Bipolar 1 Disorder

This woman is important. I need her to like me. I need her to buy these ridiculously expensive products that I don’t give a shit about.

I haven’t slept in days so when she orders a cappuccino I take a double espresso. The Lorazepam did nothing to slow my heart, ease my sweating, stop my trembling hands. So how am I going to drink it anyway?

Getting in the metro I could only think of the impending crash, the fire, the screams. I was terrifying myself with scenes I couldn’t shut off. And still, against my will I boarded my perceived coffin.

By the time I reach the cafe, I’m hanging on by a thread.

“Ingrid,” I say
Her face tightens.
“Oh, sorry. I was just speaking with an Ingrid a minute ago”
My apology sounds weak even to me.

This woman is smart and in control. She’s attractive in the way that comes from discipline, money, and long days. Her long blonde hair softening the signs of age, flowing around her oval face and dropping gently on her shoulders. You don’t get this far overnight. She could have me for breakfast, or this lunch I’m paying for.

I try to remember the proposal, but the situation is slipping away from me fast. Why didn’t I check her LinkedIn, why didn’t I Google the company? At least get some background. Now I’m sitting here spewing numbers that I neither understand nor hear myself saying.

She’s asking questions she knows the answers to. I nod, but I’m no longer listening.
Just over her shoulder I see it.
And I know I shouldn’t be seeing it.

A tree stump is crawling across the road on its dry, raw roots. Its roots move like an octopus pushing and dragging its body over the road. It’s as tall as a man, not an octopus, and with it’s head, not it’s legs, chopped off. And yet I feel it looking at me from that empty space above the dead brown wood.
A pedestrian steps over it. A bike rides across a thin root tip.

No reaction.
They can’t see it.
But it’s there.
Just for me.

Our lunch arrives, breaking the silence I wasn’t listening to.

We eat like two civilized business women, the small talk mechanical, automatic. As soon as words leave my lips I’ve forgotten them. I laugh appropriately at her quip and then forget what she said.
I avoid looking at the street but one quick glance.

Gone.
Good.

I leave her with the proposal I’m sure now she’ll never sign. I obsess and ruminate and sweat and shake; get lost and finally have a beer in my hand in the safety of my home.

What the pills won’t do the alcohol will.
#Addiction #Bipolar1 #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety

This woman is important. I need her to like me. I need her to buy these ridiculously expensive products that I don’t give a shit about.

I haven’t slept in days so when she orders a cappuccino I take a double espresso. The Lorazepam did nothing to slow my heart, ease my sweating, stop my trembling hands. So how am I going to drink it anyway?

Getting in the metro I could only think of the impending crash, the fire, the screams. I was terrifying myself with scenes I couldn’t shut off. And still, against my will I boarded my perceived coffin.

By the time I reach the cafe, I’m hanging on by a thread.

“Ingrid,” I say
Her face tightens.
“Oh, sorry. I was just speaking with an Ingrid a minute ago”
My apology sounds weak even to me.

This woman is smart and in control. She’s attractive in the way that comes from discipline, money, and long days. Her long blonde hair softening the signs of age, flowing around her oval face and dropping gently on her shoulders. You don’t get this far overnight. She could have me for breakfast, or this lunch I’m paying for.

I try to remember the proposal, but the situation is slipping away from me fast. Why didn’t I check her LinkedIn, why didn’t I Google the company? At least get some background. Now I’m sitting here spewing numbers that I neither understand nor hear myself saying.

She’s asking questions she knows the answers to. I nod, but I’m no longer listening.
Just over her shoulder I see it.
And I know I shouldn’t be seeing it.

A tree stump is crawling across the road on its dry, raw roots. Its roots move like an octopus pushing and dragging its body over the road. It’s as tall as a man, not an octopus, and with it’s head, not it’s legs, chopped off. And yet I feel it looking at me from that empty space above the dead brown wood.
A pedestrian steps over it. A bike rides across a thin root tip.

No reaction.
They can’t see it.
But it’s there.
Just for me.

Our lunch arrives, breaking the silence I wasn’t listening to.

We eat like two civilized business women, the small talk mechanical, automatic. As soon as words leave my lips I’ve forgotten them. I laugh appropriately at her quip and then forget what she said.
I avoid looking at the street but one quick glance.

Gone.
Good.

I leave her with the proposal I’m sure now she’ll never sign. I obsess and ruminate and sweat and shake; get lost and finally have a beer in my hand in the safety of my home.

What the pills won’t do the alcohol will.
#Addiction #Bipolar1 #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety

*foot note at the bottom

There is a DAM wall that exists in my mind.

It keeps cracking. I can feel I am in danger, trying desperately to calculate how much time I have before it gives away.

I am never quick enough.

How could I be so foolish to attempt rescue?

Crying, defeated, unable to seek help from another's hand, I watch as the water burst through its structure.

There is no way out.

There is no one around, why is there no one ever around?

