earlydevelopmentaltrauma

I finally found a program that connects to all that I have been dealing with all my life. I do do mean literally all my life even before as was born.

Adult Children Anonymous (ACA). Being an adult child of an emotionally dysfunctional family of origin is by no means is something that very few people experience. It is actually probably even more common then what get reported. Pretty much anyone has experienced some kind of dysfunction in their lives.

Until recently, the last 6 years, have I come to understand and gain validation that my childhood trauma has so negatively affected my life. Oh I do not have many common horrific horror stories to tell. This is why for the majority of my life I truly was conditioned and was gaslighted to believe I had nothing to complain about.

This belief was reinforced by family, friends and even many mental health professionals. Since I could not articulate how I did suffer in my early childhood, teen years and early adulthood I just suffered alone. Even after having a couple breakdowns in my 30’s and 40’s left me completely confused.

Doing my own research and coming across #earlydevelopmentaltrauma only helped somewhat. I then finally figured out it was now known as #CPTSD but I could also relate to #HSP . Then last fall I came across #ACA and this encompassed everything I struggled with. I could relate to 14 traits relating to an adult child of dysfunction.

While validating I’m now on another major emotional rollercoaster. I now understand why I have become an isolated hermit. COVID only highlighted why I do seem to prefer to stay in my rabbit hole even though deep down I crave connection. I’m too afraid to trust anyone to actually be there for me and it all stems back to the fact that I grew up in a household that I was invisible and worthless.

This awareness does not seem to help me actually achieve a different outcome. In the ACA program me saying this means I still believe I’m a victim and not willing to change my circumstances. But I do. I just can’t seem to hold on to the faith that I will ever experience an honest authentic and meaningful connection with anyone. I really do not know how to achieve that since I have never experienced it in my 52 years of life. How pathetic is that? How do I fill that fundamental hole in my soul?

#Depression #hurt #alwayslefttostrugglealone

While I can easily make that statement. I’m still stuck in figuring what to do about them and I have no clue where to start. What steps I can take in dealing with managing them.

I think part of what’s making me frustrated to the point of anger is the implicit and explicit expectations put on me from those around me that because of my age and the way I can “intellectually” express myself I should have no problem learning how to figure out what to do about my emotions on my own.

Although for me as soon as emotions are involved everything becomes so convoluted and confusing that I easily become extremely overwhelmed. Yesterday I thought of an anology that can maybe help me express why I struggle so much.

I suffer from #CPTSD #Childhoodemotionalneglect #earlydevelopmentaltrauma . See my analytical mind is at work even now. Needing to use all the specific professional terms I’ve come across in explaining my screwed up mind/life.

Anyway the analogy that kind of explains my current state is if my life was like the process in figuring out a math equation. There are times my mind is really quick in coming up with answers to an equations but have no clue in explaining the steps involved in coming up with that answer. At other times I would not have a clue as where to start in coming with the “right” answer.

So it didn’t help that I didn’t have teachers or parents with the patience and time to help me. I was continually challenged and or ridiculed as to why I couldn’t figure the steps (that they neglected to show me) to start in figuring out the problem. Or that it wasn’t good enough to have the right answers if I couldn’t explain exactly how I came up with it.

Of course I was made to feel like somehow it was my fault I didn’t understand the equation process. As a child who was I to point out that it wasn’t my fault, that no one had shown me “all” the steps or that I didn’t have a learning that allowed me to “just figure it all out on my own”. So I struggled math was one of my worst subjects. I learned enough to barely pass but deep down maintained the core belief I was stupid. This transferred to all areas of my life.

Today I can transfer this same analogy/experience to learning, identifying, understanding and expressing my emotions. I never learned because I was nerver taught any steps in figuring out my feelings. I became so emotionally disconnected and suffer in so many ways I can’t begin to figure out what’s steps I need to solve this problem.

I don’t have a clue and I’m completely on my own trying to figure out each step. If I even felt safe enough to ask questions of those in my life I will only get impatience that I’m wasting their time asking about something I’m expected to already know the steps to especially if they think I already have the answer. They won’t take the time to recognize its not the adult asking but that young child that was never taught even the most basic first step to ta

Even with the right answers I still feel so lost and alone! #Depression #Anxiety

I’m really feeling extremely frustrated and hurt these days.

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