Mania

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Have you ever felt manic and sad?

I feel really goofy this week but I also want to kill myself. I don't need to be talked out of suicide because it would be messy for others, I'm just curious if anybody else out there has felt unsure of if they're so happy they can disregard others opinions of them and be as gleefully weird as they want while also feeling so depressed they want to die?

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Bipolar Disorder Explained: My Story Laided Bare #BipolarIIDisorder #Bipolar1 #BipolarDisorder #BipolarDepression #MentalHealth

Firstly, if you have read this before then I apologise for the repeated post. Secondly, this post is a very graphic and honest depiction of what Bipolar Disorder is to me. I guess some of you might relate where others don’t but as a collective I think that we all share some common ground about how much we are impacted by this situation.

Thank you in advance for taking the time to read this post and feel free to comment below if you feel comfortable to do so. Love and best wishes, Stuart 🤗

So, if you are reading this and you suffer from Bipolar Disorder you may be able to understand. Please don’t think I’m being condescending but if you don’t then you’ll possibly have to take 5 minutes to get your head around it. However, I’m just going to write about what it is like for me, and this will be different for everyone but it’s still relatable.

I take three different medications each day. An antidepressant, an antipsychotic and a mood stabiliser. Fluoxetine (Prozac) is my antidepressant, Olazapine is my antipsychotic, these two work well together, and then I have Lithium to stabilise my mood. So the Chemistry behind this is that I take one to stop me dropping into the deep depression and one to stop me going to the highest echelons of mania and then one of them secures my mood In the spectrum of 4-7 or so of my mood. To explain what it is I mean, Bipolar has a scale. Imagine 0-10 with 0 being the deepest depression and 10 being the highest high. These extremes are uncomfortable, uncontrollable and impossible to find anyway to live productively with. The medication enables me to get mood-shifts that don’t dip below a 4 or go higher than a 7. Don’t get me wrong, the mood shifts are still different than the norm and they have an impact on the way that you can live. However though, the mood shifts are really difficult to manage.

I have questions. A multitude of questions in fact. I have had a period of self harm (be aware that there’s a picture of my scars below this paragraph). I’m a Catholic, I told my Health Professionals that I understood from a community for Mental Health called the Mighty, that self harm could be attributed to the fact that the Devil gets into you via your weakest side. I’m right handed, yet I cut my right forearm with my left hand. Please let me know what you think?

I don’t have any routine. I get some semblance of one for about a week or less then I’m back to square one again. Firstly, sleep. I have a great deal of trouble getting off to sleep. I take Olazapine at night so you would think it would help. Also I’m coming off Lorazepam slowly as I’ve got a dependence but I’m thinking that it isn’t working as normal due to me being on it for three years on and off. I have stages though. Thursday just gone for example I felt really tired all day. I was up at 7am and went to the shop to get my parents their newspapers and bits they needed from the supermarket. I got back and went back to bed to watch TV, and I woke up at 7am this morning. That’s nearly 48 hours or so of sleep. I’m going to be honest, I felt horrendous when I woke up today.

The above picture may seem lighthearted to some but it’s not at all. I’m well aware that you have to adapt your demeanour to suit certain situational and then interacting with people. But also, you are managing the different personalities of yourself that you have when you’re in your own company.
Sometimes I find myself having a full blown conversation with myself that is one version of myself talking to another version of myself. “Please don’t do that again, I have to sort it out!?!”. It’d be nice to have an understanding about the situation from people that being in a situation where you have a conversation with yourself isn’t the crazy person’s action or something like that that is classed as weird, but it’s just something that makes me who I am.
Furthermore, I have multiple conversations with myself in my own head that happen every time I’m in the company of others but I don’t share these. I’m just hoping that you realise how it is the same as you do, it’s my imagination that’s just a little bit more prominent in my head than yours.

