#Depression #hurt #alwayslefttostrugglealone

While I can easily make that statement. I’m still stuck in figuring what to do about them and I have no clue where to start. What steps I can take in dealing with managing them.

I think part of what’s making me frustrated to the point of anger is the implicit and explicit expectations put on me from those around me that because of my age and the way I can “intellectually” express myself I should have no problem learning how to figure out what to do about my emotions on my own.

Although for me as soon as emotions are involved everything becomes so convoluted and confusing that I easily become extremely overwhelmed. Yesterday I thought of an anology that can maybe help me express why I struggle so much.

I suffer from #CPTSD #Childhoodemotionalneglect #earlydevelopmentaltrauma . See my analytical mind is at work even now. Needing to use all the specific professional terms I’ve come across in explaining my screwed up mind/life.

Anyway the analogy that kind of explains my current state is if my life was like the process in figuring out a math equation. There are times my mind is really quick in coming up with answers to an equations but have no clue in explaining the steps involved in coming up with that answer. At other times I would not have a clue as where to start in coming with the “right” answer.

So it didn’t help that I didn’t have teachers or parents with the patience and time to help me. I was continually challenged and or ridiculed as to why I couldn’t figure the steps (that they neglected to show me) to start in figuring out the problem. Or that it wasn’t good enough to have the right answers if I couldn’t explain exactly how I came up with it.

Of course I was made to feel like somehow it was my fault I didn’t understand the equation process. As a child who was I to point out that it wasn’t my fault, that no one had shown me “all” the steps or that I didn’t have a learning that allowed me to “just figure it all out on my own”. So I struggled math was one of my worst subjects. I learned enough to barely pass but deep down maintained the core belief I was stupid. This transferred to all areas of my life.

Today I can transfer this same analogy/experience to learning, identifying, understanding and expressing my emotions. I never learned because I was nerver taught any steps in figuring out my feelings. I became so emotionally disconnected and suffer in so many ways I can’t begin to figure out what’s steps I need to solve this problem.

I don’t have a clue and I’m completely on my own trying to figure out each step. If I even felt safe enough to ask questions of those in my life I will only get impatience that I’m wasting their time asking about something I’m expected to already know the steps to especially if they think I already have the answer. They won’t take the time to recognize its not the adult asking but that young child that was never taught even the most basic first step to ta