PMDD

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    Spiraling Thoughts: A Week in my Brain

    I had my first major panic attack related to health anxiety for the first time in months. After I finally managed to calm down, I wrote this out to basically jot down what is going through my brain when I have a panic attack, and a back to back one none the less.

    I am still learning how to cope,
    I am still learning to just be,
    I am still learning how to take care of myself,
    And I am still learning that it is okay to still be learning.

    Every time that I manage to say “I am so happy where I am right now,” my anxiety has to run in to tear it down. It clings to something and makes it so real in my brain that I begin to believe it. I begin to believe I’m really sick. I begin to believe I should have gotten that blood work done because maybe something is wrong with me that I don’t know about yet. Any small change in my normal routine sends me into a full blown panic. I begin to get OCD about it. How many times did I use the restroom? What did I eat today? Have I lost weight? Have I gained weight?

    My heart is racing. My mind can only focus on, “Are you sick? Are you going to throw up? You’re scared to do that. Don’t let that happen!” I panic when one little thing hurts or if I have a change in bathroom habits. Then, because I am so good at being anxious and latching onto a thought that I logically know does not exist, I spiral. And then I become anxious that I’m anxious. It seems like a never ending cycle sometimes.

    Is something physically going on with my brain?

    No, but something chemically is.

    But, that isn’t an excuse. I should suck it up and do what I need to do.

    No, sweetie. Just because this illness does not manifest itself as other illnesses do, it doesn’t make it any less real.

    And as I go through this, and I go in circles, suddenly I start my period. I kid you not. I spend a whole week an anxious mess. I can’t sleep, I’m either pissed off or upset. The thought of going out in public is even more anxiety inducing. And most of the time, once my period starts, everything is fine. I settle down, I feel better except for some cramps and being completely exhausted physically, emotionally, and mentally. I feel like I sleep the first three days of my period.

    It is a rollercoaster of emotion sometimes, and I’m finding ways to cope. Finding ways to just be, and remind myself this happens. And when it happens, I can find ways to cope, breathe, and reassure myself that I am safe and I am healthy.
    #PMDD #Anxiety #AnxietyAttack #Hypochondria

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    Do you spend your whole life chasing a diagnosis #Depression #Anxiety #PMDD #CPTSD #self harm #Bipolar #BPD #ADHD

    I know for some, they say your diagnosis doesn’t define you. But do you spend your whole life trying to find that right diagnosis? I think it definitely helps in terms of finding the right treatment.
    For me it began from my first memories, a child who had a very abusive mother. I had poor concentration, was labeled as being naughty. Then a teenager with harming and eating problems along with alcohol and drug abuse. They made me feel numb. Along came pmdd, then relationship problems, which turned into depression and anxiety. I lost someone close to me by suicide and I attempted too. Then bipolar which never seemed to fit. Along came bpd which sounded right as I had most of the boxes ticked. But I actually think it’s now adhd. It all makes sense. I’ve wasted my life at chasing all of these diagnosis. No medication that I was given has helped. I’ve broken so many relationships and myself.
    Currently no medication or help. I work 50 hours a week, am a single parent. To most I’m great, I’ve learned to wear an amazing mask. I keep super busy to not feel. At night it’s torture with lots of bad addictions which will slowly consume me.
    So do you keep chasing the right diagnosis??

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    So overwhelmed by ‘normal things’ during hell week. #AnyoneElse #PMDD

    When I’m in the week before my period I lose all control at very routine things that I can usually manage fine! It makes me feel ashamed and incapable.

    Last night my landlord asked to carry out some maintenance at the last minute. The thought of someone working in my house while my PMDD symptoms are very bad, just horrified me. The worst feeling was that instead of being able to say ‘I am feeling extremely mentally ill today due to my chronic illness and can’t cope with your request’ I found myself grappling around for excuses, trying to keep him away.
    This led to a very bad PMDD breakdown.

    I think this is one of the worst aspects of dealing with this chronic illness that is little known, often not physically visible, with the added societal taboo of being connected to the menstrual cycle. It’s very hard to talk honestly (especially to people you are not close to) without judgment or a complete lack of understanding.