I’ve had people brand me as a nutter, weird, fucked in the head, not right etc etc and the best one – “it’s because of the Cocaine”

I’m the first to admit I absolutely love Cocaine. I have used it chronically from about the age of 20 until I my late 30s. I never had a feeling of being myself or completely comfortable from anything else. I have social anxiety too, I didn’t know this at Uni but when I was there I needed a pint of beer to relax. One to two to three to four then that wasn’t working for me. However, university is awash with anything you want. I tried Weed, Speed, Ecstasy and Cocaine. Cocaine worked for me. I worked out in my own experiment what it’s critical point was (the amount that it’s the most potent before becoming abused). It levels me out. Look it up, it’s an SNDRI, type that into Google and see on Wikipedia the chemistry of what it does.

Regards my medication. I have to take them every day. Does this make me an addict?
You fall and break your arm and the doctor puts it in a cast to make it as close to what it was as you can do. I go to the doctor and I’m given pills that make me into someone who looks like me, but in reality, it’s not me.
#MentalHealth #MightyTogether #MoodDisorders

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I need you to tell me it will be okay. #CheckInWithMe

I'm going on my 5th day of mania and my 3rd day of a crash. I'm exhausted. And I'm frustrated that there isn't a good treatment. Part of my mind is racing, keeping me awake, while the other part is so worn out from fatigue and PEM. I'm angry at my parents for reproducing together when each of them has a handful of genetic disorders on their own. I got them all and I can't keep up. My body is restless but I don't have the energy to actually do anything productive, just squirm around in bed wishing I could be doing more. I wish I had the skills to make and keep friends so I would have someone to talk to when I feel like this. It feels like it will never end! I just want my life back. I want to be a productive member of society. I want to be out of this effing bed!
#BipolarDisorder #MyalgicEncephalomyelitis #ChronicFatigue #Fibromyalgia #AutismSpectrumDisorder #SuckyGenes #Insomnia

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Crash & go

I'm experiencing a big mania but at the same time, I'm crashing with me/cfs. It feels like when you stay up for 36 hours straight and you're bone tired but you're on your 6th cup of coffee in the past 2 hours. No matter how I try, I am simply not able to rest. When I lay down, my mind and body are restless. When I get up to act on those impulses, my body screams in pain and exhaustion. I know I need to rest, but I'm just not sure how to do it right now.

Any suggestions from those who deal with one or both issues?

#Bipolar2 #ChronicFatigue #MyalgicEncephalomyelitis

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A perspective on psychiatric medication

Reading the posts here on The Mighty, I notice that many of us dislike being dependent on psychiatric medication. The response from others is often equating it with medicine for physical issues. For example, people point out that there’s no difference between taking psych meds and, say, being medicated with insulin for diabetes. This is definitely a strong point, and there’s a lot of truth to it. But it doesn’t quite capture the complexity of reactions when the medication treats mental illness. With psych meds, there’s a fear of losing the “self.” Who am I without my mania? Sure, I do dumb and even dangerous things, but it’s also what makes me unique, right? I get deeply depressed, but that means I’m more in touch with the reality that the world is a terrible place- isn’t that the truth? I get so anxious I’m paralyzed, but I’m avoiding real danger. Isn’t that how we sometimes think? I did not have the right combination of meds until a few years ago. Contrary to the
thoughts I just expressed, I actually feel more “me” than ever. I am still creative, concerned, and cautious. I’ve learned so much from the confusion, torment and darkness of my mental illness, as well as the wild and fun side. The best way I can explain it is that I feel a huge sense of harmony and belonging I never had, and my personality has actually blossomed without the layers of suffering and losing control. However, it’s important to acknowledge that some meds cause unwanted side effects, and that it can be a long, frustrating process to find the right solution. Having to depend on medication is difficult because no one wants pills to control their lives. But I am so, so grateful for meds, and ok with taking them forever. You don’t have to worry about losing your “self.” It’s there, waiting for you to enjoy and celebrate it.

