Autism Uncensored

Today is one of the worst days I’ve had in a while, and I don’t fully understand why. For anyone who thinks ASD persons don’t show emotion—I’ve been crying in my car for 30 mins.

I returned to work this week after a six-week medical leave for a back injury. Within the first day I had my usual responsibilities augmented by 30% or more, and more was piled on throughout the week.

I usually handle work stress okay, thanks to having a great boss and depression & anti-anxiety medication, but yesterday I felt like I hit a wall.

I couldn’t verbalize what was wrong to my boss or my husband, and didn’t know at the time that I was struggling to be verbal at all.

For the past 24 hours I’ve thought frantically of how I’m supposed to explain to my boss why this week was problematic (she knows I have ASD but doesn’t know enough about it to see when it’s affecting me).

I was handed a project yesterday that had to be completed today, and the information was incredibly fragmented and disorganized.

I often get feedback about my perfectionism slowing me down, but I couldn’t even take in and synthesize this info until I got it partially sorted.

It culminated today when I had to move a doctor appointment up to 8:30 this morning, and had to follow a to-the-minute schedule to get the critical tasks done.

My boss is remote and can’t help, and was feeling poorly herself today.

I got done just in time, and got in my car and just started weeping. I can’t seem to stop, and I don’t know why I’m this emotional, or why yesterday and today were so hard.

I know my boss thrives a bit on chaos, and that I’m the opposite. But why couldn’t I seem to effectively communicate that what they wanted wasn’t a reasonable expectation? High performance is expected here, and I usually over-achieve, but I couldn’t seem to get through to anyone that it’s not reasonable for one person to communicate with 40 people in 2 hours, sort, allocate, tag, pack, drive, and ship that many items in the same time frame. And after a back injury I’m not even supposed to lift above ten pounds, but I couldn’t seem to explain that forty items was more than I could safely move by myself in such a short time.

I’m pretty frustrated right now, and not sure what to do.

I think I’m realizing the extent to which neurotypical people can’t understand. The things they can do without thinking, and not worry about, are cast compared to someone on the spectrum like me.

I’m so, so tired.

Today I got ambushed at work by both my admins through email. I am working remotely- one of the only 2 at my site. As I tried to fix the problem being addressed I was also trying to teach on camera and get to the bottom of the miscommunication. For the first time ever I asked for an accommodation (autism) for more time to implement what they wanted and I got scolded via email. When I reviewed all emails with a coworker and talked about the situation at length with them they confirmed that I was not in error in the original situation (admin error) and that I got reamed after asking for an accommodation. It was very difficult to ask for the accommodation in the first place and to have this happen is disheartening. Now I get to file a grievance- and I absolutely hate conflict. I can advocate easily for my kids but absolutely hate bringing extra attention on myself. At least I didn’t cry or have a meltdown on camera. But I’ve been doing nothing but cry since finishing my work.

I'm starting to look for residential placement for my 12 yr old #Nonverbal son with severe autism. The constant violent aggression, property destruction ,and lack of help leave me no other choice. He is one of 4 of us. Nolan requires constant supervision, which leaves no time to care for my other 2 special needs kids or myself. This is no choice any parent should have to make. There is no relief, no hope in sight, no treatment or therapy we haven't tried 700 times.

Soooo I have a son that’s been diagnosed with Autism and ADHD.. with that being said lately I have been thinking about his future ALOT. More so the what if’s.. or will he ever.. my little (big) boy is a a lot slower (learning and adapting) than ‘Typical’ children. I now see how he will be 7 this May and he is more like a 3 year old. For some reason this year him turning 7 has been a hard one for me. I’m all about every child is different and it’s great but I think as I’m seeing my boy grow and physically not look like such a little boy anymore it also makes me nervous! Anyone looking in would see a handsome boy but looking closer or listening closer you would see/hear a handsome boy with disabilities. Which then leads me to have the thoughts of.. will he ever be able to balance a check book, will he ever live on his own, will he ever have a girlfriend, will he ever be able to drive, will he ever be able to go into a crowed place and not scream??? All these questions go through my mind as he is getting older because I am getting older. What if Dad or I pass.. who takes care of him? Will he be alone?? That is the scariest feeling I have! I never want him to feel alone, I always think about the rough times he will go through as a teen with autism and the mean kids in the world that just don’t know that everyone is different and it literally scares me! Just another day of thoughts that swarm my brain about a different but amazing little boy I am proud to call my son!!!!
#Autism #AutismUncensored #AutismAwarenessMonth #Autistic #AutismAdvocacy #AutismMeltdowns