Bipolar 1 Disorder

I've been in Therapy with this Therapist for 3 months. I've tried meditation, journaling, praying, on my own. Despite it being stagnant and ineffective I kept going I didn't give up. She however did. I feel devastated. I wish I could get that time back. I've had many Therapists I've been in Therapy for years it never worked. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm still in the process of getting a Primary Care Physician. I'm not on any medication. I don't know what to do. I didn't give up. And I'm not giving up. Therapy isn't working. I dedicated too much time and effort and energy and it didn't pay off at all. I'm not giving up. What are the alternatives and options that for Therapy. I have to keep going. I've been and remain completely sober and I am proud of that I know that mental illness and substance abuse go hand in hand. I'm trying to make sure I stay safe happy healthy and protected despite having no support system. The system in general has failed me. Yet I persists and I'm going to keep going. #MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #OCD #Insomnia #Autism #ADHD #AspergersSyndrome #Meditation #Meditation #Bipolar1

I've been in Therapy with this Therapist for 3 months. I've tried meditation, journaling, praying, on my own. Despite it being stagnant and ineffective I kept going I didn't give up. She however did. I feel devastated. I wish I could get that time back. I've had many Therapists I've been in Therapy for years it never worked. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm still in the process of getting a Primary Care Physician. I'm not on any medication. I don't know what to do. I didn't give up. And I'm not giving up. Therapy isn't working. I dedicated too much time and effort and energy and it didn't pay off at all. I'm not giving up. What are the alternatives and options that for Therapy. I have to keep going. I've been and remain completely sober and I am proud of that I know that mental illness and substance abuse go hand in hand. I'm trying to make sure I stay safe happy healthy and protected despite having no support system. The system in general has failed me. Yet I persists and I'm going to keep going. #MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #OCD #Insomnia #Autism #ADHD #AspergersSyndrome #Meditation #Meditation #Bipolar1

I want to trust you fully. So bad with everything in me. And I do a majority of the time. But I realized something.. The block, the wall, the detour I keep taking or running into.
You told me years ago to drop my mask. To stop shoving the mood swings, the highs, the lows, the anxiety, the fear. The mental illnesses. That with you they were safe, that with you they were ok. So I did. So I have. But when I've trusted that I can do that, that I am safe to do that because YOU told me it was safe. Being met with anger or irritation. Being told in those moments that it's an excuse. That I'm selfish. That I'm weak and pathetic.
It feels like the opposite of safety. It breaks that trust everytime. That trust I've put in you, that I keep putting in you...is the biggest, closest, most vulnerable thing I can and ever have done. I've always felt...like not being better than the shit brain I was selfish, an excuse, weak and pathetic. But you told me it wasn't at one point. And I believed you.
You don't have to understand. You don't have to agree with the illogical world my brain puts me in. When you told me I was safe to drop the mask- in my eyes- you were telling me it was ok to stop fighting the inevitable and that YOU would make sure I felt the opposite of everything I've ever felt. In my eyes- you were telling me it was ok to face myself...in the safe space you provided with no judgment. That you would be the person who would see I was hurting, know it wasn't fixable or necessarily your fault- but stay with compassion and kindness when I couldn't give myself that. Because I've never been able to give myself that. I want to trust you all the time. I do trust you...until when I'm at my most vulnerable-doing the thing you told me it was safe to do- is met with the same hostility it's always been met with in all the close relationships I've had. Kindness, empathy, emotion, offering understanding isn't weakness. It takes so much more work and awareness and strength to be those things. It's easy, cheap, and weak to brush off emotion or ignore it. You made me feel strong and in the same breath somehow took it away and I stopped trusting you fully. I want to get back to the place where I can trust you fully because I know it's never going to come back on me negatively. All I've needed was the emotional safety you told me you could give me. The one thing no one else has been able to give me. I asked for stability. That wasn't the right word. Or it wasn't enough words. You wonder where the girl went that you met? Part of her had to die. She no longer served me or protected me. But the other part. I buried her. Because it didn't feel safe to be her. I retreated so far into myself....because in my mind, once again, me without the mask....is never ok.

