Abuse

"The System is Failing Disabled Kids—and I’m Living Proof"

I’ve spent my whole life in the special education system—from the inside out. I was a special education student from 1st through 6th grade. I'm now a self-identified autistic adult. I'm a mother to two beautiful, officially diagnosed autistic children. And I work inside the school system as a special education paraprofessional.

That means I’ve seen it all. And what I can’t stay silent about anymore is this: the system is failing disabled children—every single day.

Are you shocked? I’m not. I grew up in this. And now, I’m deep in it. I show up every day not just for a paycheck, but because I care about these kids. Because I am these kids. Because I’m raising them. And yet… the abuse, neglect, ignorance, and dehumanization I’ve witnessed is beyond words.

My very first year working in the system, I saw a teacher sit on a 6-year-old during a meltdown. Yes, the child was having a physical meltdown—but instead of offering support, comfort, or a sensory-safe space, the teacher sat on him, smacked him, and cornered him for 45 minutes. I reported it long before the 45 minutes were up. And when I was questioned by police, one officer actually asked me, “Well, what was the kid doing?”

Excuse me? If that had been my child, I would’ve been arrested for reacting. But this teacher, with 30 years of experience, got a slap on the wrist. Nothing changed.

My second year, a new teacher repeatedly made comments like, “These autistic kids don’t belong in school. They should be locked away.” She bullied an autistic child of color—because of her race and disability. I reported it. I went to administration again and again. I was told:

> “Tiff, just handle the behavior. She’s new to the system.”

No. No, I won’t just handle it. I told them if someone doesn’t have respect, love, and empathy for disabled kids, they have no business working with them. I was told I was a “different breed.”

I guess I am.

Because I won’t stand by while students are called “animals.” I won’t let coworkers get away with abusive, neglectful behavior. I’ve stepped in too many times. I’ve watched therapists and administrators come to me for information about students, because I was the only one who really knew them. I went far beyond my job title because the kids deserved someone to fight for them.

But here’s the truth I don’t say out loud enough:

I’m tired.

I’m burned out.

I’ve taken mental health days because I go home disgusted and brokenhearted.

And yet… I stay. Because if I don’t? Who will protect them?

Too many people are being hired to work with disabled children who don’t understand disability—and worse, don’t care to. They brag about working with special needs kids, but they don’t see them as human. They just want a résumé booster, not a relationship.

I’m not writing this for sympathy. I’m writing this because I’ve had enough. This isn’t just one bad teacher, or one bad school. This is happening across the country. And it’s not okay.

We need training. We need accountability. We need trauma-informed, neurodiversity-affirming professionals in these classrooms. Most of all, we need people who see these children as people—not problems.

If you’re in this system too and you’re exhausted: I see you. If you’re a parent who feels helpless: I hear you. If you’re a disabled person who’s survived this system: I stand with you.

Let’s stop pretending this is okay.

I’ve been through a lot—at work, in life, and for as long as I can remember. I’ve dealt with abuse, mistreatment, bullying, assault, and situations where I had to stand up for myself just to be heard.

Even when I spoke up, brought proof, or did the right thing, I was often ignored or silenced. That takes a toll on you. It’s exhausting to keep pushing through, trying to stay professional, kind, and calm when everything around you feels unfair or unsafe.

I’m also carrying trauma that’s not easy to explain. It comes from many places—things that happened when I was younger, and things that still affect me now. Some days I function well. Other days, it all feels too heavy.

I joined this space because I want to heal. I want peace. And I’d like to connect with people who understand what it’s like to carry pain quietly and still try to move forward.

If you relate to any of this, I’d really like to hear from you. #Abuse #assualt #Bullying #survival

Has anyone felt that now that they are healing from past trauma that so many out there dont understand or have a hard time validating someone who has gone through trauma. I have had people say to me... How long are you going to keep "healing" for. I have had a hard time keeping focused since I went through some emotional abuse and so my brain fog or way that I am is a little bit broken and I forget things or mix up dates and then people look at me odd like why can't I do this like most people. Anyways I guess just seeing if anyone else has felt these kind of feelings of being misunderstood or invalidated.

