Alone, do you feel alone
Do you feel safe
I’m coming for you
You know I know
Without me your nothing
Who will keep feeding you lies
I tell nothing but the truth.
I’m the only one you can trust
Don’t trust them I’m the one you want
I’m your savior
I will tell you
What they won’t
Small
Weak
Quiet
Nervous
Sincerely anxiety #anixety #alone
3 reactions I feel,
Within,
A silent yet raging sea-
A boiling pot brimming,
My dancing loon of a heart trips about upon a craggy cliff.
And it is at these times I feel a lack,
That alien void,
The dark wonder that creeps along my spine,
Is there anyone,
Anywhere,
With a soul close to mine.
1 reaction •
3 comments
Im so tired ….. I Feel so depressed...... I can't I'm struggling ... and crying nonstop . and when I do try to sleep 😴 I just curl up in a ball and ball my eyes out and don't hardly get any sleep some nights because I can't ... litterally screaming alone ..... I feel so alone .. 😫😭#depressed #alone #Crying #Depression #canwetalk I need
9 reactions •
4 comments
I’m new here. I’ve had anxiety and depression for over 40 years and have pushed away everyone. Thankfully I have my two senior dogs. #lonely #alone
10 reactions •
4 comments
This morning something scary happened. I think I mentioned before this vibrating sensation I constantly feel. Sometimes it’s very minor but today was the worst.
I woke up feeling like the blood in my body was like a dam opened up and the water was roaring strong and fast causing everything to vibrate. I lay in bed for a long while vibrating and twitching. I got up and went to the washroom. The vibrating became visibly noticeable. I called to my husband 4 times. He didn’t hear me so he didn’t come. I heard him get up and I called one more time. By this time I’m crying. I asked him to come in and just hold my shoulders. I was hoping I’d feel some calm. He did rub my back but his mind was more on getting ready to sign in for work.
So like another whoosh and roar I felt so many things at once. The main theme was that I do not ever want anyone to tell me I need to talk about what’s bothering me and that it’s okay to ask for help. When I do I feel like my thoughts, feelings, knowledge, etc is dismissed. I am dismissed. I have to argue my points every day like I’m in some debate club.
I didn’t call the doctor. He’s only in Monday’s and Thursday’s. I didn’t go to emerg because over 8 hours waiting to be told it’s nothing is not okay.
I went to work. Vibrations and all. Mail was hard because of the dizziness.
Time to nap. I just had to get it off my chest that I see the people in my life clearly now. #alone #Unknown #Depression #Anxiety
7 reactions •
2 comments
I have decided and have made it known that I want to be left alone. I'm extremely tired of other people hurting me, and I believe I'll be more comfortable without the people who are supposed to have loved and cared for me, that really hurt me repeatedly. Has anyone else ever chosen to be alone? How do you feel now? #Anxiety #Depression #alone
18 reactions •
9 comments
By no means am I blaming football for my mental health problems. I have fond memories of playing sport and being part of a team/organisation. I was gifted with the ball and excelled on the pitch.
It was my father who ruined my experience. It was not enough for my father to simply appreciate that his son was capable of running, jumping and kicking a ball. He brought along a competitive spirit that was not only embarrassing but toxic.
I was skillful but I was not a naturally gifted athlete with any attributes that made me excel far beyond my years. I was playing in the year above and starting in the team but again this was not enough for my father who expected me to excel in the squad. I lacked in stature and athletic ability (speed mostly) and this would eventually lead to difficulties towards the end of my playing days.
If I ever get around to having kids, I will think long and hard before enrolling them in to a competitive sport / environment. The problem with competitive sport is it breeds a mindset based on results. The schooling system is also guilty of this. I would like this post to focus on the issue of sports although I also experienced major issues at school.
There is an argument for competitive sport but my overall consensus is it did me more harm than good. The need to be the best always critiquing how I played, never being satisfied and the game forever playing on my mind. For something that gave me very little it is very taxing on the psyche.
My team disbanded and I was forced to join a new team in a more difficult league for which I was not prepared. The game was no longer fun and became serious business with everyone trying to make it to the senior squad where money was involved.
It was a combination of life getting in the way of my dream of becoming a footballer and my own poor life choices. It takes a very strong willed individual to ignore the lights, girls & music and focus solely on the game. You need to be wiling to sacrifice for the sport. When I gave up on football, I started to experience identity issues as I felt the game made me who I was.
My dad only wanted the best for me, so when I started to act out and started to steal it was a shock to him and he didn't know how to handle my behaviour.
It wasn't until I stopped playing football and realised that the game had left me feeling empty and took a lot away from me. It also left me with a competitive streak that I sought to satisfy elsewhere. I felt deep sadness that my own stupid decisions had ruined my dream of becoming a footballer.
In my later years I have trouble agreeing to be part of a team, group or association. Football is not the sole reason for this but adds to my mental problems associated with gang mentality. It also brings out an us against them mentality which I don't want anything to do with. Keeping to myself has brought on its own challenges and I fight with negative emotions most of the time as I come to terms with who I am.
#self #Myself #Individual #Fear #solely #Responsible #scared #groups #people #Smoking #Drugs #Addiction #Drinking #gangs #ME #Sport #cutthroat #toxicmasculinity #goingout #lights #Music #Addiction #Depression #isolated #nobody #bymyself #Girls #Identity #competition #NotGoodEnough #best #First #winning #Success #failure #defeat #bottom #Fights #Life #Death #alone
5 reactions •
1 comment
My friends like to point out the upside of my traveling over the holidays when I feel alien and like I have no where else to go because I’ve chosen to distance myself from my dysfunctional family.
“At least you saw some beautiful places…” - Yes, I went to a beach keenly aware that I was alone, it was Thanksgiving and I ate alone with food I picked up from the grocery store that I didn’t actually have to cook. It was fine—at best. But better than sitting with dysfunctional family—mine or anyone else’s.
“At least you got to travel and get away…” - I wasn’t a vacation. It was an escape, a hiding, an anxiety-ridden space of time where I needed to be anywhere else than home.
“At least blah blah blah” - Just stop. I do the best I can with the situation that I’m in. We live in a world that is structured by families. I will always feel outside of the norm. Do I have to pretend fine just to make you okay with my struggle?
This kind of response is why I need to run and hide. At least I can be myself and feel my feelings when I’m alone. I don’t want to be around people who want me to find the upside in having no family. Newsflash, it sucks. You feel like a spotlight is on your head wherever you go. You don’t want to go out. You don’t want to stay in. You don’t want to be with cheery other peoples families to remind yourself that that will never be your life.
And by you, I mean me. I speak for myself when I say stop trying to find the silver lining. Sometimes some things in life suck.
#Truth #Sorrynotsorry #CPTSD #ComplexPTSD
#alone #DysfunctionalFamily
5 reactions •
2 comments
Just before Thanksgiving I boarded a plane to nowhere. The place doesn' t matter really. I wanted to extract myself from the unending circle of family tradition that rolls straight through Halloween to New Year's Day. Not only am I a survivor and carry the weight of CPTSD, I am single and estranged from my biological family. Holidays mean heightened awareness of my outsider status. Holidays are a dance I am never invited to--where I stand on the wall watching the crowd, perhaps a bit jealous (but mostly hopeful no one sees me) and terrified to be asked to join in. I am 13 again.
I left home at 15. My idea of holidays in my childhood did have feasts with multiple homemade pies, a plastic reusable tree and ornaments--and even, presents with my name on them. There was also a lot of screaming and crying, especially when late on the way to Church. There was also the time my mother burst into a Tasmanian devil cloud of anger at my father for having spoiled me with a Donkey Kong mini video arcade game. There was joy in singing holiday songs. And there was shame, guilt, self-consciousness, fear and anxiety. There were moments that we acted like a family because the world had given us a framework--a set of instructions: here is how to love; this is how you give; do this and enjoy being with family. We had the whole world of Believers to show us "how to."