#Bipolar #Depression #GAD #OCD #PTSD

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Bipolar, psychosis, recovery and faith

I was diagnosed with bipolar aged 25. I was diagnosed just before what would be a two year stint of psychosis and mania that would see me get sectioned four times. This only confirmed the diagnosis to me and those looking after me. Although it was a chaotic time and I wouldn’t want to go back, it allowed me to access therapies and medications that I may not have been able to access had I not been so poorly. It shouldn’t take you being at your worst to get the help you need, but that is the world we live in and even sometimes when you are at your worst you still don’t get heard. I am forever grateful I had my family and particularly my Mam looking after me. She was my voice when I could not speak and although I was very unhappy about even just her presence when I was in hospital, I think that was more a sign of how unwell I was more than anything. I really was glad for her constant visits.

I was not sane of mind. I was hearing voices and those voices were saying I had to leave the hospital and go to Saudi Arabia. I was telling the doctors, “I’m not going home with my Mam. I have to go to Saudi.” I believed I would be safe there from the people who wanted to harm me. I had changed my name and forged a new signature. Sometimes, when I tell people about it now they can’t believe it because I seem so well. And I am in a good place really. I’m a million miles away from where I was back then. If I could take a pill to assure I never go back there I would, but I can’t so instead I take an antipsychotic in the hopes it will do the same.

The thing is, antipsychotics aren’t magic. They can’t assure you will never get sectioned again. They are actually very risky drug to take long term. I have many side effects from taking them at such high doses. Those that I will live with for the rest of my life. Do I still have bad days? Of course. Do I still have bad thoughts? Well, yes. I’ve spent four months of my life hospitalised. It’s bound to affect me. But I’ll do my damndest to make sure I never go back. And if taking an antipsychotic each day makes that difference then I’ll do it.

I know many people with bipolar hate taking medication, for various reasons, but I have seen it for myself; these people unfortunately tend to end up back in hospital. I don’t want to live my life this way. Going in and out of hospital changes you, you lose friends and family, you lose yourself, you hurt people, you hurt yourself. It's not a smooth process. It’s not an easy life to lead. You have to readjust to society. In some ways hospital can be a comfort blanket. You get medication that you might not get in the community, you get fed and watered but that’s it. You can’t stay there forever and you will always have to face the consequences when you come out.

When I came out of hospital the last time that was when the real work started. I was about five stone heavier than when I first went into hospital eighteen months earlier. The antipsychotics had increased my appetite big style and I was being injected with them by force at the highest dose. I had no control over my weight and it was affecting my self esteem. I already had an eating disorder so this was really difficult for me in particular.

On top of this, I had the sudden realisation that the past two years of my life were based on a lie. That I had been telling everyone around me they were making things up and were in the wrong but in fact it was me. It was gut wrenching. How could it be? I genuinely believed my neighbours were stalking me. Stealing money from me. That’s just the start of it. I could write a book, a dissertation on all of the things I believed that weren’t true. They were so intricate and detailed. I can’t fathom how my brain would or could make those things up. Why would my mind work against me like that, I don’t know.

Even to this day, I can get emotional about it. My bipolar has been in my life since I was a teen. My bipolar has led me to multiple suicide attempts. My bipolar has caused me to steal, lie and cheat. My bipolar has lost me friends. My bipolar has left me homeless. My bipolar has lost me two years of my life. My bipolar has seen me hospitalised.

The list goes on. But despite all this, I keep going. Life goes on and I shake it off and keep moving.

If you have bipolar, psychosis or another severe mental health condition and are having a hard time. Know that you can keep going. Life will throw stuff at you. Sometimes it will be horrible. But we’ve just got to keep going. Keep on, keeping on if you can. Too many of us couldn’t.

When you’re experiencing psychosis, your memories feel so raw. You relive every moment of your life but at a million miles an hour and then wonder why those around you aren’t doing the same. Then you get locked up and then there is nothing left to do but think about all those moments that become memories that will soon become dots because you will either become too ill to function or those who you used to socialise with and call friends or even family won’t want to anymore because they’ve seen you at your worst and they aren’t here for it.

