When Bipolar Disorder Makes It Hard to Keep a Schedule
Finding stability is difficult when you have bipolar disorder. The days seem to melt into one another, either life in dense fog or life on a tightrope. You can’t remember whether you’ve eaten that day or showered that week or when you need to pay that phone bill.
And forget those lists of self-care things you should do. Contemplating even one (“go for a walk outside”) leaves me feeling defeated. It involves too many steps — getting out of bed, finding clothes, getting dressed, and then the actual walking.
Most of the self-care lists contain things that can be next to impossible for a depressed person to do (wash one dish), or too mundane to engage a manic person’s psyche (nap, complete one craft project).
For myself, I get lost in the week, since I usually measure time by weeks. What was I going to do on Thursday? Isn’t there a call I need to make this week? Do I need more groceries this week? I can also get lost in the month sometimes — Is it time to water my plant? Do a breast self-check? Pay a bill?
Most of these, I can handle with small nudges. Water the plant on the first day of the month. Pay a bill when I get an email or call about it.
When I worked in an office or a restaurant, there were ways to measure days. Casual Fridays were a dead giveaway, for instance. But there were no weekly group meetings or, in the case of the restaurant, even specific chores or a consistent schedule for each week. I used to be able to pinpoint Thursdays because it was chicken-n-dumplings day at the Hasty Tasty.
But since the coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic, I no longer go out to work, or to the Hasty Tasty, or get dressed for work (I work in pajamas at my desk). I can sometimes tell time by my husband’s days off — Thursday and Sunday — but even that gets confusing, since I measure by when he goes into work (Wednesday, for example, and Saturday evenings) and he counts by when he gets off (Friday and Monday mornings). “Thursday into Friday” or “Sunday into Monday” is too much for my poor glitchy brain to handle.
I have better luck when I measure by my own work. I have off Thursdays and the weekend. Sometimes there is no work on a particular day, and sometimes I take on extra work on Thursdays or over the weekend, so it’s not completely reliable.
I do try to stick to a schedule when it comes to my writing, though. By Tuesday, I try to have an idea for my blogs. Wednesday I firm it up or do research, if needed. Thursday, I write a draft, since I don’t have my regular job to do. Fridays, I tweak the draft. Saturdays, I proofread and add tags. Sundays I publish. Mondays, I check to see how well my blogs have done.
Since my novel is finished, I have added doing three queries a day, first thing in the morning. And when I don’t have regular work, I try to either do research for my next novel, or write scenes that I know have to go in it somewhere, though not in order, since I don’t have an outline firmed up.
I suppose self-care encompasses going to bed. I usually get in bed by 9 p.m. or 10 p.m. and read to unwind (I know that this is not recommended, but it’s an essential part of my daily cooldown, whatever the day of the week it is). After I start to get sleepy, I take my nighttime pills and read a little more until they kick in. I usually just awake naturally, unless I have a work assignment that’s due early in the morning. Then I set an alarm.
These are the techniques I use to keep grounded in my days and weeks. When something unexpected happens, such as my husband’s days off being switched, I get back into the trap of not really knowing what day it is.
But as for self-care, I don’t schedule a massage or take up yoga or call a friend (I keep in touch on social media). It’s all I can do to get through a week at a time and be grateful for that.
Photo by Hannah Busing on Unsplash