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I'm new here!

Hi, my name is FindingMe2024. I'm here because I got long covid and am looking for relief, community and learning from others.

#MightyTogether #Anxiety #Depression #ADHD #Insomnia #COVID

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Feeling alone and misunderstood…

Hi, my name is Brandy. I am 38 years old. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia 3 years ago. Although in hindsight I’ve been accumulating symptoms since I was 13. In my 20’s I knew my body was trying to tell me something was wrong. By then I was struggling with chronic migraines, anxiety, depression, TMJ, insomnia, losing major amount of weight, IBS, and plenty more were sure to come. I now have a 23, 19, and a 6 year old. All boys. And a 4 month old granddaughter. In the last 2 years I’ve lost myself in this illness. No one understands what I go through on a daily basis. The pain and the extreme fatigue. I hate having to defend myself constantly. Even to my own children. I’ve lost all of my friends. It feels like every month I get worse and worse. I don’t sleep or eat for days at a time. I can’t get out of bed for days and days at a time. Sometimes I don’t even have the energy to take a shower. Much less get up to cook meals for my family. I used to have such OCD and had so much pride in how clean I kept my home. Now I’m lucky if it gets cleaned every 2 weeks. And by clean I mean picking/straitening up. I miss my old life. Desperately. I used to be so full of life and energy. It’s like I know this illness won’t actually KILL me, but it’s slowly killing me. If that makes sense. I stumbled across this platform while scrolling on Pinterest and I’m glad I did. It felt so good to see other people who relate to me and what I’m going through. I’m hoping that joining this platform helps me cope with the life I’m left with.

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15 years #codependent #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Selfharm #Addiction #Depression #Anxiety #Loneliness

Tomorrow will be 15 years married to my husband. 15 years most of which has been filled disconnection, loneliness, isolation, confusion, disappointment, grief, self hatred, which led to depression, anxiety, insomnia, self harm, various addictions, some hospital stays and therapy and medications. My husband is emotionally unavailable and has refused to get more help than a very low dose of an antidepressant. He’s the “strong silent type” and since I’m a codependent and had recently moved to the area we were drawn to each other — in the most dysfunctional way. In all fairness, we tried couples counseling a few times but he didn’t stick with it because “we know what to do, we just need to do it”. And I acknowledge and accept that I’m not a victim here, I have contributed to our fractured relationship. Especially when I was dealing with self harm and addictions. Thankfully my family has been my strength and foundation, and now I’m at a point where I’m quietly resigned to just be a good woman fulfilling the vow I made before God. I know my husband has been faithful, as I have, and the only programs and YouTube videos he watches are How-To, aviation films, cooking shows, documentaries and similar stuff. He’s never raised his voice or has been a physical threat. We don’t have kids…with his undiagnosed male condition that he won’t get help for, it would be a miracle of Bible proportions. I know that I have a better life than others in my situation. I have my own room, vehicle, friends, job and income. And now looking back over 1 1/2 decades of whatever this pseudo-marriage has become, I weep all over again on what I, we, have lost. I’m not furious anymore, it took a long time to diffuse it. And now I have more peace and my own kind of happiness.

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Really, really struggling

I am having a really tough time finding the motivation to keep doing anything. I feel like it is so hopeless, what's the point. I have been fighting this illness for 40 years (since I was about 10)

I have been on disability for 4 years. Health benefits ran out last year. My psychologist gives me one session for free every month, but that is definitely not enough, I can't pay for more and I can't make any progress.
This is my 3rd major episode with my MDD in 8 years (each time is worse than the last and I am so tired. I have tried everything, and I mean everything. Meds galore, ECT (which really helped but I won't do it again due to short term memory issues as a result of it), ketamine in conjunction with TMS (unsuccessful) and I am a crap magnet for side effects, like really bad. I had tendonitis in my calf once that wouldn't go away, I went to my doctor and her student came in first and just told me to lose weight( struggled all my life).
I told her I had been at my job for a over a decade, working on my feet, that my weight was stable, and I had not had an injury, no changes at all. She just shrugged so I went researching on all my meds....after hours and days, I found an article that stated that tendonitis was a possible side effect of hormone infused iud. IUD came out and the tendonitis disappeared in a few days.

I can't take sustained release because those make me have the very dark, twisty thoughts. Regular meds are just as tough with other unwanted side effects. I have the 2 meds I am on without side effects. 1 is at the daily max, and I can't tolerate increases of the other. I had to stop taking Xanax for my anxiety because it was causing nocturnal hypoxia, sometimes dangerously low 02. And all the other benzos are ruled out because, like Xanax, they have a very long half life is and that is the problem.

Everybody comes to me to solve things, and yet I can't fix myself, and have an elderly mum to look after. My beloved kitty Willow is 18 and has showed signs that the inevitable is one the way. I don't deal with loss well and she has been my rock for almost 20 years.

I am so tired, just want to give up, and just turn into a blank person who doesn't have to deal, and just stares out the window while slowly waiting for nature to take it's toll when I am 80 something. I feel like I am only existing and not truly living. Picture is of my darling girl Willow.
#MDD #BPD #Anxiety #Insomnia #CPTSD #ChronicPain #treatmentresistant #Dysthymia #losinghope

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