People say they support mental health and people should talk more until it lands on their own doorstep. I’m not saying they are right or wrong. It’s hard to deal with, but at least they weren’t living with it like my family had to. At least they could walk away. And I bear no grudges. I understand. I’ve got friends in the system now and it can be challenging talking to them when they don’t know what’s what. It is a really sad time because at times it feels like they will never get better, but you have to have hope. You have to have faith in people. If you don’t have that then what do we really have left at all?

#Bipolar #Psychosis #BipolarDisorder #Recovery #MentalHealth #sectioned #hospitalised #Faith

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Three panic attacks in one day

I’ve had three panic attacks. All from the same trigger. My mom and the fact she has the car I use and pay the insurance on and pay for 90% of repairs on and put gas in the tank. She won’t give me the number to the mechanic she says she doesn’t need to. Won’t tell me the name of the mechanic working on said car. I tried 6 different mechanics around their area where I think they live. She lives with her boyfriend who won’t let me know where they live. None of the 6 mechanics had the car. I reached my breaking point today I destroyed a piece of wood and the panic attacks were triggered because I tried calling her to see if they had heard anything they kept telling me they could be calling right then and there at that very second and that I was holding up the line and the fact that I had to tell my work that I couldn’t come in and I have a very irrational fear of getting fired. I told her she must hate me for her to treat me the way she does. That’s how I feel right now. She told me that if I hate her it’s my problem not hers. I don’t hate her I’m angry and frustrated at her and I’m just coming off a long hypo manic episode. Don’t know what to do now I’m just tired and have a migraine

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I don’t know how much longer I can take 😔

For years I’ve felt insecure about my physical appearance never liking the way I look. I found out why I feel this way… I have BPD. When I see other people either in public or on social media I always compare myself. I start thinking to myself - “I’m so fat and ugly, why cant I be skinny and pretty like her” And I start to feel even more depressed than I already am. My biggest insecurities are my double chin and big belly.
I have negative self talk and no matter how many people tell me I look fine I can never feel that way. The only time I feel good about myself is when I’m having a manic episode then I eventually crash and start feeling bad about myself again… also when I wear a good amount of makeup or use filters. I don’t know if/ when I’ll get over these extreme body image issues & insecurities.

Not to mention I’m not sleeping well cuz I’m having withdrawals from an antidepressant I’ve been on for a while. I’m staying up late night and crying til I fall asleep. I’m having a hard time functioning on a daily basis. Worse isomnia, frequent manic episodes, crying more, emotional numbness, more depressed and anxious, restless, racing thoughts/ suicidal thoughts,

#Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Bipolar1

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Bipolar depression

Hello everyone. Enjoying depression this week. Yaaaaaaay. Good times. Tired but don't want to sleep at night. Tired don't want to wake up in the morning. Getting dinner feels like more trouble than it's worth but if I don't eat all day I enjoy nausea first thing in the morning. Miss my ex. Hate my job. Hate my boss. Hate my home. Hate the weather. Hate a lot of things that I'm too lethargic to address. When I'm happy I can't understand how I could have been so sad with all the good in my life, and when I'm sad I can't understand how I could have been happy with all the bad in my life. The amazing power of mania and depression. I don't feel like it's going to get worse, even though in my experience it always gets way worse before it gets better. My feelings are lies but I can't help but believe them.#BipolarDepression #BipolarDisorder #Depression #Mania

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Just expanding upon a thought

Perhaps those of us with bipolar could quell the onset of a treatment-resistant episode by consciously taking affirmations and turning them into negations, i.e., I am worthy of self-love becomes I am unworthy of self-love. Then, when the mania starts to give way to the descent into depression, we revert to the affirmations to keep things as balanced as possible. Just a thought. I think it's a great one though I have a feeling unless you've experienced mania before you'd disagree. This of course assumes that the negative words would have any effect at all on how you feel if you're already manic, other than irritation.#BipolarDisorder #BipolarDepression #Mania

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