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When Anxiety Consumes You Completely

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Editor's Note

If you experience suicidal thoughts, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741741.

I feel like I’m sitting on the edge of a cliff. Constantly on the brink, just waiting to fall. Figuratively, below me is death, and behind me someone has a gun to my head. I can’t move, I’m frozen.

If I close my eyes and breathe — just breathe — maybe it will disappear. If only for a second. But as soon as I open them, I’m back on that edge, and the anxiety comes rushing back. The panic, the racing thoughts, the knot in my chest that won’t leave. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I’m just stuck in this eternal hell.

And I know what to do when my anxiety gets worse. I even know what’s causing it. The flashbacks, the trauma, my mind has decided to unblock. I didn’t get a choice, I don’t choose to live like this. In fact I try everything to try make it better.

Meditate. Ground myself. Breathe. Allow myself to feel. It’s OK to feel, even if I fucking hate it. I just want this feeling to go away. But breathe. Allow it to be. It will pass, maybe not now, maybe not soon, but eventually it will pass. I keep reminding myself it’s OK, that I can get through this. I have before and I will now. But none of that makes it any easier. 

Anxiety this intense is all-consuming. It freezes my life, and takes over. I don’t feel like I have any control. I know what to do, I know how to survive, but doing this alone is hard. More than anything I need support. I kind hand, a listening ear or someone just to sit with me as I want to scream in fear. So if someone you know or love has anxiety, understand they are doing the best they can and a little support goes a long way. And if you struggle with all-consuming anxiety, be still and know you will be OK, maybe not now, but eventually it will pass and you will be able to breathe freely again.

Photo via Unsplash

Originally published: August 26, 2018
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