cptds

I have zero memories of this time.I can recall the events leading up.I covered my mouth because I had slid across the ice on my face.Tore the tissue that connects the lips to the gums and loss a tooth.Twice within days.I believe it was my Great Aunts home.I spent alot of time sleeping over there.We had breakfast there.She was not married.She had no children.When I was there, I felt normal,loved and taken care of.She became very sick and passed at my grandmothers.We were always at her bedside.I can recall the phone all when she died.My Aunt Gloria held me,her death changed me.Anywhere I was sent to stay,my extended family took care of me when I was small.I can't recall ever going home, returning.I can't recall how long I'd be gone either.I know I wasn't home...with them.When they were in school...where was I, if not with other Aunts or cousins? I know there were times...I was alone, alot of times,waiting upstairs,in our closet.I know that is where I'd go, but why? In awe now,at how other families functioned.I always knew I was safe and loved with my extended family.I do remember one time breaking down so hard my babysitter kept me there instead of going to school.I was 7.I told her a lamb was killed on the farm..I couldn't understand why I was in a state like that.it wasn't true, I couldn't understand why I was crying at the time.Another time,my mother didn't show.I think that was a break for me.I can remember thinking she's dead.I truly felt unwanted and left by my immediate family,daily.They themselves, do not know any different.
I imagined so much to get through life,at a too young of an age.My recall now...twenty years gone.I havent lived in the present in the last five years.Mixed,matched and woven into emotional timelines.it needs to be said.All of it, once and for all.im not doing it to hurt people or dig up past abuse.Im trying to heal and not go back again.I understand it is part of the process.Other people do not want to be there for that ugliness.They say I have to accept that and move on.Ive tried for years.Its come close to killing me.Im ready and want to learn to be in the moment.I want more.I deserve more.

With all the chaos going around in the world, this new docu- series on Netflix gave me hope! I can highly recommend it, especially if you love nature, healthy living and beautiful sceneary.