Or maybe I am the only one that can hear the horrific panic in my voice as I scream for help.

I am the only witness to my own drowning.

I am paralyzed.

Unable to speak, unable to think, I watch as the water level rises;

Until I am no longer in sight.

*Foot note: No. Presently, I am not a danger to myself. I do not want to harm myself in any way. I merely wanted to share what my experience is like in the darkest depths of my Bipolar Depression. This community is filled with such a genuine love and individuals who always recognize their shared humanity with each other. I wanted to share my honest humanity with all of you ❤️
#Bipolar1 #BipolarDisorder #BipolarDepression #MentalHealth #Depression

*foot note at the bottom

There is a DAM wall that exists in my mind.

It keeps cracking. I can feel I am in danger, trying desperately to calculate how much time I have before it gives away.

I am never quick enough.

How could I be so foolish to attempt rescue?

Crying, defeated, unable to seek help from another's hand, I watch as the water burst through its structure.

There is no way out.

There is no one around, why is there no one ever around?

Or maybe I am the only one that can hear the horrific panic in my voice as I scream for help.

I am the only witness to my own drowning.

I am paralyzed.

Unable to speak, unable to think, I watch as the water level rises;

Until I am no longer in sight.

*Foot note: No. Presently, I am not a danger to myself. I do not want to harm myself in any way. I merely wanted to share what my experience is like in the darkest depths of my Bipolar Depression. This community is filled with such a genuine love and individuals who always recognize their shared humanity with each other. I wanted to share my honest humanity with all of you ❤️
#Bipolar1 #BipolarDisorder #BipolarDepression #MentalHealth #Depression

Yesterday was a shit day. But I didn’t have to visit the deepest, darkest corners of my despair.

Today, I can acknowledge every courageous, hesitant little shift I made. Every terrified, unsafe little step I took. Every time I dared to give in to a spark of hope.

I’m so grateful that we are not alone in this! Thank you for letting me share.

Yesterday was a shit day. But I didn’t have to visit the deepest, darkest corners of my despair.

Today, I can acknowledge every courageous, hesitant little shift I made. Every terrified, unsafe little step I took. Every time I dared to give in to a spark of hope.

I’m so grateful that we are not alone in this! Thank you for letting me share.

I’m riding the struggle bus today. Hell, I’m not just riding it, I’m driving it. I’m not sure what’s going on. I've been having a difficult time regulating my emotions this past week. It seems like one moment I’m okay and the next I’m crying. I’m exhausted. I’m sleeping more than normal. Some days, I can hardly stay awake. But despite how tired I am, when I am awake I’m talking a lot about various different things and my speech is faster than normal. I’m having episodes of intense anger that I’m struggling to hold back on.  I hate to think that I’m starting to have mixed episodes. I don’t want to go down that road again. Especially now when things are starting to finally fall in place. I work as needed at a crisis center as peer support and should hear back this week on whether or not I got the full time day position and I can’ t afford to lose my stability. Not right now. Not when things are so good. It scares me. The not knowing. I’m constantly trying to hold back my tears. I can’t let work see my weaknesses or else they may not give me the day position. I can’t let them think that I am not ready for this step. I don’t want to go back to living in the unknown. I like where I am right now. I like the feeling of stability. It makes me feel like I am a little more human, a little more normal. Like I’m not constantly riding the ups and downs of this bipolar roller coaster. I struggle knowing what the cause of my emotional dysregulation is. Is it just the cycle or is there something much deeper and darker at play?
#Bipolar1 #MentalHealth #Anxiety #PTSD #Depression #Manic

I’m riding the struggle bus today. Hell, I’m not just riding it, I’m driving it. I’m not sure what’s going on. I've been having a difficult time regulating my emotions this past week. It seems like one moment I’m okay and the next I’m crying. I’m exhausted. I’m sleeping more than normal. Some days, I can hardly stay awake. But despite how tired I am, when I am awake I’m talking a lot about various different things and my speech is faster than normal. I’m having episodes of intense anger that I’m struggling to hold back on.  I hate to think that I’m starting to have mixed episodes. I don’t want to go down that road again. Especially now when things are starting to finally fall in place. I work as needed at a crisis center as peer support and should hear back this week on whether or not I got the full time day position and I can’ t afford to lose my stability. Not right now. Not when things are so good. It scares me. The not knowing. I’m constantly trying to hold back my tears. I can’t let work see my weaknesses or else they may not give me the day position. I can’t let them think that I am not ready for this step. I don’t want to go back to living in the unknown. I like where I am right now. I like the feeling of stability. It makes me feel like I am a little more human, a little more normal. Like I’m not constantly riding the ups and downs of this bipolar roller coaster. I struggle knowing what the cause of my emotional dysregulation is. Is it just the cycle or is there something much deeper and darker at play?
#Bipolar1 #MentalHealth #Anxiety #PTSD #Depression #Manic