How Chronic Illness Led Me to Self-Discovery

Ever think how your life would be if chronic illness had not invaded you? I sure did.

Ten years ago, I began to think about how my life may not be the way it is if it weren’t for the invasion of chronic illness. It seems like a redundancy, but I assure you, it’s different. It’s different because I’m different. My life, my mental health, my spiritual connection: all different. The truth is, I’ve come far from walking the tightrope of suicide ideation. I have grown to be honest with myself. I’m learning all sorts of fascinating things about myself — like, for the first time in my entire life, I’m living alone. My only daughter has grown up and moved along, no significant other (by choice), not even a random relative. And I don’t mean random in a bad way.

To the point, I live alone, something I never thought would be. It gets lonely from time to time, but for the most part, I’m OK. My service to others weighs out the loneliness. I have total freedom to structure my days and nights as I feel fit. To be clear, I’m in no way glorifying living in solitude; I know better than that. I’m just sharing my experience. In fact, it’s often recommended to the contrary. Because of my health conditions, my family wants me close. We’ll see what the future holds. I’m a here-and-now kind of person, at least I’m striving to be. My thoughts are more realistic than I ever noticed they were. It’s eerie how our thoughts truly shape our lives.

My self-discovery and increased self-awareness began around the same time I began to see my life differently, 10 years ago. Wow, it’s still perplexing, simultaneously clarifying.

The daunting hunt for a diagnosis, medication side effects, all the frustrations boiling over me as I see the puzzling look on the doctors’ faces because my symptoms did not present classic textbook criteria for a diagnosis. The gall of me to think that they were interested in helping me had me puzzled. I’ve had a few good doctors along my journey. I do not dismiss that.

Pain is a big part of my health journey. Anyone who experiences nerve pain can understand the torment in which it blankets your body, not in a warm and fuzzy kind of way. Pain that causes you to wish you were dead. Physical pain, emotional distress, mental lethargy, I’ve experienced it; still do. However, I have learned ways of coping with it all.

Self-discovery has taught me what I enjoy and what I do not enjoy. I’ve learned that despite wanting to escape myself, I am a people person. I love people. We are an interesting species, don’t ya think? I get people. With my many lessons learned and an array of experiences, I share bits of myself with others. I offer my time and ears to listen. I offer my voice to speak. I offer my mind to brainstorm. Did I mention I love to brainstorm? It could be because my brain is like the Energizer bunny; it just keeps going.

Thankfully, I’ve learned how to quiet my mind when necessary. I have a workbook on the market that I have written that guides others to quiet their minds. In a nutshell, I feel incredibly blessed to have heard my calling. A calling to share what I feel, what I’ve learned, and what I know with others. I no longer shed myself for being who I am, and neither should you. I encourage, support and inspire you to seek who you are, the kind of person you want to be. I support you in the effort. I stand with you in the fight to hold on.

If you feel like you are not worth the effort, hit me up, I’ll show you that you are.

You are so worth the effort.