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long swim

I went to a quiet cliff side beach in the middle of the week. No lifeguard around just a couple of people. I sit in the anguish and the mess of my life. I look around and now I’m the only one there. I wrap the towel around me a change into swim trunks. I used to swim all the time and was a very strong swimmer back in the day. However these days I’m overweight and out of shape. I swim out beyond the wave break lay on my back and float. I don’t intend to go back just sink into depths. Something else is happening the hard swim has drained me of much of the anguish that I had been feeling.

I don’t sink. I look back at the shore . I see that I am no longer alone. Hey stay away from bag. I start to swim I can feel the ocean pull now, very little energy left so I let the waves push me. it’s not enough but the random time is going to low tide. I hold the eelgrass on the exposed rock. Maybe enough after this breather to make in to that other rock. it’s big enough to sit. I make it but cut my foot. It’s later in the day and sun is not in balance to the cool air and colder water. A wave puts me back in the water which actually feels warmer than my wet body in the open air.
Have I swam this far only to be pulled out again. The lowering tide provides more opportunities. I make it to shore and flop, and I mean full body flop with my face in the towel. My bag is still there with my phone and wallet. I fade out but not all the way because I snapping back before a total pass out. I now feel how sore my arms legs and back feel as my heaving breath starts to slow.

I’m choosing to live another day. No energy left for heartbreak, self hatred, etc. My thoughts are of hot showers and something to drink to take away the taste of seawater. #mystory; #Closecall;

1 comment

Real parent #someonehelpme #Closecall

So I was at the fair today, and I saw my real mom and her dad. I’m not supposed to see them and I don’t want to see them. But it just so happened that they where there. I was waiting for my food at one of the food carts so my foster mom was looking at something else. That’s when my moms dad came up to me and said hey and asked me if child services was telling me to be afraid of talking to him. I just said no I’m waiting for my food I’m not supposed to take to you because of court. So he said see that’s propaganda and you can take if you want to they are lying to you. I was very uncomfortable at this point and didn’t want to talk to him because it was like he was following us around the whole time. I wanted to leave so I just walked to the other side of the cart to “get” something else to see if he would leave me alone. He didn’t say anything after that but he continued to follow me around and my stupid self thought that it would be a good idea to make it look like I was having so much fun and look like I was actually smiling. I had never done that when I lived with my mom and I only started to smile after I was put into foster care. But because I was trying to make it look like I was having fun and stuff I started to play with my “cousin” and he did that thing when you try to take a picture of someone without them knowing. But I knew because I was watching him trying to see what he was doing. I know that he was trying to take a picture or a video of me having fun because of one of my friends that is boy crazy always try’s to take pictures of guys. He was doing the same exact thing that she does. So I turned around and said to my foster mom that I didn’t appreciate it when someone is taking a picture of me . The amount that that messed with my head. He couldn’t be serious because he can’t just do that. I don’t know if my mom is going to say anything or not but I really hope she does. I should be able to go to the fair and not feel Paranoid that my mom is going to twist something I say into something that would help her in court because it wouldn’t be the first time. I’ve had to deal with the thought of her him I’m head for my whole life. If you really wanted your kids than you should have been a better person. I just feel really depressed and she’s the reason I have social anxiety and why so many things are wrong with me. Though she’s not the only person that makes me have problems she is a main one. #Depression #SocialAnxiety #LeaveMeAlone