Mania

Living with bipolar disorder is like riding a rollercoaster that never ends. Some days, I feel unstoppable my mind racing, ideas flowing faster than I can write them down, my energy spilling over into everything I do. I feel alive in a way that’s almost intoxicating.

But the highs come with their shadows. Sometimes, my confidence turns into impulsivity, my energy into restlessness, my joy into agitation. And then, just as unpredictably, the wave crashes. The highs fade, and I’m left in the depths of depression—hopeless, numb, and exhausted. Even getting out of bed feels impossible. Everyday tasks feel monumental. Thoughts that once seemed manageable turn heavy, dark, and frightening (National Institute of Mental Health, 2023).

Bipolar disorder is not a flaw in my character. It’s a medical condition shaped by my brain, genetics, and life experiences (Grande, Berk, Birmaher, & Vieta, 2016). But acknowledging that doesn’t make it easier to live with. The unpredictability can be isolating, leaving me wondering if anyone truly understands the storm inside me.

Treatment has been my lifeline. Medications help stabilize my mood, giving me breathing room between the highs and lows. Therapy has taught me tools to manage my thoughts and recognize early warning signs before the wave becomes overwhelming (Yatham et al., 2018). And slowly, I’ve learned the value of routines, self-care, and grounding myself when life feels too chaotic.

I’ve realized that living with bipolar disorder doesn’t mean giving up on joy or dreams. It means learning to ride the waves—sometimes with grace, sometimes with struggle—and celebrating every moment of clarity and stability. It means understanding that every manic burst and depressive dip is part of my journey, but it doesn’t define my worth.

To anyone else living with bipolar disorder: your feelings are valid. Your highs and lows are part of your story, not a failure. And to those who love someone with bipolar disorder: patience, understanding, and compassion can make all the difference. Your support is a lifeline in ways words can barely capture.

Even in the storm, healing and hope are possible. Each day I navigate the waves is a victory, and every step toward stability—no matter how small—is worth acknowledging.

BigmommaJ

I never thought I would be here today. I never thought I’d be a survivor or whatever. I tried taking my life and I swore to god I was done. I wrote a letter to my mom saying goodbye. I have scars on my arms that tell a dark story. I have trauma from an abusive relationship that scarred me for life. I have losses in my life that I’ll never get back. I have times YEARS of my life I’ll never get back. When I look back I see a manic night mare that occurred to a young little girl who didn’t know what to do with such big emotions. I hurt people that I truly love and I said words I can’t take back. My brain needed to be re wired. I put in extensive effort to do so. I have tried my hardest to re build my life and be properly medicated for 8 years now. I thought after 8 years of therapy and medications that I would be cured. I would be able to live with bi polar and be free at the same time. I sometimes live in a fantasy of my own creation. I was wrong. I’d never be “Cured”. This is a life long disease. I had to accept that to move forward. Sometimes I feel to much and I get panic attacks where I can’t breathe because I’m so overwhelmed with my emotions. I cry out loud now. I allow myself to not be okay and have that be… okay. I don’t let my bad days win anymore. I have control over myself and my actions. We can’t control anything in this world besides ourselves. I am the best listener to friends and even strangers. I am a supportive friend who doesn’t judge. I give good advice only from personal experience. I am learning to live this life in a healthier way. I want to live and see every tomorrow.

Here’s a little video I’ve put together with a voice over by my good self, explaining my understanding and my description of what Bipolar Disorder means to me. I hope you like it and if you have any questions, comments and or suggestions, please feel free to reach out in the comments section below 👇🏼 👌👍

youtu.be/7AathBkyYX0

#MightyTogether #Bipolar1Disorder #Bipolar2Disorder #MoodDisorders #Mania

Tomorrow I’m attending the Inspire Centre for therapy and assistance to help with my substance abuse issues. Here’s what I have written for them. If you have any suggestions or advice on what I’ve written, please let me know in the comments section below 👍

Last time I had a drink - 9th Sept.
Last time I took Cocaine - 9th Sept.

• Use was plain and simply an escape. An escape from the noise and chatter and chaos that I have to put up with 24/7. It might only have been for a couple of hours, but I needed it.

• It’s like my prescription drugs, that were working brilliantly, became less effective and the Bipolar was more prevalent causing this gap, a void that had to be filled, and I chose to fill it with alcohol and Cocaine.

• I know that my actions aren’t the best way to deal with it but I was just desperate. I know that mixing the two together forms Cocaethylene in the Liver, and this is Cardiotoxic.

• Without the Cocaine I wouldn’t have been able to write this explanation. My Bipolar medication robs me of my ability to express myself and explain my experiences in any way. It makes me numb. It’s a different numbness than that of what the Depression brings, but it is a numbness nonetheless.

• I don’t think I’ve got a substance abuse problem, but I’ve got a Mental Illness problem that isn’t being addressed. My meds worked well for a long time from when I started this combination. Slowly, I feel like the Bipolar chipped away at them and their ability to remedy the problem that the Bipolar caused, became less productive.

• After time, they (the medication) have become less effective, less efficient if you will. There is no cure for this illness but just a remedy to keep it manageable. I feel that they need reviewing and increasing where possible to avoid the dips in my recovery from this terrible affliction that consumes me relentlessly for every single minute of every single day.

• There is an onslaught of gaps in my psyche which are voids of emptiness that are being filled by the Bipolar and not the medication. It’s as though it has been setting me up to fall in its trap. Relentless in pursuit of finding a way in which impacts on me. It’s horrible.

#Addiction #Alcoholism #AlcoholAbuse #CocaineDependence #SubstanceRelatedDisorders #MentalHealth #MightyTogether