    How do you explain to people (those not close enough to know all about your condition) when you have to cancel or decline events? Do you have any coping methods or things you say to keep away the things/people you can’t cope with at this time?

    #PMDD #ChronicIllness #boundaries

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    hellooo

    hii i'm sleebyreeby! i'm a neurodivergent 25 year old with a variety of chronic health symptoms that are largely undiagnosed. seems like they're always evolving, really hard to pin down or get a doctor to pay any attention to. feeling particiularly lonely about it all today, i decided to download this app.

    i'm interested in talking to folks with similar symptoms, as well as just being able to talk openly about how i'm feeling without thinking i'm annoying or disgusting anyone 😅

    #MightyTogether #HidradenitisSuppurativa #IrritableBowelSyndromeIBS #ADHD #Autism #PMDD #PremenstrualDysphoricDisorder

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    Pms/anger/

    I go through this every month. Any advice would be appreciated. I get extremely angry and lash out. They won’t give me a hysterectomy and hormones make me sick. My antidepressant doesn’t help with my moods. Does anyone know any other alternatives for this time of month and the mental damage it does? #PMDD #anger #alone

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    We Are Suicide Prevention #PMDD #MentalHealth #SuicidePrevention #TheMighty

    Someone said to me recently,
    'You don't find Suicide Prevention, It Finds You.
    Those words sent shivers through me, like I'd never expected.

    It couldn't be a truer statement.

    It was something, that as a young child, my family would never have thought they would need to equip themselves with; preventing my suicide. As an adult my husband needs to furnish himself with knowledge on how to prevent my suicide.

    People don't know how to talk to you afterwards, they look at you differently, treat you differently. They want to acknowledge what you have done, without actually acknowledging it.
    A fractured mind, a broken soul.

    There's a stigma attached to suicide within society.
    There's a stigma attached to hormones, mental health and menstrual health with society.
    Thankfully its felt by the few and not the many.

    Suicide Prevention is us sharing our stories, reaching others, creating those lightbulb moments & just listening & carrying the weight as a community when the burden of living becomes too heavy in this the cyclical life of PMDD, not just for us as #PMDDPEEPS , but for our partners, our loved ones, our children, our friends, family too, because they feel the weight of our condition as us also.

    We Are Suicide Prevention.

    #SuicidePrevention #PreventingPMDDsuicide #PMDD #PremenstrualDysphoricDisorder #MentalHealth #TheMighty #SuicideAwareness #Suicide #Depression #PmddAwareness #Hormones

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    #ADHD #Fibromyalgia #MajorDepressiveDisorder #PMDD #Anxiety

    I've been pretty discouraged lately because so much has changed that I don't feel like I'm the same person I was even a year ago. It got me to thinking about how people use the phrase turning from a caterpillar into a butterfly. What was wrong with being a caterpillar? Anyway I'm not sure I've turned into a better version of myself. I used to cook, bake, sew, and be active with my children. Now small tasks are overwhelming. I'm working just as hard as I always did, with productivity amounting to a fraction of what it once was. Today I made brunch with my children, both of whom have ADHD. My son has the hyperactivity and my daughter has the inattentive type. I have cognitive impairment and executive function issues as well. We did it. I made waffles, my son cooked eggs and sausage and my daughter did the dishes. We ate and watched the 90s version of the Lion King. It was very difficult for me and took a long time and I'm glad we did it together.

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    PMDD Migraine, Catamenial Epilepsy, Seizures

