Transitions Are Tough, but This Is How I Learned I Am Tougher
Chaos. Anxiety. Racing thoughts.
Transitions are one of the most challenging aspects of life. Whether it be a new relationship, a new city or a new job and career, it is nearly impossible to avoid the chaos that happens in your mind surrounding your change. I thought, for the longest time, I was immune to this chaos. I thought I was resilient and strong and developed walls so tall and wide that nothing could penetrate me. For the record, I moved 2,000 miles away from “home” with two suitcases and my backpack to a city I had never set foot in, let alone seen pictures of. I thought I could do it all.
In the past 20 months, I have seen a lot of change come through me. I have spent time on a 72-hour psychiatric hold. I have had my heart broken — no, shattered to pieces. I have had a plethora of medication changes and been unemployed for so long sometimes I forget what it is like to be a contributing member of society. I have spent more days than not holed up in my apartment, hidden from the sunlight, only stepping outside — covered from top to bottom, mind you — to walk my dogs for five minutes or go for a run to keep me somewhat sane. As we got halfway through 2019, I opened up more. I had a medication change that finally clicked and allowed me to let go of the numbness that often consumed me. I let my hair down, literally and figuratively, attending more social events and getting out there with relationships. I began to get noticed more. Someone I had my eye on, who I thought was too good for me — who wants to date broken goods, I thought – had his eye on me. We started dating. We still are dating. It’s been an incredible four months with him. While we have not defined anything in our relationship, knowing I can be loved is incredible.
In the last four months of 2019, I rekindled a relationship with my parents. I began to mend burned bridges with my family and some close friends I lost in the wake of my suicide attempt in Christmas 2018. I kept pushing through with my second master’s degree because I knew that, with faith, I would be provided the job I am meant to have. As I sit writing this, I have a week left before I sign my first major employment contract. It is for a position I have worked over a year for – a high school biology teacher. I spent nine months of 2019 applying for positions, only to be turned down time and time again. Sometimes, it was logistics. Sometimes, it was because I have a service dog. Other times, I just never heard from the district. I was defeated. I was destroyed. I felt like my higher power would never see me as whole ever again, no matter how much I worked on myself.
Time has taught me to not rush anything. In my relationships, I have learned to be patient and be in the moment. In my education, I have learned that patience, yet again, is more important than anything else. The right position will come to you at the right time. There is a plan for you, whether you are spiritual, believe in faith or a higher power, or believe in the sun and the stars; there is a plan for you.
Transitions are hard. Yet, I have learned I am tougher. I am harder to break down because pain has given me strength. Setbacks are merely setups for something greater. I was not wrong in thinking I am resilient. I just did not know how resilient I was.
Transitions are tough, but you are tougher.
Photo by Bart LaRue on Unsplash