7 Seemingly Small Ways My Partner Supports Me Through Anxiety

Anxiety can definitely take its toll on a romantic relationship. For me, I know I wish I could keep my mood swings, energy levels and decision making under check at times. And prior to treatment, negative perspective-taking, irritability and withdrawal were weekly challenges to deal with.

I think my husband sometimes feels frustration when facing the reality that it is not under his control to “fix” how I’m feeling on a bad day. Even so, I couldn’t have asked for a more supportive partner, who continues to learn, as I learn, what my anxiety means and what I need to strike a balance between organization and relaxation.

I’d like to share seven small but critical ways my partner supports me through my anxiety:

1. He takes the lead on money matters.

Money gives me a lot of anxiety. Even as a child, I remember being pretty preoccupied with saving money and feeling conflicted about what to spend it on, or whether it should be spent at all. I’ve come to realize that my money anxiety in adulthood might come from unrealistic expectations on how much I should be able to save. I’ve never been in debt, and I’m privileged enough to have always been able to purchase what my family and I need. But I set high standards on how much I should be able to put and keep in savings each month, and as my family has grown and our needs have changed, it’s not realistic to be
able to save at the same rate as when we were childless and using our parents’ hand-me-down cars.

Checking my bank account is a huge source of anxiety and I go to great lengths to avoid seeing what I’ve spent my money on, and how much is left to transfer to savings. Recognizing that it’s unsafe to avoid checking my financials, my partner and I finally consolidated our accounts so he could keep an eye on everything.

In addition, he’s always run the budgets, has long and short term savings goals (which we’re meeting) and will of course still consult with me before making any large scale financial decision. But I’m grateful that he has taken over the day-to-day and month-to-month monitoring of financial information. And he regularly assures me that everything is fine and we’re meeting our goals with our current lifestyle and spending habits.

2. He buys me fidgets.

I’m super fidgety, but hadn’t been able to label it as such until relatively recently. I’ve always sat in strange (and socially unusual) postures, such as sitting on-top of one tucked-up leg during a formal work conference, and then continuously shifting from one leg to the other, while swiveling (if the chair allows), clicking or tapping my pen, biting my lip, scratching my head and twirling my hair.

When I first started reading about fidgets several years ago, it was always in the context of ADHD and ASD, so I didn’t immediately realize how they could be helpful for someone like me. It even took me a while to reflect on all my quirky little behaviors and how I didn’t notice others (at work or in social circumstances) doing similar things. It left me feeling kind of juvenile; why can’t I just sit still?

I first acknowledged a use for designated fidgets when I would gravitate toward the slinky in my therapist’s office each week, and shuffle it between my hands. After realizing this new pattern, I posted on social media asking for discrete fidget recommendations that could mimic the sensation of a slinky.

Before long, it was Mother’s Day, followed by my birthday, and interspersed with other cute gifts, my husband thoughtfully purchased me my first fidgets. He picked out fidget necklaces, bracelets, weighted spinners and a set of twelve mini slinkies! Now I’ve got slinkies in my office (at home and at work), my backpack, in my car (for when I’m a passenger, not the driver!) and on my nightstand. Fidgets were one of those items that I would buy for my kids but not for myself, so I really appreciated the consideration my husband put into improving my self-care.

3. He takes over the kids when my mood is shot.

I still have my days where I’m overstimulated, under-rested and mentally drained. On these days, I’m not the most patient mom. Luckily, my husband is quick to pick up on when I’m running out of shits-to-give, and strategically coaxes the kiddos away from me. Especially if I give him a heads up that I’m feeling extra irritable, he takes initiative to make and serve dinner, facilitate the conversation at the table, clean the food off the 2-year-olds hands and face and get both kids going on their bedtime routines.

Most of these parenting tasks we share as partners on a day-to-day basis, but it’s certainly a relief that he happily and diligently takes control when I’m not in condition to “mom.” He knows that usually all I need is a little extra space and time to recalibrate. There are also times when I swoop in to do the same for him. Like everyone else, he has his bad days when he’s more irritable and can have a shorter fuse with the kids. As soon as I notice, I do what I can to get the bulk of the kids’ attention and needs on me, so my partner can do what he needs to get back to his desired headspace.

4. He supports my career and hobbies.

My first full time “job” was spending six years as a PhD student, where my earnings could be considered more of a modest stipend than a salary. Aspiring to continue a career in academia, it was customary to have several consecutive appointments to increase my skill set, which each lasted between 10 months and four years in my case. As training positions in a field of service, these too were not particularly lucrative, but it was mainly the temporary nature of the positions that caused me the most stress. My anxiety tells me to seek control of stability and avoid risks, and this mindset made transitions between my job positions difficult.

My husband has supported my career journey by never placing pressure on trying to earn a
higher salary, holding a stable and geographically compatible job of his own while I try to figure out where I end up and valuing the flexibility accompanying most of my positions. Plus, he knows I enjoy what I do and that I actually want to work; being productive at work helps my self-esteem, and he loves when I talk nerdy to him.

