BPDGemini

I’m so tired. So fucking tired. Not physically tired. I am mentally and emotionally exhausted. My depression is like a leech, sucking the life out of me. Sucking me dry until I feel like both but an empty, hollow shell. I’ve been in this fight against myself longer than I can remember. Even on days I’m not depressed or truly struggling, it’s there. Scratching below the surface. Whispering in my ear, reminding me I’ll never be free. I’ve accepted that this is just part of my life and ultimately part of me. However, acceptance doesn’t make it better. I try not think focus on it, but it is in my thoughts on a daily basis. This is not temporary or something that will magically disappear. This is my lifelong battle. A war with myself. A war with my brain. To say this is disheartening , doesn’t come close to describe how it makes me feel when I get sucked in and focused on it. Sure there are periods of time the darkness fades away, mostly, but it’s always there. Some days it’s mostly a nuisance, similar to someone clicking a pen over and over. Those are the good days. Other days, I feel the darkness growing, like air flowing into a balloon. On those days, I just try to push thru and breathe. Then there are the days where the darkness has enveloped me and I’m surrounded by a thick heavy fog. I can’t breathe. I can’t think. Today is one of these days. It’s not at the absolute worst but I feel it growing. I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting. And part of me wants to just stop caring and say fuck everything, but wont and can’t. This part refuses to give up. This part is holding on to the single thought that the darkness will fade once again into a mere nuisance. The other part of me doesn’t care. I don’t necessarily want to die. I’m not gonna hard myself or attempt to end it. But if I’m completely honest right now. I don’t care if I die or live. Like if I go to sleep and end up not waking up, or if I get in a car crash and don’t survive, I’m ok with that. At least then this endless battle would finally be over. Because honestly I’m over it. I just really want a break. A chance to experience what life is like without this never ceasing battle with my own mind. Wishful thinking I guess. At least this day will be over soon and I can go to sleep and hopefully tomorrow will be better.... not counting on it tho. When the darkness starts growing again, it grows and grows until it’s basically unbearable. The last days is the absolute worst, I have a huge breakdown, and then it slowly fades. And so continues the wondrous cycle of my life. #Depression #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar2 #BorderlinePersonalityDisorderBPD #BPDGemini #Mentalillnessfeelings