Darkdays

As the days pass I’m finding myself convincing myself that I’m better off alone. My favorite artist “rod wave” has a new song “alone”. I feel the pain in that song because I too feel worthless Like I ain’t worth ish. Wake up everyday work hard do your best and it’s never enough. No friends. No shoulder to cry on at night. Just always feeling like you always gotta overwork and prove something that in the end never seems to matter anyway. Work sucks. I think I’m not meant to be happy. I believe in God but I feel invisible to him. Like I’ve come so far. And it still feels pointless! I saw 2 rainbows today and I just want to know when will I feel happy! I feel I’m loosing control and I have no place or no one to understand me, love me or accept me! I have no place that feels like home. Im so sad but on the outside you would never know! #nothingleft

So I am on a medical leave from work since my depression and anxiety along with panic attacks my dr suggested 4-6weeks and to check into some counseling, however, the first time meeting with a counselor rubbed me the wrong way completely. I was so judged and couldn’t get a word in. She basically said it looks as though you have already taken steps to release your anxiety and then she further asked me what my goals are and what I want my future to look like. At this point I was ready to walk outta there cuz my overwhelmed me just by the things that she was saying. I’m struggling everyday and to think about my future just pushes me over the edge. My thoughts were “and this lady is licensed to talk with people on a personal level and help?” She mad my thoughts on depression even worse and I told her I felt uncomfortable with it. Again this was my first experience with a counselor. I never scheduled another appointment with her or any other counselor for that matter. But I have been looking online for answers and how to cope and what has worked for some that have the same situation. And just reading others stories make me calm and not feel alone. I’m still currently on a medical leave from work and just thinking about going back makes me anxious. Keep telling myself.. this to shall pass...