This was taken of me in the park with a friend I was having a picnic with yesterday.

*Behind that smile is a 23 year old Black woman living with depression and borderline personality disorder. Today was the first time in a while that I actually got dressed and took pictures genuinely smiling.

*I am going to be going to a psychiatrist next week and soon get admitted to hospital to treat the severity of my mental illnesses. I’ve been looking forward to this since my diagnosis in September.

Since my official diagnosis of depression and borderline personality disorder in September, I have been:

- mourning and feeling incredible hurt and pain about a relationship with my ex that ended in August. The more I think about it, the more I realised how manipulative and deceptive he was. I don’t even know if it’s borderline mental abuse because he would gaslight me to the point whereby I am struggling to even trust my reality to this day.

- writing and singing again! I have also been consistent in doing mediation and yoga FOR FUN, NOT OBLIGATION (it’s incredibly tough)

- crying a lot

- dealing with increased suicide ideation

- grappling with my beliefs as an abolitionist and how to integrate transformative justice in trying to heal from a potentially mentally abusive relationship

- off all social media as I deleted them all - IG and Twitter.

- connecting with friends

- getting condo with my sexuality because I CAME OUT AS PANSEXUAL!! This was so liberating and quite tough to come to.

- keeping a promise to myself everyday. My therapist recommended this because she says it’s a way to build safety within myself. (Okay, I broke the promise I set yesterday because I kissed someone when I wanted to restrain myself and logged onto The Mighty when I was meant to be off 💀 but I’ve been consistent!)

- looking forward to going back to doing my Masters studies because I took a leave of absence in June

- surviving and fighting.

- settling in because I have moved to the biggest city in my country with my family. SO WORTH IT!!

- battling and continue to battle a lot of dark days.

My journey is one of great triumphs and great despair, with peaks and troughs. That’s all I wanted to share. It’s messy.
It’s complex. #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #LGBTQIA #pansexual #BlackAF