Why Childhood Abuse Has Left Me Feeling Frozen in Time
Editor's Note
If you’ve experienced sexual abuse or assault, domestic violence or emotional abuse, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact The National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline at 1-800-656-4673.
You can contact The National Domestic Violence Hotline online by selecting “chat now” or calling 1-800-799-7233.
You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741741.
I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD) at the end of 2017, on my 25th birthday year. After discovering there are many subtypes and that I’m the “quiet” type, I basically became a “stray;” in other words, I have things in order yet nothing in order and I have no idea where I’m going. My mom is supporting me through this for a change, and the abuser is out of my life forever. I’m lucky, probably. Being diagnosed, putting a name to the issue, is barely the first step to a new life. It’s something I’m sure many can agree to. It’s terrifying at first, confusing definitely, and sometimes even so startling there is midline of a silent pause when we become so lost in the transition that our memory barely processes the obligatory therapy sessions. Then nothing happens. BPD is just there, with whatever other mental illnesses it usually hangs out with. So frustrating.
Early this year, I looked at my list of things I told myself I would do. My BPD still screams at me nonstop. My past of abuse and bullying insults me every day of my life. Some of the symptoms of complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) have leveled down to whispers, enough for me to even begin to exist as a human being and not a shackled pulp of stress and anxiety. My medications keep me psychosis-free and my serotonin where it should be. But I want to scream anyway, and I do it internally but the frustration just grows. I’m stuck. I’m stuck! Why am I stuck like this? I have things to do, things I want to do but it’s like there is something that weighs on me so heavily that I spend all day watching TV shows, reading Mangas and webtoons and finding whatever has nothing to do with what I have to do. After that, I spend some time blaming myself and self-flagellating for “being useless and unable to do anything.” It’s a vicious cycle.
Then, I had an epiphany. I still don’t have the absolute solution but at least I have the answer to the question: Why am I frozen like this?
A life of constant abuse comes with defense mechanisms. All my life, I have thought to myself:
“It will pass.”
“I just have to wait.”
“He will stop screaming eventually.”
“I will grow and leave this house.”
“Wait, just wait it out.”
“School will be over soon.”
“My bullies will stop bothering me soon.”
“Maybe I will eventually be lucky and die.”
There is the pattern. I waited and waited and waited for years. At some point, the abuse really did stop, but my brain wasn’t aware. I had constructed and nurtured years of habits that kept me safe: habits like not talking back, not snapping, not feeling, not showing emotions, not frowning or communicating, not having expectations, etc.
I’m still waiting. My mind is stuck in the past and cannot process the present correctly, as it should. This time, nothing will come from waiting if I don’t react. There is no abuse, so the habits I created, which were my best friends then, can no longer support me. This time, it’s safe to move. Now I can speak, now I can grow, now I can begin.
I wanted to share this because maybe there are some people out there who will read this and realize they’re also frozen in their abusive past. Habits are difficult to beat, especially ours, but once we are aware, we can slowly undo them. It’s alright now. We are safe now.
Photo by Mario Azzi on Unsplash