I went to visit my very abusive dad (and clueless step-mom) of my own accord when I was 23. I saved money and flew across the country. I think my main reason was to see my 14yo step-sister who I loved and was always concerned about. Unfortunately I only got to see her once. She was a very busy and popular schoolgirl. It was also her week to stay with her dad. Now I finally realize my dad set it up that way on purpose. Most of the week I sat at the kitchen table playing solitaire the old fashioned way. I recall overhearing my step-mom going to my dad in the living room. She told him that I didn't come here to spend the whole week just to play solitaire. He said he didn't know what to do with me. So he took me to the mall. The whole time was awkward. We didn't shop anywhere. He didn't buy me a meal, a treat, or even a soda. Not then or on the way home. I imagine our conversation was probably two strangers unsure if we wanted to get to know one another. It's all I remember about the trip. I've always wondered why I would ever want to visit my dad. I didn't like my step-mom very much. But I adored my step-sister and was always concerned about her, of course. I've always wondered why he ignored me and let me sit at the table for hours for the week that I was there. I was listening to Healing from Hidden Abuse (meaning, psychological) by Shannon Thomas. I've known for a while now that my dad was a narcissist. So now I understand that his silence was to let me know, "You love me. Ha! Dumb sh*t. I'll just quietly let you know that you mean nothing to me. I can't believe you are too stupid to know that after all these years." Now that know this I can just accept it as part of the abusive a-hole that he was. He'd certainly done worse things. I'm content to finally understand and not waste any emotional energy on him. It's another insight that takes me another step closer to healing. #daughtersof narcissisticfathers #childhoodsexualabusesurvivor #CPTSD #Depression #Anxiety #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder