alone

#distractme#lifes little joys#gratitude#alone Picked my second lemon cucumber this afternoon -friday the 18th.

#grieving # empty #depressed#alone last few weeks have been pretty unmanageable for me. No Home care worker, lost another nurse, birth family crap.

I've called the Oregon Warmline many times in these weeks and months for 20 minutes chat with a peer.

I guess I’ll start with trigger warning
If you are someone who struggles with BPD related relationships, suicidal ideation, and relationships trauma which puts you in a not good mindset maybe don’t read this

So I guess I’m confused
Confused about how to feel
How to react
What to even say
So i guess this may be a rant a vent I’m not sure
My partner who struggles with BPD and potential DID and a Bipolar disorder
Has told me he has friend(s) who want us to break up
Im assuming this is because of whatever he shares with them
I did manage to bring it up to him just now
I’m not sure how the conversation started but I did share my thoughts about it finally
He said it was very honest of me
I told him that it was unfair of him to share that information with me
Especially because it was after I told him I’ve been extra depressed and suicidal lately
Personally I feel like that is an “off side” thing to tell your partner in general and just bad timing
Kind of something you keep to yourself and your friends i guess
Maybe I’m crazy for thinking that
I’m not sure it’s just my opinion
Anyways
He told me that it was someone in his system that told him that
But yesterday I overheard heard his conversation with someone saying “but I love her and you don’t leave when times get hard”
Something along those lines not verbatim
And I am jumping to conclusions maybe but i feel very sure that conversation was about me
In general i think that’s not an okay conversation to have infont of me especially if it’s about me
(I feel crazy and self absorbed writing about this)
Anyways
It’s hard for me to believe that it was just someone in his system telling him this and not a physical person in his life

This is just something that has been on my mind since he said it
How should I feel if he has friends telling him to leave me
I love my partner very much and have done basically everything in my control to be supportive of him
I mean in and out of hospitals
Reaching out to his best friends to check in on him
Tried my best to defend him when people in my life had something negative to say about him
Non verbal time
Bpd moments
psychosis episode
Much more
I just don’t feel heard or understood i guess
I feel like I try
All I’ve asked for resently is to be home for a little bit so I can decompress in my own safe space (we’ve been staying at his parents)
But even that has not been respected
I feel like if i could fill my cup just a little bit I could be a better partner
But I just haven’t gotten the opportunity to actually do it and constantly being shut down
I feel like I have no voice anymore
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BipolarDepression #DissociativeIdentityDisorder #alone #whatdoido

I just feel so empty and alone I don’t want to harm myself but I don’t want to keep waking up with this pain in my chest, mind racing, obsessing over things I can’t control . #alone #Depression #Addiction #Anxiety #MentalHealth

Last night I met up with his old group of friends, 2/4 were his closest and I’ve only known 1 of them for quite a long time now… since he passed on, that one friend has been pushing me away and telling everyone not to let me around to chill… I’m hurt, very hurt but it is what it is. I hope they realize that how they are treating me is not what my partner would have wanted, he would have wanted them to treat me differently and watch over me as good as he did… he literally called them his brothers💔 I mean I can’t be too upset about this because it probably hurts them just as much to be around me without him, to see me looking lost and alone… but at least be putting some kind of effort or something you know? They don’t bother to message me or anything, they laugh and don’t even care to talk with me or talk about good ole memories. I know it hurts but damn we need to have those conversations with each other about him, we all need a little bit more of comfort and love that my partner always brought upon everyone.
#alone #lost #depressed #MentalHealth #Anxiety #PTSD #Trauma #Suicide #lonely #Grief #healingjourney

For a long while I've changed my life to leave and transcend the past I have endured.
Then quiet recently in a professional setting I've made these changes for the abiding reasons.
This particular employee made this sacred information know to a primary person that gave me a lot of pain.
I'm devastated. #CheckInWithMe #MentalHealth #Pain #Depression #Grief #alone