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5 Ways to Support a Loved One Recovering From Complex Trauma

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Trauma. The word means so much, maybe at times even too much. When someone hears that someone else is dealing with trauma, it’s easy to see the questions in their eyes. Anyone who grew up watching the medical dramas of the 90’s and early 2000’s will question if it’s medical issues like they watched on their TV screens as people rushed into the ER. Other people might connect the dots to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and ask about past military service. And then there are the terribly misled people that hear the word trauma and liken it to a bad day at work or having a day ruined by spilled coffee.

The bottom line is that most people do not understand the weight and destruction of trauma, especially complex trauma. If someone in your life is going through complex trauma, you have to be willing to do the work to understand what they are experiencing so you can help them. Here are five things you need to know if you want to support someone you love as they recover from complex trauma.

1. In order to help someone heal from complex trauma, first you need to understand what it is.

There are basically two types of trauma: PTSD and complex PTSD, also known as complex trauma. At this time, complex PTSD is not yet recognized by the DSM-5. Regardless of the ability to officially diagnose complex trauma or not, the treatment of it and how it affects the lives of those dealing with it can be very different than PTSD. Why is that?

PTSD comes from trauma that happened largely at one time. It could be from a car wreck, surviving a natural disaster or serving for a period of time in the military overseas. Complex PTSD comes from a wide range of abuse that happened for years and a lot of the time happened at the beginning stages of someone’s life to the point where it helped form, or actually, deform their lives. With PTSD, people had a normal life before the trauma began. They knew who they were and had formed their own lives. When it comes to complex trauma, the people healing from it often do not have a solid background or established truly healthy life to help support them as they heal. Complex trauma means that many times the people struggling with it have to rework their inner souls to remove the lies the abusers used to manipulate and hurt them.

2. Living with complex trauma is different and has to be handled differently.

People struggling with complex trauma can’t just take medicine and feel better. Drinking more water and exercising won’t heal complex trauma. Simply changing mindsets will do nothing, and will most likely prove impossible.

Complex trauma destroys your inner self before it has a chance to fully form. People who have gone through abuse at the beginning of their lives may be told they’re horrible and worthless either in words or actions and that is the basis for their formation through the rest of their lives. Many people carry shame that would topple the strongest person on earth. Yet because it’s been there since the beginning, people struggling with complex trauma do not understand that it’s there. It’s just who they believe they are and at the core, they believe they are worthless. To help someone heal from complex trauma means you need to come prepared for war, because you’re going to be fighting for them to believe they are worthy just because they breathe, when they believe they are worthless because they breathe.

3.  Safety is key for people healing from complex trauma.

Flashbacks are common when someone is going through complex trauma. That means that at any time they could be mentally, emotionally or physically transported back to a time that’s so painful they thought they were in danger of losing their lives. In order to help someone heal, you almost have to cocoon them in a layer of bubble wrap to assure their safety. They cannot heal if they do not feel safe. The key for someone dealing with a flashback or trying to talk through horrible memories to overcome them is for them to know that at that moment, they are safe. In the middle of a flashback where they are being attacked, they need to be able to remind themselves it’s just a flashback and they are safe and secure where they are right then, in the present. When a survivor doesn’t feel safe, they will stay in a hypervigilant mode that prevents them from moving forward in healing. But when a survivor knows they are extremely safe and protected, that’s when they will slowly lower the walls they have built inside to protect themselves, and they can start taking the steps to living a better life.

4. The physical side effects of complex trauma can be extreme and unexpected.

People assume that complex trauma is mental, yet research is starting to prove that trauma is stored in the body and makes people sick. The mind/body connection with trauma is important to understand if you want to help someone heal from complex trauma. Not only can complex trauma cause physical illness such as autoimmune disorders, but it can also cause full body tics, shakiness, bad digestive issues, headaches and will without a doubt cause extreme exhaustion. Complex trauma also has co-morbid disorders such as depression and high anxiety. In order to help someone heal, the entire body, not just the mental body, has to be cared for. People recovering from complex trauma may need help doing everyday duties so they can rest. Anything that might cause an ounce of stress needs to be put to the side so they can focus on healing.

5. Healing from complex trauma has a very ugly side.

There are things that happen when trying to heal from complex trauma that many people are scared to talk about because of the stigmas attached to those subjects. In order to heal from complex trauma, horrible things have to be dug up in therapy and walked through again. The pain and level of discomfort are extreme. There is a time of healing when the world will seem dark and hopeless to the survivor. During that time, many people will struggle with cutting, other harmful behaviors and suicidal thoughts. Many survivors also lose their faith or religious beliefs during this time, which only adds to the turmoil that they are going through and fuels the hopelessness.

Walking alongside someone who is trying to recover from complex trauma might mean that you will see the cuts on their arms or get the texts saying they do not want to live any longer. It’s a very scary place for all who are involved. I believe that anyone who wants to help someone heal from complex trauma needs to be in therapy for themselves to make sure they are healthy and able to keep supporting someone who is in a very fragile place. If you commit to walking with a survivor through healing from complex trauma, you need to stay the course. Leaving during their journey because it’s scary or you don’t have time for it will only send the message to them they are not worth the help. Know in advance that this will be an extreme battle. Take care of yourself so you can help take care of them.

Complex trauma is horrible. The level of destruction it causes can truly only be known to the survivors fighting through it. Walking with someone you love as they go through complex trauma will be extremely hard, but it will send a message to them that they matter. For many, it might be the first time they ever really believe that message.

In order to help someone heal from trauma, you have to understand it. Study more about complex trauma and learn all that you can about it, so the person you are helping recover knows they are not alone.

Getty image by VectorStory

Originally published: February 9, 2021
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