to put up with how he treats you. You’re gonna give it all and give it all, but you won’t get it back…He wants your shimmer to make him feel bigger, until he starts feeling insecure…”
“…it’s an easy game to play, until we lose ourselves…[the bad habits of one become] the secondhand smoke of the other…say goodbye...He’s just another one takin’ and another one makin’ you cry…you’ve got another thing comin’ if you think he’s gonna change this time…”
“…I know there’s no peace in that. I can tell myself 1000 times…that maybe I just couldn’t see that there ain’t nothing wrong with us at all. But you keep playing games with me…[and] you break and you take and you tear me down…you say there’s nothing wrong, and I long to take you at your word…but everything with you is trying and I don’t wanna keep on crying…I’m the only one…I’ve been telling everyone I’m fine, but I feel like I’ve lost my mind…”
“I know I should trust my gut…I hate the way you break and you take and you tear me down”
“Everything’s alive and wild and dying. There’s beauty in the sweat, the blood and the crying. I played house for a while and I got lost in the trying…since I was a child I’ve been fighting. I am an animal. Wild, undeniable. A miracle, a mess; ethereal, blood and flesh…Our stories and plans are so defining. The future and the past are both bad timing…the leaves are changing reminding me that I am an animal. My wild’s undeniable…My body is soft, but all teeth can cut. The animal is in all of us…”
“Just ‘cause you can’t beat them don’t mean You should join them”
“…I’m sick of suckin’ in, just to let you win and make you feel big…I’m sick of helping out, just for the chance to give and take it on the chin. And I’m sick of wearin’ down, so I can crash when I finally wear out.”
“There is no good reason
I should have to be so alone
I'm smothered by this emptiness
Lord, I wish I was made of stone
Like a fool, I lent my soul to love
And it paid me back in change…Now my sense of humor needs a break
I see a shadow in the mirror
And she's laughin' through her tears
One more smile's all I can fake. There is a wound inside me and it’s bleeding like a flood. There’s times when I see a light ahead but hope is not enough
And another night surrounds me and it pounds me like a wave.”
“You are not my friend,
I cannot pretend that you are.
You made it sting,
Your voice is ringing,…You are not my friend,
I cannot pretend anymore.
You found a place no one should ever go…”
“Sayin’ I don’t know would be like sayin’ that the sky ain’t blue…You can have your space….I ain’t gonna fence you in…‘Cause I know my place, and it ain’t with you. Sunsets fade and love does too. Though we had our day in the sun, when a horse wants to run, ain’t no sense in closing the gate. You can have your space…you can have your space…”
“You can’t get what you want from me. And I can’t get what I need from you.”
“…the landslide brought me down…what is love? Can the child within my heart rise above? Can I sail through the changing ocean tide? Can I handle the seasons of my life?…I’ve been afraid of changing ‘cause I built my life around you. But time makes you bolder…and I’m getting older…”
“All these changes feel like death. Yet my heart’s still pounding in my chest…all these changes won’t kill me…metamorphosis. Give it a little more time…Been through pain…I find strength in the faith of letting go…Give it a little more time…a little more time…Change this big feels like death, but I believe it’s for the best…”
#Relationships #EmotionalAbuse #manipulation #PsychologicalAbuse #Grief
1 reaction All About Heaven In Catholicism
In Catholicism, Heaven is the ultimate end and fulfillment of human longing. Not only that, but it is also described as a state of perfect and unending happiness through the Beatific Vision, which is a direct, unmediated knowledge and love of God. Last but not least, Catholics believe that Heaven helps people establish a personal relationship with the Holy Trinity and that it is not a physical place but a definitive state of communion with God, the Virgin Mary, the angels, and all the blessed. Oh and Catholics even believe that when one enters heaven by dying in a state of grace, this means that they are free from mortal sin, through faith, repentance, and baptism
Growing up we had it constantly drummed into us that as children we had to be quiet and keep our opinions to ourselves.
Over the years I have been trying to reclaim my voice. Even something as simple as asking the steward on a long haul flight for another coke or hot towel.
I have been in hospital for almost a week now. Because of the seriousness of my injury I am engaging with nurses and doctors are lot. I have pressed the call button a lot. I can’t do much without support. So embarrassing as it is I have had to ask for assistance with toilets, and additional medication. I am charted for 3 different pain meds every four hours but I have not hesitated to ask for additional meds when I need them. Trying to “tough out” the pain is not good medical care and the nurses have never made it awkward to ask.
Finding our voice and holding firm boundaries is liberating. During my 30 years in business I sacked clients on occasions. I would tell the client that I don’t get paid enough to be subjected to condescending comments and they needed to find a new broker. The people I sacked were often shocked and begged me to reconsider but I never did. They had to have a pattern of consistent rudeness to get me to sack them. Walking away from a good sale was liberating.
Speak up. Your voice deserves to be heard. You have experienced much and learnt even more. You might even be the voice for those not ready to speak up themselves.
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I rather be by myself. I don’t want to be bothered. I have had so many bad experiences with people. People are so rude and disrespectful. I hate people. Leave me alone. I just want to be by myself and don’t ask me for my stuff or money because I don’t care about you and if you are attractive and got cheated on but still could get another boyfriend/girlfriend. I don’t care because I am close to 30, never even been in a relationship and never had sex lol. I never had a good looking man ask me out to eat. Do you think I care if a pretty girl gets cheated on by a guy if she could get another one? I can’t even get one that I like. So bye. I have been rejected too many times especially by very attractive men. So all you attractive people out there, get over yourselves and stop being depressed; I don’t even care if it’s anything serious just get over it because us ugly people have it worse. Some people don’t even want to talk to us
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My daughter has long maintained that my younger son is my favorite of my three kids.
Something to that effect came out in a conversation we had tonight. And I said the most stupid, hurtful, messed-up thing.
It went something like this: “He’s not my favorite. But he’s easier to be around sometimes because he doesn’t criticize me like you do.”
Immediately, my daughter looked like someone had struck her. I tried backpedaling: “I mean, maybe I do need to be critiqued sometimes. I need to be able to handle it.”
She just wanted me to leave. I texted her when I got home: “I’m so sorry baby. Is there any way I can fix this?”
She responded: “That’s it? That’s your whole apology?” There was some back and forth, then she stopped responding.
I’ve had a million opportunities to explain to my daughter how her criticism affects me. And our relationship could handle it.
But no. I brought it up in the context of my love for my children. There’s such a primal fear connected to feeling like you’d be the one tossed off the lifeboat.
I’m horrified at myself. She will never forget this night or the way I made her feel. She may never forgive me.
I’m open to any advice. I’m sharing this in large part so I face it. I think I have to accept that there may be no solution. I may just have to live with this.
Please pray for my daughter if that’s something you do. She’s a beautiful soul and deserves love.
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ADHD And Sugar
The relationship between ADHD and sugar is still being investigated. While some studies suggest that high sugar intake may worsen ADHD symptoms, others have found no association. More research is needed to fully understand this complex topic. In the meantime, it is recommended that people with ADHD should limit their sugar intake as part of a healthy overall diet. Oh and I have also learned from experience that exercising and doing something music- related can help those of us with ADHD lessen our symptoms as well.
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