Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder

hii i'm sleebyreeby! i'm a neurodivergent 25 year old with a variety of chronic health symptoms that are largely undiagnosed. seems like they're always evolving, really hard to pin down or get a doctor to pay any attention to. feeling particiularly lonely about it all today, i decided to download this app.

i'm interested in talking to folks with similar symptoms, as well as just being able to talk openly about how i'm feeling without thinking i'm annoying or disgusting anyone 😅

#MightyTogether #HidradenitisSuppurativa #IrritableBowelSyndromeIBS #ADHD #Autism #PMDD #PremenstrualDysphoricDisorder

Every 28 days #PMDD takes 18 days.

40% of the year is spent being me.
Don't be fooled into thinking that being me is filled happily dancing around, singing, holding hands, filled with the joys of spring, drinking in those good moments.

Being me means spending time picking up the destruction left behind after each episode, trying to piece my life back together, trying to hold my family together once again from the damage thats been caused.

It means the exhausting cycle of putting old plans in place & figuring out new plans to try and minimise the damage that the impending next episode is going to cause closest to me.

It means forever living with crippling guilt, shame, embarrassment because of things I've said, ways I've acted & a gut wrenching fear that one day I won't ever be able to claw myself out of that hole of continous thoughts and feelings of wanting to be unalive that each #PremenstrualDysphoricDisorder episode brings.

It means plastering in on a smile for my family while really I'm still crying inside for the days, hours, minutes, I missed with them, whilst a rising anxiety lurks inside me as I know what is coming.

The rest of my time is spent living as my alter ego, in #PMDDhell .
Angry, depressed, withdrawn, fatigued, in pain, disassociated from the world around me, in a constant state of self loathing & planning my own demise.

Even when PMDD is not present, it makes its presence known.

If you know someone with PMDD, please don't ever tell them it's just #PMS .

Its been almost a year since I banished her out of my life.
I cast her out like she was discarded rubbish. I often wonder if she deserved that.

Was it really that bad? Was she really that bad?

I miss her. I miss the comfort she bought. I miss her presence. The way she made me feel so in tune with my body. How she intensified every emotion I felt.
I dont want her back. She was destructive. She broke my soul with her venomous words, her twisted dreams & poisonous thoughts. I was broken when she was near.
But, I loved her. I needed her. I still need her. Without her I am not whole. Now she is gone a part of me feels lost, trapped in a bleak void forever falling further and further away from me.
The world seems scary without her. I'm not sure who I am or where I belong. Life is less colourful & more stagnant somehow.
I want to reach out to her, feel the bitter sting of her impact on my life once more.
I want to know that she is ok.

But, I know that she is ok. For she is my PMDD alter ego. I am her and she is me.

#PMDD #PremenstrualDysphoricDisorder #hormonesensitivity #MenstrationMatters #WomensHealth #mentalhealthmatters #menopause #PMDDthoughts #MentalHealth

I have PMDD. I have been suffering with this since I was a young teenager and I believe even before that. PMDD stands for Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder and it is considered a mood disorder that is caused by hormones and the neurotransmitters not taking these hormones well during your luteal phase. Basically my brain freaks out when certain hormones are going through my body during this time of my menstrual cycle. Most people experience symptoms such as anxiety, depression, rage, bloating or inflammation, muscle pain, intense food cravings, increased sensitivity to rejection, self-critical thoughts, and sometimes suicidal ideation.

I got my menstrual cycle when I was 10 years old and I remember being really scared. I was told that they were so painful but I was not sure what that would look like. My mom did her best to make sure I understood the foundation of menstrual cycles and what I would need each month but nothing could have prepared her for the years to come where each month I would be filled with rage, depression, suicidal ideation, and all of the other challenges that came with it and no clear diagnosis.

I did not get a clear diagnosis until about a year ago when I started to do research on menstrual cycles and found out about PMDD. My mom told me how she mentioned it to my pediatrician because she could see that I had issues when I was about to start menstruating but nothing ever came of it and he said to take Advil 3 days before I started to menstruate. She thought back to when she was in her early 20’s and would always be filled with rage and anger before getting her period but didn’t realize this was not a normal reaction. Even before I got a clear diagnosis she was always able to help me realize that it was my ‘PMS’ that was causing me to feel this way. We did not realize this was something other women experienced and that it was in no way PMS and it was a completely different issue causing me to feel this way. It was isolating, lonely, and frustrating not knowing exactly what was going on with my body and mind. I would go to therapy for anxiety and depression and try to track everything but we weren’t solely focusing on one mental health condition because we did not know that’s what it was. I went to the doctor multiple times to get my hormones and thyroid checked and everything always came back normal. It wasn’t until I did research on PMDD and found that no blood test will be able to tell you if you have PMDD because it is not a hormone imbalance it is a mental health condition caused by hormones.

When I found out about PMDD it only brought a small amount of relief for me because I started to think about the journey that would be ahead trying to learn how to manage it. I was in undergrad, living on my own, and working full time on top of having these symptoms. I was stuck in survival mode until I graduated recently and now I have been left with no choice but to face this. I started to experience more intense suicidal thoughts during my luteal phase and would have intense emotions where I would tell myself I was not good enough. All of the stress I had experienced throughout school and life in general finally caught up and making itself known it was there and it needed to be dealt with. PMDD causes so much emotional and physical turmoil each month that I had to accept I needed to heal from all of the trauma my body had been going through. I have been dealing with anxiety and depression since I was 14 years old and suicidal thoughts were not a new occurrence for me but this level of mental imbalance was new and I needed to learn how to manage it.

I currently am going back to therapy and I have found a lot of support through the IAPMD (International Association for PMDD and PME) Facebook page and support groups. They offer a wide range or resources and information if you are needing help with guidance. 1 in 20 people are impacted by PMDD and it is not just cis-gendered women. It’s important to stay aware that there are non-binary, gender fluid, trans, and others who don’t always identify as a cis woman but they still get a menstrual cycle. This inclusivity is important to stay aware of because it can help researchers find how this can impact specific populations too. There is help and support out there and talking more about your experience is the first step to educating not just other peers but professionals who may not be aware of this condition.

#PMDD #Anxiety #Depression #BansOffOurBodies #RoeVWade #Period #MenstrualCycle #MentalHealth

As a parent living life with PMDD, it can be diabolically hard. There's days when I cannot stand my children's voices. The sound of the innocent laughter, the shouts of 'mum' slice through me as harshly as the ear piercing sound of glass against a knife & when I'm already at the mercy of my hormones, that are so viciously attacking me in every possible way, it simply only heightens my irritability towards my own self.
I know my children depend on me for love, care, time; they rely quite solely on my existence.
I often find myself disassociating from my children during these PMDD times in order to survive. Time passes, essentials get done, but I have no recollection of the who's, how's, when's or whys.
Its scary losing any sense of time, but its even scarier that its become necessary to keep myself alive.
PMDD takes the best bits of me & leaves me broken, but it has also shown my children a side to life that they may have never gotten to experience.
They've seen real, raw emotions. They've learnt first hand about how menstruation can impact people & they know the signs to look out for in others & how to have those conversations that their friends find awkward & uncomfortable.
They aren't ashamed of my disorder & for that I'm so proud.

#PremenstrualDysphoricDisorder #PMDD #PMDDParents #ChronicIllness