As an adult, I am not a follower of the Catholic faith in which I was raised. If anything, I relate to the basic lessons of Buddhism though I am not deeply learned about the philosophy beyond what I read in Pema Chodron books and hear in her YouTube videos. I stopped celebrating with friends, who once gathered for Friendsgiving and Christmas dinner, when they started having families of their own now replete with 2.0.0.4 kids, in-laws and all the extended relationships that come with marriage. I also, as much as I have good intentions, have not connected with a volunteer community for those who are in more visible need during the holidays. Or maybe their needs, in fact, haven't changed moreso than other seasons--but, again, the social construct of holiday tradition shows us how to serve them in November and December.
Back to my flight, it was a one-way ticket fortunately provided by my frequent flier account. I knew when and where to evacuate; I did not know when it would feel okay to come back home. I spent time comforted in the lack of pressure and expectation of strangers. Better, I relaxed in the spaces without any engagement at all save for nature. I spent three weeks contented to have chosen my outsider-ness, instead of dealing with the barrage of physical must-dos that society and commerce shove in our faces. I rejected it all.
When I came home, due to fatigue and a virus that was dampening my solitude and my ability to even do things on my own with congested lungs and brain fog, I retreated into the privacy and quiet of my home. I received a few invitations to friends' holiday gatherings with their small families. I melted at the invitations and shuddered at the pressure of a response that wouldn't out me as someone without a place to go. In the end, I stayed home. I cowered inside myself, just like when I was a little girl.
I didn't allow myself to watch Christmas movies or listen to holiday music or hang anything around my home that made me aware of my aloneness at the most wonderful time of the year. I did buy foods I like and slept a lot and came to The Mighty to selfishly take the microphone that is the welcomed ability to tell it like it is to people who might be more likely to understand than anyone else in my home life.
Here's the zinger: I did/do not want to be cheered up. Instead, I want to be understood. It's not comforting to have to stuff down true emotions so that others are comfortable with my choice to be alone. I don't want tips on how to get through it. Newsflash, my mad survival skills are why I'm still here today. I simply want to be acknowledged for the fact that this is different reality that a whole segment of an unseen world live--and no one wants to really look at it. At us. I think I can speak for a lot of people who struggle with CPTSD--some without even knowing it--that what would be great during the holidays, that wipe out more than a quarter of a year, we can function without judgement, most especially self-judgement, and live the truth. It is simply that this isn't the most wonderful time of the year--and it's okay to do whatever we need to do to stand in a crowd where we can't belong. We want to be with you and bask in all the goodies that the majority of the world embraces. But our life circumstances, our brain wiring, our trauma--all of that clashes with the family togetherness that frames the holi-days. Many of us wouldn't have the trauma to begin with were it not for our families.
So let us save space for the ones who wish they could belong. Let us allow the outsiders to at least own their own words and feelings. May our holidays be whatever we need them to be, not what has taken shape in passed down traditions that shut out less shiny experiences. Let us shed love and light on those who carry darkness through no fault of their own.
#holidaytruth #CPTSD #traumasurvivor #Family #estrangedfamily #single #alone #okayalone
6 reactions 
When chronic pain has a person, such as myself, nearly completely homebound & bedridden, living alone can surely be a big issue. #Cats are purrrfect companions, not having to be walked & go in the litter pan. I am holding onto #Hope , using every bit of might I have in me. Hurts trying so hard, for so long, continuously in the face of frustration & disapointment. I #Need to hold on, for I am to the point of extreme & exaggerated #desperation . & this being my first Christmas without her, it's reached its peak today. I'm a little #afraid to #Lose all Hope at this point. Well. Wishing a Happy Merry Christmas for us all. At least May it be the the #best we can make it. #atleast . 🙏
#MightyTogether
14 reactions •
7 comments
Latest
