Garden bed
#distractme#lifes little joys#gratitude#alone Picked my second lemon cucumber this afternoon -friday the 18th.
Well, you're always told repeatedly that if you need anything reach out. Well I tried to do that. And I was told that the world doesn't revolve around me. So there's that.
I lost my mother, and I've always put my friends and family first and was there for them when they mourned. But when something that traumatic happens to me, I literally am alone and then told to suck it up. Nice. I want my mom back, because this is truly unbelievable. #alone #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder
I guess I’ll start with trigger warning
If you are someone who struggles with BPD related relationships, suicidal ideation, and relationships trauma which puts you in a not good mindset maybe don’t read this
So I guess I’m confused
Confused about how to feel
How to react
What to even say
So i guess this may be a rant a vent I’m not sure
My partner who struggles with BPD and potential DID and a Bipolar disorder
Has told me he has friend(s) who want us to break up
Im assuming this is because of whatever he shares with them
I did manage to bring it up to him just now
I’m not sure how the conversation started but I did share my thoughts about it finally
He said it was very honest of me
I told him that it was unfair of him to share that information with me
Especially because it was after I told him I’ve been extra depressed and suicidal lately
Personally I feel like that is an “off side” thing to tell your partner in general and just bad timing
Kind of something you keep to yourself and your friends i guess
Maybe I’m crazy for thinking that
I’m not sure it’s just my opinion
Anyways
He told me that it was someone in his system that told him that
But yesterday I overheard heard his conversation with someone saying “but I love her and you don’t leave when times get hard”
Something along those lines not verbatim
And I am jumping to conclusions maybe but i feel very sure that conversation was about me
In general i think that’s not an okay conversation to have infont of me especially if it’s about me
(I feel crazy and self absorbed writing about this)
Anyways
It’s hard for me to believe that it was just someone in his system telling him this and not a physical person in his life
This is just something that has been on my mind since he said it
How should I feel if he has friends telling him to leave me
I love my partner very much and have done basically everything in my control to be supportive of him
I mean in and out of hospitals
Reaching out to his best friends to check in on him
Tried my best to defend him when people in my life had something negative to say about him
Non verbal time
Bpd moments
psychosis episode
Much more
I just don’t feel heard or understood i guess
I feel like I try
All I’ve asked for resently is to be home for a little bit so I can decompress in my own safe space (we’ve been staying at his parents)
But even that has not been respected
I feel like if i could fill my cup just a little bit I could be a better partner
But I just haven’t gotten the opportunity to actually do it and constantly being shut down
I feel like I have no voice anymore
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BipolarDepression #DissociativeIdentityDisorder #alone #whatdoido
#ctpsd #BPD #Trauma 👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽 Let's see if you could be me.I need you to imagine having borederline personality disorder and living in a world where nothing makes sense and you have very little understanding of the human race because you don't believe how people treat each other matches your internal content of what you believe to be right, just, moral. Also imagine you feel everything a thousand fold of the rest of the world and that not only do others hate you for it but you hate yourself for it too. Imagine growing up ostracized, neglected and never being socialized. Could you imagine the loneliness?Confusion?Fear of people? Living off of hope alone? Wondering if there's even 1 person on earth like you? Broken like you? 🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹
Could you imagine 37 years of people leaving you? Using you? Rejecting you without ever knowing why? Can you put yourself in my shoes of "existing with the pain" instead of living a life? 🧬 🧬 Doesn't sound so good does it? Being afraid of life because you don't know how to live it. Wanting the pain to stop but being afraid of death. Hoping that one day someone will meet you, actually see you and like or love you? The love you see everyone around recieve. Praying to a god you don't believe in per se so hard to send you an angel to save you because simply don't have anywhere to belong? A life always on the outside looking in? Regretting you were ever born? Never understanding "why"? Can you picture it? Comprehend the low quality of life?💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙
Now can you imagine how things could ever get worse? That a time would come where your past trauma's were a picnic compared to what life is about to put you through with zero warning of just how awful people can truly be? Blindsided completely. Targeted so intensively that you believed God must be real because he really did send you the "angel you prayed for?“🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤
Social phobia disorder, BPD and for f*** sakes now diagnosed with C-TPSD in adulthood is my story💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
NO MATTER HOW PAINFUL TODAY IS TAKE MY WORD FOR IT, THINGS CAN ALWAYS GET SO MUCH WORSE THAN YOU COULD EVER KNOW. SO BE GREATFUL FOR EVERYTHING YOU DO HAVE EVEN IF IT DOESN'T SEEM LIKE MUCH IT COULD ALWAYS BE TAKEN FROM YOU 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔 #kmn #why #Evil #dying #Loss #changed #nothingness #stolen #grooming #unfair #alone
That's how I went from living with BPD to something far far more painful.🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🥀🥀🥀HERE LIES THE ME I USED TO BE🥀🥀🥀
I believe we all live in the gray- there is no normal just perception. I allowed others to write my narrative for my entire life, reality hit me like a truck. Living w #MajorDepressiveDisorder is like the birds in the photo flying feverishly away from the storm on the horizon but regardless of how sunny the days are you are always aware of the storm on the horizon so you learn to fly in the in between as best as you can. Some days the #Anxiety alone of the storm can block the sunshine #alone #Drowning
I just feel so empty and alone I don’t want to harm myself but I don’t want to keep waking up with this pain in my chest, mind racing, obsessing over things I can’t control . #alone #Depression #Addiction #Anxiety #MentalHealth
We all have to remember this.
I will also “turn a light on” for each of us and we can all be a light for each other.
I can also switch on my my battery-operated, flameless, safe for my 2 kitties, candle for you.
#DistractMe #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Depression #inspire #Inspiration #Selfharm #Grief #SuicidalIdeation #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #SuicidalThoughts #Suicide #Anxiety #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #PostTraumaticStressDisorder #PTSD #MightyTogether #youarenotalone #alone #Loneliness #TRDSupport #TreatmentresistantDepression #MentalHealth #BipolarDepression #MajorDepression #MDD #ChronicIllness #RecurringDepression #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #PersistentDepressiveDisorder
Last night I met up with his old group of friends, 2/4 were his closest and I’ve only known 1 of them for quite a long time now… since he passed on, that one friend has been pushing me away and telling everyone not to let me around to chill… I’m hurt, very hurt but it is what it is. I hope they realize that how they are treating me is not what my partner would have wanted, he would have wanted them to treat me differently and watch over me as good as he did… he literally called them his brothers💔 I mean I can’t be too upset about this because it probably hurts them just as much to be around me without him, to see me looking lost and alone… but at least be putting some kind of effort or something you know? They don’t bother to message me or anything, they laugh and don’t even care to talk with me or talk about good ole memories. I know it hurts but damn we need to have those conversations with each other about him, we all need a little bit more of comfort and love that my partner always brought upon everyone.
#alone #lost #depressed #MentalHealth #Anxiety #PTSD #Trauma #Suicide #lonely #Grief #healingjourney
For a long while I've changed my life to leave and transcend the past I have endured.
Then quiet recently in a professional setting I've made these changes for the abiding reasons.
This particular employee made this sacred information know to a primary person that gave me a lot of pain.
I'm devastated. #CheckInWithMe #MentalHealth #Pain #Depression #Grief #alone