I want to trust you fully. So bad with everything in me. And I do a majority of the time. But I realized something.. The block, the wall, the detour I keep taking or running into.
You told me years ago to drop my mask. To stop shoving the mood swings, the highs, the lows, the anxiety, the fear. The mental illnesses. That with you they were safe, that with you they were ok. So I did. So I have. But when I've trusted that I can do that, that I am safe to do that because YOU told me it was safe. Being met with anger or irritation. Being told in those moments that it's an excuse. That I'm selfish. That I'm weak and pathetic.
It feels like the opposite of safety. It breaks that trust everytime. That trust I've put in you, that I keep putting in you...is the biggest, closest, most vulnerable thing I can and ever have done. I've always felt...like not being better than the shit brain I was selfish, an excuse, weak and pathetic. But you told me it wasn't at one point. And I believed you.
You don't have to understand. You don't have to agree with the illogical world my brain puts me in. When you told me I was safe to drop the mask- in my eyes- you were telling me it was ok to stop fighting the inevitable and that YOU would make sure I felt the opposite of everything I've ever felt. In my eyes- you were telling me it was ok to face myself...in the safe space you provided with no judgment. That you would be the person who would see I was hurting, know it wasn't fixable or necessarily your fault- but stay with compassion and kindness when I couldn't give myself that. Because I've never been able to give myself that. I want to trust you all the time. I do trust you...until when I'm at my most vulnerable-doing the thing you told me it was safe to do- is met with the same hostility it's always been met with in all the close relationships I've had. Kindness, empathy, emotion, offering understanding isn't weakness. It takes so much more work and awareness and strength to be those things. It's easy, cheap, and weak to brush off emotion or ignore it. You made me feel strong and in the same breath somehow took it away and I stopped trusting you fully. I want to get back to the place where I can trust you fully because I know it's never going to come back on me negatively. All I've needed was the emotional safety you told me you could give me. The one thing no one else has been able to give me. I asked for stability. That wasn't the right word. Or it wasn't enough words. You wonder where the girl went that you met? Part of her had to die. She no longer served me or protected me. But the other part. I buried her. Because it didn't feel safe to be her. I retreated so far into myself....because in my mind, once again, me without the mask....is never ok.

I got into my first car accident Friday morning. The person ran into my vehicle, It all happened so fast. Thank goodness no one was hurt. My car is severely damaged. I have no way to get to work, grocery shop or getting to my doctor's appointments. Quite frankly I could use the break, but I really miss having my own car and being independent.

My family is trying to convince me that the accident wasn't my fault and that the car is replaceable. They have repeatedly expressed how grateful they are that I am alive. A small part of me is a little relieved to hear them say this, but their words aren't touching my heart the way it should I'm afraid.

The incident has thrown me into depression and bouts of anxiety. I'm restless and embarrassed, sorry and disappointed and feeling guilty for some reason. I don't want to sleep or dream about the accident. I just want to be by myself to process what happened. I also feel like I can't do anything right. I should've been more careful that day. I'm also very very numb, I mean I feel like I should be hysterical or something given the circumstances right? I've had no urge to shed tears and that bothers me.

I never have the correct emotions or feelings for what goes on in my life. Depression has made me very numb over the years, it's like a callous has grown over my heart. All I feel is the symptoms that my bipolar disorder gives me, the anger, the paranoia, the anxiety, the depression and more.

I never feel right or comfortable. The accident keeps replaying in my mind over and over again, I can't help it. I'm not sure if this is trauma or something but I know it will take time to recover from this terrible ordeal. #Bipolar1 #Anxiety #Trauma #Depression #numb

I got into my first car accident Friday morning. The person ran into my vehicle, It all happened so fast. Thank goodness no one was hurt. My car is severely damaged. I have no way to get to work, grocery shop or getting to my doctor's appointments. Quite frankly I could use the break, but I really miss having my own car and being independent.

My family is trying to convince me that the accident wasn't my fault and that the car is replaceable. They have repeatedly expressed how grateful they are that I am alive. A small part of me is a little relieved to hear them say this, but their words aren't touching my heart the way it should I'm afraid.

The incident has thrown me into depression and bouts of anxiety. I'm restless and embarrassed, sorry and disappointed and feeling guilty for some reason. I don't want to sleep or dream about the accident. I just want to be by myself to process what happened. I also feel like I can't do anything right. I should've been more careful that day. I'm also very very numb, I mean I feel like I should be hysterical or something given the circumstances right? I've had no urge to shed tears and that bothers me.

I never have the correct emotions or feelings for what goes on in my life. Depression has made me very numb over the years, it's like a callous has grown over my heart. All I feel is the symptoms that my bipolar disorder gives me, the anger, the paranoia, the anxiety, the depression and more.

I never feel right or comfortable. The accident keeps replaying in my mind over and over again, I can't help it. I'm not sure if this is trauma or something but I know it will take time to recover from this terrible ordeal. #Bipolar1 #Anxiety #Trauma #Depression #numb