My heart heals and breaks all the time when I think of you. I don't cry for you every day like I did, but some weeks are better than others. Some times I think about you a lot. Other times it's through little passing moments and I can move forward. Your brother wishes for a sibling and I'm sorry I couldn't give him one then or now, but one day I believe I will. Whether they are blood related or not will not matter to me or him I am certain.
Yesterday we spent time with friends and their 3 girls. Seeing him play with them brings joy to my heart and I hope they will always be close. Their youngest girl I feel a close bond with. Yesterday my heart was warm. At one moment though my heart cracked when she looked at me and said "Mom! Mom!" which made me wonder what if I had kept my child? What if my child had been a girl? Is this what it would have been like? She clung to me for a lot of the day. When her mom had stepped away and she was crying and tired her dad offered to hold, but she pulled away from his outreach and put herself against me. I held her, I rocked her, I rubbed her back, I pushed her hair out of her eyes. I wanted to bottle the feelings I had to keep. I tried not to cry. I miss when my child was younger. I wish I hadn't suffered from PPD and anxiety for the first year of his life. I wish it hadn't made my regular depression and anxiety worse after that. I'll always cherish these moments though.