Why now I'm starting to talk about it do I keep getting nightmares and flash backs about it again 😭😭 I don't want to remember I hate you brain 😭
I'm so sick of people treating me like the bad guy when they did ME wrong. There's a girl who came back to my church and she is trying to turn others against me because I don't trust her anymore and refuse to be her friend after she screwed me over.
It makes me not want to be the even though I love going #tired #LeaveMeAlone
I swear on all that is holy... If my husband asks me why I’m suicidal or why I’m like this... Or try to tell me that if I was happy with him, our life, our kids, our marriage, that I wouldn’t be suicidal and wouldn’t want to hurt myself... Or try to fix me like I’m a blown up motor... I’m going to lose the last of my very limited cool beans in me I have left, and walk right into oncoming traffic. Good thing I know he has good intentions behind it all, but holy bajeebers, not everything is about you. I’m just this way!
Quit asking me why! I don’t know! I’ve never known! And yes, “I don’t know” is too a real answer. And don’t ask me stupid questions like, “Is that why you had some of my knives in your safe?” You’ll get a stupid answer back like “Let’s be real. We both know your knives are too dull. I’d buy a new razor knife.”
And really... “You’re willing to give up an eternity in Heaven over being selfish and killing yourself? You’re willing to f*** up me and the girls that bad?” Yeah, just throw some salt on there. Rub it in while you’re at it.
He’s lucky he’s good looking and a better person than I deserve. I don’t deserve him. Or our kids. Or our life. Definitely not my own life.
So I was at the fair today, and I saw my real mom and her dad. I’m not supposed to see them and I don’t want to see them. But it just so happened that they where there. I was waiting for my food at one of the food carts so my foster mom was looking at something else. That’s when my moms dad came up to me and said hey and asked me if child services was telling me to be afraid of talking to him. I just said no I’m waiting for my food I’m not supposed to take to you because of court. So he said see that’s propaganda and you can take if you want to they are lying to you. I was very uncomfortable at this point and didn’t want to talk to him because it was like he was following us around the whole time. I wanted to leave so I just walked to the other side of the cart to “get” something else to see if he would leave me alone. He didn’t say anything after that but he continued to follow me around and my stupid self thought that it would be a good idea to make it look like I was having so much fun and look like I was actually smiling. I had never done that when I lived with my mom and I only started to smile after I was put into foster care. But because I was trying to make it look like I was having fun and stuff I started to play with my “cousin” and he did that thing when you try to take a picture of someone without them knowing. But I knew because I was watching him trying to see what he was doing. I know that he was trying to take a picture or a video of me having fun because of one of my friends that is boy crazy always try’s to take pictures of guys. He was doing the same exact thing that she does. So I turned around and said to my foster mom that I didn’t appreciate it when someone is taking a picture of me . The amount that that messed with my head. He couldn’t be serious because he can’t just do that. I don’t know if my mom is going to say anything or not but I really hope she does. I should be able to go to the fair and not feel Paranoid that my mom is going to twist something I say into something that would help her in court because it wouldn’t be the first time. I’ve had to deal with the thought of her him I’m head for my whole life. If you really wanted your kids than you should have been a better person. I just feel really depressed and she’s the reason I have social anxiety and why so many things are wrong with me. Though she’s not the only person that makes me have problems she is a main one. #Depression #SocialAnxiety #LeaveMeAlone
Some days I can’t face the noise the maddening crowds the energy it rinses me of my inner self my mindfulness my empath vibrstions get distracted from direction or misdirected it’s very hard to understand the vibe - I listen to my body every single day of every waking moment because it has never failed to give me the Insight and willpower to conquer push through and kick the darkness the deep mistrust and dissolution to the curb where it belongs