I tried doing some self-care activities like baking, reading, taking photos, going to visit parks, visiting museums, taking photos, doing art and doing a couple of puzzles but while they have given me some relief and i have discovered that i am good at photography, these steps have not made me feel like i am on the road to healing. While i might not have been the most persistent in doing it and i did some of these activities only a few times, my dissociation- i am unable to feel emotions, to feel hungry, thirsty, sleep, relaxed or excited, makes it hard for me to feel like something is reaching me.I am a survivor of sexual abuse and grooming by the therapist who followed me from the age of 4 to 22 between the ages of 8 to 9. She groomed me all the time but the sexual abuse was between the age of 8 to 9. I was also subjected to enmenshment trauma by my parents who suffocated me and manipulated me during family arguments stemming from my father's parkinsons' induced psychosis into beating either of the parents. I have been sexually molested by several men. I am 30 now. I had basically no safe adult, except for arguably one of my uncles who acted as a cool uncle figure. Our teachers in high school used to basically bully us and belittle us.My history includes also stalking and animal abuse on my side. From 2019 to 2021 i stalked someone online after running a gossip campaign against him online when he and his wife made their dog's profile private and i used online apps to get around that. I had in 2023 and early 2024 a beautiful healing relationship with an office cat and when he died, i felt love for the first time. I could have healed but i chose to push back against that love out of a fear of vulnerability and i had two months later a dissociative breakdown where i lost contact with most of my emotions.I realized my trauma and i told my family and friends about it but my family and many of my childhood friends ( not everyone reacted that way but they were the ones i cared the most about because they saw me grow up) invalidated me and i decided to abuse my cat to prove i was beyond redemption and bad. I terrorized her by throwing small balls at her non-stop for her to run after and i hit her a few times with a small ball when she would not "play". There was also another incident in february this year where i stepped on her and i do not know to this day if this was an accident or unconscious abuse. While my cat has mostly recovered from the abuse, she still shows some signs of lingering trauma. While she had almost completely recovered from the abuse last summer, she shows more lingering signs after the incident in february. She did nothing to deserve that.After i had the dissociative breakdown she would use to sit not too far from me in my room but i wanted to push her away. Not long after abusing my cat last summer i repressed my remaining emotions to punish myself for abusing my cat and to counteract the anxiety i felt over small flickers of emotions resurfacing. I keep sabotaging and beating myself all the time. Among all the invalidation last summer i chose to give up on a meaningful life and to just exist and i have not really changed my mind.Words like inner child work and self-compassion seem incredibly challenging, abstract or straight up impossible for me to meet. I know in the abstract that i have a need to be loved, seen, cared for, nurtured but i do not know what to do about it especially when self-care activities do not seem to resonate. Another therapist told me that i am never going to move forward with my life after i left her. I think she was cruel but that she is right, i have invested too much energy in destroying myself for me to come back from this. I am currently no longer with that therapist if you want to know that.What makes it worse is that i could have healed after i felt love for the first time and i chose to throw it all away. As a child i had so much potential and was kind and sensitive. There is a part of me that still believes healing is possible and this is why i am still on there but my brain keeps rejecting any suggestions as impossible or not enough. My breakdown also felt very permanent. A couple of days before it happened it is like i felt it coming and i told a part of me that she was dying and she had nothing to reproach herself for .

Trigger warning: This poem contains depictions of past abuse and trauma. If you are sensitive to this line of topic, please do not read further then thie message. Your mental health is more important than the poems.

Hope you enjoy.....

.....

It is hard

Being my authentic self

Pressured to keep bad company

Despite affecting my mental health

What can I do?

No matter how

Hard I try

You'll always

Accuse me telling a lie

This is ridiculous

It feels as if

I am in a circus

The goal-post always changes

Without my acknowledgment

It is because I am “defective”

with “poor judgement”?

You insinuate that I cannot do

Anything without proof

But act differently towards others

And not aloof

Double standards reveals

True colours of an individual

Putting on a show

Or a facade

Yet, when I disagree

Your resentment would grow

Like a mustard tree

Taller than most houses as it seems

Deeply rooted onto the ground

Similar to my broken self-esteem

There are days

Where I cannot go on

And pretend anymore

Wearing a mask to please others

But what is this all for?

I desire to be seen

As clear as a crystal ball

Not to be treated poorly

Fate can be truly abysmal

My other siblings

Are treated with respect

One can even speak German

But with me?

I am seen as less

Than a vermin.

Being infantilized

Is one of the worst

Feeling ever

A disability

Does not suggest

you are less clever

Yet, here you are

With hatred and ableism

It is all you have

Might are well

Abuse me years ago

Does that ring a bell?

I have been battered,

Punched, spat and choked

By a loved one

But everyone find this to be a joke

Typical

Why am I not surprised anymore?

It is hard

Finding my voice through expression

As I am sinking in deep depression

When given a chance

To form words

I am ignored

Like a flock of mocking birds

A wise man told

Me this once

Blood is not thicker the

Water he said

Trusting the wrong people

Is what most dread

Sometimes I wish

I was never born

In a world

Where outcast given a

cold-shoulder or scorned

#MentalHealth #AutismSpectrumDisorder #Depression #Loneliness #Anxiety #MightyPoets #Selfcare #Trauma #ChronicFatigue #Neurodiversity #SocialAnxiety #SelfharmRecovery #Grief

I grew up deep in purity culture (no sex before marriage or no one will want you).

I am also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I'm really struggling with feeling dirty and corrupted. I feel like no one will want me as a sexual partner due to 'what has been inside me'. And if anyone would want me that would just want to use me.

Has anyone else worked through this?
#Religion #Church #Rape #PTSD #PTSDSupportAndRecovery #Healing

Today’s focus is you. If you’ve been through emotional abuse, whether from a parent or a partner, it’s time to step into survivor mode. Prioritize your emotional well-being and take back your power. Need tips? Just ask here on BPD All the Way. #BPD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #MentalHealth