    It starts just after the bleeding ends. Pain lacerates my eye, searing a trail of red hot magma to the back of my skull.
    Needles of light at every dawn, pierce, poke, prod their way through my sanity, injecting fire and acid through my brain, my veins.
    Pressure builds as wave after wave of sound, regardless of source, invade my ears, threatening to topple the sandcastle that is my sanity.
    Heavy. The light. The pain. The sound. So heavy. It pushes me down to where I cannot function, I cannot push through. I cannot find my way out.
    Yet I do.
    I still am here as it intensifies, hour upon hour. Day upon day. For 7. For 10. 21...
    And as it slams me down I feel it.
    The tickle of lostness that is my Epilepsy coming into my space to take control.
    I beg "please no, not now" but it does not hear my cries, and does not see my fear, it only sees the pathway pain has clearly lit for it.
    My eyes begin to roll, hands and feet stiffen, neck snaps back and forth, and my thoughts are lost to the seizure.
    I hear me moan but do not recognize it is me.
    I feel me gasping for air, and unable to breathe.
    My arms flailing, straighten, slamming.
    Head the same.
    Back arching, chest heaving, eye rolling, face snarling.
    Am I an animal?
    The doctors say it is stress, emotion, and not real.
    As a kid, I heard it all the time.
    Now I'm unable to trust the experts because they will never have my best interest in mind.
    Myoclonic Seizures, Migraines, PMDD and Catamenial Epilepsy.
    It all has these wonderful names. To me they are my bodies way of torturing itself and I am tired of being a part of its game.
    #MyoclonicEpilepsy #CatamenialEpilepsy #Migraine #PMDD

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    The Two Faces of PMDD. #PMDD #PremenstrualDysmorphicDisorder #PmddAwareness #MentalHealth #TheMighty #MenstrualCycle

    Every 28 days #PMDD takes 18 days.

    40% of the year is spent being me.
    Don't be fooled into thinking that being me is filled happily dancing around, singing, holding hands, filled with the joys of spring, drinking in those good moments.

    Being me means spending time picking up the destruction left behind after each episode, trying to piece my life back together, trying to hold my family together once again from the damage thats been caused.

    It means the exhausting cycle of putting old plans in place & figuring out new plans to try and minimise the damage that the impending next episode is going to cause closest to me.

    It means forever living with crippling guilt, shame, embarrassment because of things I've said, ways I've acted & a gut wrenching fear that one day I won't ever be able to claw myself out of that hole of continous thoughts and feelings of wanting to be unalive that each #PremenstrualDysphoricDisorder episode brings.

    It means plastering in on a smile for my family while really I'm still crying inside for the days, hours, minutes, I missed with them, whilst a rising anxiety lurks inside me as I know what is coming.

    The rest of my time is spent living as my alter ego, in #PMDDhell .
    Angry, depressed, withdrawn, fatigued, in pain, disassociated from the world around me, in a constant state of self loathing & planning my own demise.

    Even when PMDD is not present, it makes its presence known.

    If you know someone with PMDD, please don't ever tell them it's just #PMS .

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    An open letter to #partnersofpmddpeeps #MensMentalHealth #PMDD #PremenstrualDysphoricDisorder #MentalHealth #lovedonesofpmddpeeps

    Living with Pmdd is difficult for us. But its equally difficult for our loved ones.
    I often feel they are given the hardest hit when our PMDD hell weeks strike as they are the ones closet to us.

    We spent half the month living as an alter ego. From conversations with my own husband, he spends those weeks walking on eggs shells not knowing whether he is going to wake up to a word vomit of my own anger & self hatred that gets directed at him, whether he will find me inflicting harm on body in a desperate bid to try & find a way to release the inner urges to be unalive & see colour in the dark world once more or whether he simply find me drowning in a hell of fatigue, pain & tears.

    It isn't just the monopoly of symptoms for me to deal with, but for him also.

    To often I've forgetten that he needs time to ground himself in the unfamiliar world that is now not just mine, but his also, to cry, to catch his breath, to feel his own vulnerability & be able to talk about it.

    All too often I've taken for granted that my good weeks should also mean they are his, without looking deeper and realising that my good weeks are the weeks that he struggles the most, in the calm before the storm, as he knows exactly what lies ahead.

    Men, partners, loved ones.
    Its ok to cry, to be vulnerable, to show vulnerability, to need support & seek support. Its ok if your good weeks don't coincide with ours.

    You don't have to be ok for us all the time.

    #PMDD #PremenstrualDysphoricDisorder #pmddpartners #pmddrelationships #mentalhealthmatters #mensmentalhealthmatters #MensMentalHealth #MentalHealth #menstrualdisorders #periodproblems