As my partner, my husband also supports my hobbies, including my active volunteer roles with cub scouts, having the occasional girls’ night and writing. This support has been really important to my mental health, as only a year-and-a-half ago I was so depressed and anxious that I couldn’t name a single hobby or friend during my cognitive behavioral therapy intake appointment. Now I have several healthy options for spending my precious “me” time, and my partner will often happily watch the kids or leave work on time to support my need for a balanced life.

5. He gives me space and time.

Sometimes the type of “me” time I need is just to lay alone in bed, in the middle of the afternoon or to sleep in unusually late. Or, many times, I’m happy to sit on the couch with my family while they watch a movie, but instead of attending to the movie, I’d rather read articles on my phone. These types of mental breaks help me re-energize for the various other forms of quality time I try to give each family member throughout the day. My partner understands that sometimes I just need time to recover from a bad mood or exhaustion, and he supports my need to get away (literally or figuratively) even though he’d rather always have me by his side.

6. He asks how he can help.

This one has taken a while for him to get used to, but my husband is now accustomed to ask me how (and if) he can help, instead of taking action while assuming I needed help. For me, there are two different phenomena at play. First, people often want to help each other but have difficulty realizing or accepting that such help is beyond their control. This is the case when I’m having a bad mood day but I can’t articulate why, or what would sooth me. Usually the answer is just space and time (see #5 above), and there really isn’t anything specific I want my partner to say or do to help. It can be frustrating for me to have to explain why I can’t accept help, and frustrating for him to hear that he can’t make things better.

Second, if I’m having a bad day but still managing to get something done (i.e., cook dinner, clean part of the house, etc.) often I’m doing said task because it is something small I feel capable of completing without asking for help. This makes imposed help not only unwanted, but borderline insulting. Since my husband’s intentions are always good (wanting to share the burden of something unpleasant but necessary), these situations of unwanted help are prime for causing misunderstandings and mini arguments. He sees I’m struggling and naturally wants to make things better. But I have chosen the task because it is something I feel comfortable with. If that task is taken away from me, I’m left feeling frustrated because I didn’t accomplish anything and all the alternative tasks feel too daunting to me. When I react to the help with a scoff, I appear ungrateful and use an irritated tone to describe why I’m agitated by the well-meant gesture.

By now, we’ve had enough of these mishaps to clarify that instead of assuming I need rescuing or fixing, it’s best to ask if or how I could use help. Often, there is something I can be helped with, but it’s usually something else… that I’m intentionally avoiding.

For me, it sometimes takes a lot of energy to feel good about myself, and when my independence is encroached upon, even out of the goodness of your heart, it robs me of an opportunity to reap the intrinsic benefits of a productive struggle. I can also see how this is a bit of a culture shock to the chivalrous-at-heart.

7. He provides reminders for my medication routine.

Within the last six months, I’ve noticed a pattern of good and bad mood weeks each month. After consulting with my psychiatric nurse practitioner, I learned I may have premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD). Perhaps prior to starting an SSRI, my anxiety levels were so elevated that I just felt uptight all the time. But now that I’ve felt much more functional for the last year, the times when I feel uptight, or mentally and physically lethargic, are more noticeable.

My husband has been a true partner in caring for my mental health by taking my service provider’s advice to use an app to track my menstrual cycle and alter my dosage at certain times of the month. This has worked out really well so far. I have been unmotivated to download such an app, and I can’t see how I’d remember to accurately follow and update it on a regular basis. But my husband keeps track of my menstrual cycle on his phone and reminds me when it’s time to adjust my medicine dosage. He also knows my cycle is a bit irregular so he’ll check in with me at certain times of the month to ask “has your period started yet?” or “are you still spotting?” so he can enter the data on his app and better predict when my next dosage change should be.

The few people I’ve told about this arrangement think it sounds a bit odd that my husband is “tracking” my cycle for me, but honestly it hasn’t felt at all intrusive, and on the
contrary frees me from mental load. And he does more than just help with the schedule.  He often checks to make sure I’ve had my antidepressant each night; I have a daily alarm but often I don’t stop everything to take my pill right in that moment, so the extra reminders have been helpful.

Further, my husband sets out my vitamin for me each night, so I notice it and remember to take it. It sounds like such a small, silly thing that surely I wouldn’t need help with, but it really makes the difference on whether I take my vitamin at all. Maybe it’s how I experience mental fog and I just don’t want to add one more thing to my agenda. Often at the end of a long day, I don’t want to take the extra five seconds to get out a vitamin, but when it’s sitting right there ready for me, I really don’t have a good excuse to avoid the half second it will take to grab and swallow it.

I could probably describe several more profound ways that my husband is understanding, accepting and directly supportive of my mental health needs, but I’ve decided to highlight these as examples of the more subtle day-to-day gestures that I am appreciative of.

Sometimes the smallest shifts in how we speak, act or check-in with our partners can bring a big relief and demonstrate unconditional love. It’s not always easy to learn these unsung supports, either for our partners or for ourselves, but with patience and communication it sometimes feels that my anxiety has brought my partner and I closer.