alone

I just feel so empty and alone I don’t want to harm myself but I don’t want to keep waking up with this pain in my chest, mind racing, obsessing over things I can’t control . #alone #Depression #Addiction #Anxiety #MentalHealth

Last night I met up with his old group of friends, 2/4 were his closest and I’ve only known 1 of them for quite a long time now… since he passed on, that one friend has been pushing me away and telling everyone not to let me around to chill… I’m hurt, very hurt but it is what it is. I hope they realize that how they are treating me is not what my partner would have wanted, he would have wanted them to treat me differently and watch over me as good as he did… he literally called them his brothers💔 I mean I can’t be too upset about this because it probably hurts them just as much to be around me without him, to see me looking lost and alone… but at least be putting some kind of effort or something you know? They don’t bother to message me or anything, they laugh and don’t even care to talk with me or talk about good ole memories. I know it hurts but damn we need to have those conversations with each other about him, we all need a little bit more of comfort and love that my partner always brought upon everyone.
#alone #lost #depressed #MentalHealth #Anxiety #PTSD #Trauma #Suicide #lonely #Grief #healingjourney

For a long while I've changed my life to leave and transcend the past I have endured.
Then quiet recently in a professional setting I've made these changes for the abiding reasons.
This particular employee made this sacred information know to a primary person that gave me a lot of pain.
I'm devastated. #CheckInWithMe #MentalHealth #Pain #Depression #Grief #alone

Hey I am new here
I don't know what brings me here but the one thing I always wanna know is that is having an emotional heart is a bad thing? Why people always bullied those who cries often only cause they have a good heart? Well I am the one I suffered alot in my relationship or friendship or I guess that's the reason I don't have friends...
#alone

Does anyone else have a hard time going to therapy because of the extra anxiety it causes? I always walk out feeling more depressed/anxious which in turn makes me not want to go back.

By societies standards, I should feel great. I should be grateful than my life was saved. I should be thankful that nurses and doctors put hours and hours of labor into my corpse and I am grateful but I do also feel guilty. I don’t want them to feel like their work was all in vain, but at the same time I struggle but I don’t struggle like people would think that I’d struggle I don’t have issues with money. My wife left me two weeks in the hospital stay so I no longer have relationship issues although it was a toxic relationship and kind of glad I don’t have those issues.

Of course, the loneliness of things sets in. The nights bring memories of things I did in my past that were fun times spent with friends now time spent with my ex-wife where we weren’t fighting and things were good.

My uncle left me his house of which I now live in, which would be a blessing if he hadn’t passed away here if I hadn’t found him in this house if the walls didn’t reek of my uncle. Every night here is torture. Knowing what happened what suffering took place here.

Im in pain, not physically but mentally emotionally I don’t know what to do. I want to run but I don’t know where to? crawl out of my skin.

Ive felt many pains over the last few years, but never the pain of what I feel now, I feel I’m one step closer to going catatonic. Life’s finally broken me, people tell me to get out, where do I go? And no offense I don’t want to be around other people like this.

find a hobby they say, what? At the moment in life I enjoy nothing.

You’re just being difficult they say, you don’t value how lucky you are. No I know how lucky I am however my luck came with a curse. Money can’t cure my heart, money can’t bring me happiness. Money can’t find me companionship or connection that lasts longer than a day.

take a trip, where? I don’t want to leave my house

therapy, I’ve tried several, they don’t tell me anything I haven’t already thought about myself in my mind.

And believe me I feel like I’ve tried all of the above, why I may have had fleeting instances of joy and happiness soon I had to come back to reality.

I’ve tried the medication I take 15 different ones for my heart my physical pains I was left with, my kidneys liver just about everything, I have a partially artificial heart and a machine that keeps my heart beating. I’m covered in scars from the vampire scars on my throat where the ventilator was and the medicine tube was, down ny chest and the xxs on my stomach and back I had lines coming out of for months.

Whats wrong with me? Have I just come to the end of my road?

I apologize for these jumbled thoughts they’re from a mind of a sleep deprived individual who’s barely hanging on by a thread.

im not even sure if im looking for some inspiration that might help or save me as I’m not sure there’s much left to say or do that could help that already hasn’t been said I think I’m just leaving these notes so if by some stroke of magic change happens and everything turns around I can look back and remember where I came from. Or if i simply can’t carry the weight anymore at least I’ll have said something and my friend and family will have closure, they’ll at least know how much i suffered inside and that im free and onto greener pastures.

#Suicide #Depression #self #alone #Pain #Life #Journal #PTSD #Broken #empty