Last night was my rock bottom.
I have anxiety but wouldn’t have said I’m depressed. Driving makes me anxious (presume from previous accident). Being with new people makes me anxious. And from time to time I feel low but pick myself up.
Generally I just don’t feel good enough in any aspect of my life. As a mother, daughter, sister, girlfriend, wife (when I was a wife), boss, worker, friend.
If this was someone else’s problem I think I would know what to say to help, and yes I would try.
When people ask how I am or have been I automatically say “good” and smile. That’s wrong. I think they don’t want to know and I’m terrified of hearing “I’m sorry to hear that your depressed, hope to see you soon!”
I told my other half I didn’t feel “well”, about a month ago: I’m overtired and overthinking and don’t feel like I can keep up looking after everyone. I need some TLC. And he replied “get a good sleep, I love you, goodnight”. I felt pushed away.
I don’t recognise myself in the mirror, I’ve changed facially, I don’t like it.
Last night my final straw was being at an engagement party full of people I didn’t know. My other half’s friend. After our two mutual friends left and he was mingling I felt so alone. Lost. So I left alone. Why didn’t anyone include me? I don’t want to push in and be rejected. Is it because I looked bad, ill? I felt fine before I went out.
I wanted to commit suicide, in the kindest way I could think of so as not to distress my family. My neighbour kindly talked me out of this. I don’t know where to turn if I feel this again and that scares me. I don’t really want to die, I just want to stop feeling so worthless and unloved.
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