I cheated on my bf two months into our relationship. I was still in contact with my ex and decided to cut ties with him due to my new relationship.
My ex came to my city and chased me. The last night, i went to his airbnb to talk and end this. However, I froze seeing him beg and cry. I had never seen someone so upset for me and I didn’t even know what to do. I didn’t even know what to say because saying i don’t have feelings for you and that there is someone else, didn’t do much. It was the first breakup (mutual) I ever had in my life and i wasn’t expecting this level of emotions. And when he initiated sex, i numbed. I was a virgin and held onto that. But I cracked under pressure. I went home, threw up and cried for weeks.
I reached out for professional help, because i was struggling to hold the weight of what I had done. It didn’t last long due to other reasons. And I avoided telling the truth out of hurting my bf. But that was worse than actually cheating. It made me into a horrible partner. I always argued with him whenever he called me names or accused me, i argued with him when he felt like he couldnt trust me. I always got mad, I ignored him, I made him feel unwanted, I made him feel insecure. I never realised how much of a manipulator i became and when i look back on it, my chest crumbles at what he had to endure. He always fought so hard to keep me close and i pushed him away.
Fast forward a year later, and i moved to my bfs country. And months later, he went through my phone and found out about my ex. It was then i had told him the truth of that night. It was an emotional rollercoaster. He went through everything on my phone. He accused me of being with multiple men, which, is not true. But in the end, he decided he wanted to stay and make it work.
It has been about a month and things are still raw and fresh. He calls me names everyday, tells me im worth nothing, he has closed off emotionally. He doesn’t really seek me unless its to be intimate, which feels like it has increased. He has continuously dangled the idea of bringing women home, women better than me. And says he cannot wait until i feel what he does. He needs to continuously check my phone, sometimes when im sleeping.
Me on the other hand, i’ve become quieter. Ive started therapy. Trying to break down what led me to where I am now. And how to never let something like this repeat. I have a lot of guilt for hurting him. He went from my sweet boy, to one filled with rage and hatred. I just stay quiet and take it, but sometimes the name calling gets a bit much and i fight back and ask him to stop. Most times I just ask if he needs to talk, he will usually push me away, and I will remind him im there if or when he needs me. My mental health is poor, but so is his. I’m trying to be better, with patience, sometimes I fail and have to withdraw if the verbal abuse gets a bit much. I miss my love. I miss how gentle he was. Its one of the things i loved about him. He was so big and rugged but with me he was so gentle and soft. I miss holding him. I miss his smile. I miss the way he laughs. I miss the spark in his eyes and I’m losing hope that he will get it back with me. I know a month is really nothing, but I’ve had to watch him become so cruel, with no fault of his own.
I’m trying my best to keep the both of us up, during this. We don’t talk much throughout the day. Some days we spend time together when hes home. We’ll go out for a meal or something, but right now, feels like anything I do or say bothers him. I’m starting to feel a bit insecure, like i need to completely strip myself away. Maybe I do. I’m still figuring that out. I did ask if hes willing to go to couples therapy and he said yes initially, but then declined when the time came. I’m not so sure we can go back to what we had as its completely overshadowed by my choices. If we can make it work, I hope that we can build something new. Learn how to date each other again. Rebuild that trust and I know it will take time.
I take full accountability for my wrong doings. I’m committed to rewiring the bad traits in me, and understanding where they come from. I never realised how much trauma from my childhood, still played a role in my 20z, especially with intimacy. But this is also my first time in rather invasive therapy and shes good. She gets me to expose the dirty stuff and break them down. As for my boy, I truly love him with my heart. I failed to choose him when it mattered the most and by doing so, I didn’t protect and hold his heart the way I should have. I don’t know if I’ll get him back, not that I deserve it. But I hope I can get to love him properly again, if he lets me. Maybe thats a selfish want, and truthfully so, he deserves better than me. #
I am not writing this to feel bad about myself. I am writing this to let out the pain that comes from hurting your loved ones. It destroys you. It should. If I could go back in time, I’d change it all. I’d love him better. I’d choose him. And we could have been so much further than we are now. I could have given him a happier home. A wife. A family. Everything he wanted. Instead I took it away. I will forever be sorry for it all.
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