Abuse

#was not wanted and recently validated by my oldest brother. My abuser was my mom as I was growing up. Started with birth @ 1 1/2 pounds n very fragile. Died multiple times first years of my life. There were 4 more kids after me, one being baby sister that was adored by same mom.

When I was around 3, I remember a promise I made to myself, to never cry. That was 2 1/2 yrs after my sexual abuse began by a relative . I have since renounced that oath, but I still don’t cry. Even when I lost my husband of 35 yrs. I feel deeply, I just am unable to express it. I have learned to block all pain. I also have an extremely high pain tolerance. I realize that is where most of my mental and physical problems began. And now at 70, I am still trying to cry. Just now I can say, I’m weird, I’m unique, and I’m ok.

I would appreciate your input.

Since December I have began a very stressful journey of being a new me.
I recovered from laxative abuse and eating disorders which I’ve had on and off consistently for 21 years (I thought it was 19…until I did the math) scary that is!

The nurse practitioner I was seeing assured me that my problems were Fibromyalgia and that my stamina decline was likely due to Covid which I had in 2022. I honestly never thought that Fibromyalgia gets this bad. I had a mild version of it until now.
When I went to the river a while back in my chair. It was the first time being there independently since I moved back here in 2018. I never walked there once because I knew I couldn’t do it.
I rode along those old familiar paths and I couldn’t help but cry. I have memories of when I was a teenager walking my dog there every morning. We went EVERY morning. I was proud of how long I could walk. And when I went along there in my chair I couldn’t help but wonder what the heck happened from that time to now? I don’t recognise that girl anymore. To be honest I feel like I’m stranger to myself now because I’ve lost myself somewhere within those 21 years.
But I’ve decided lately that life is so worth living, I’ve decided that life is a gift!
I had that reality check when I had the kidney scare which scared me enough to recover from Anorexia.

I enjoy each breath I take now, I thank God I woke up this morning and that He was gracious enough to give me more time.
He has opened the Red Sea before my eyes so many times in my life…He is a merciful God. I don’t think we truly understand or trust His mercy because it’s beyond our understanding.

I have to come to accept new me. My painful me, my weak me…I have finally given my body permission to be fragile and it was all the more eager to take me up on that offer.

My brain still wants to do something and contribute something though. And as my Mom suggested maybe I should do some activities in town.
My town doesn’t have many activities to offer but maybe I could go with a group that has day trips? Maybe I could get out more independently and enjoy life as it is now. I feel more confident I’ll survive the trip now that I go in my chair.
My head is clear, it’s my body that no longer wants to come with me. I want to be able to do something each day, especially in winter when the days are so long and boring!

I’m just not sure how? I don’t know how to get involved with anything like that and I don’t want to be a burden to anyone. I’ve thought of going to the Trade Show this year but it’s in the arena and I’m not sure how assessable it is. I don’t want to be a bother to others and I’m not that interested in buying that new swimming pool on show. I just thought it would be something to keep my mind occupied.
Anyways, that’s all for now.
Take care Mighties! God bless! ❤️💕🦄🎨☘️

Don’t tell me to conquer my “demons”. That I have
“emotional baggage”. That I need to clean up my life, repent, repair my relationships and restore my place in society. That I need to change my perspective from “half empty to half full”. Just think positive, smile, lighten up, etc. All of this is dripping with misogynistic beliefs and patriarchal values. No, I won’t put a fucking smile on my face for anyone. I don’t owe anyone pretty, or perfection. I don’t have to be anything other than what I am or feel. I am not ashamed of my mental illnesses or disabilities! I am not trying to rid myself of anything. I embrace all of me. All of my humanity, all my emotions all my feelings, all my wounds, and scars. Don’t ever, ever tell me, my trauma is “darkness”, “evil” or “demons”. That is emotional abuse and is part of the problem that caused most of us to get sick in the first place. Morality causes almost all suffering in society. Not the lack of it, but the strict enforcement of it that leads to all kinds of condemnations, violations of rights and lack of emotional intelligence and empathy in the world. I support Radical Self Acceptance!

#Bipolar2
#Bipolar1
#MajorDepressiveDisorder
#Depression
#SubstanceUseDisorders
#PTSD
#CPTSD

Yesterday I responded to a post regarding Narcissism, as I am a survivor of narcissistic abuse (Hitchcock style, seriously). Over the past few yrs I've uncovered instances where individuals who have studied a particular illness extensively, claim with all certainty that they've thoroughly captured all of its aspects.

This is extremely hard to deal with, because often missing facts perpetuate social vulnerability. Why vulnenerability? Because predators hunt and potential victims can be better equipped for self-defense if they know what to watch out for.

Has anyone else has run into a similar situation for this or any other mental health illness(s)? Dr. Ousterhout, what type of mindfulness approach would you recommend in this type of situation? Any other thoughts you could share would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

#MentalHealth
#ADHD #Trauma #Anxiety #Depression
#ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder
#TraumaticBrainInjury
#PostconcussionSyndrome
#ParoxysmalHemicrania
#ChronicVestibularMigraine

This morning I walked passed a drunken man, who was sitting on a bin he'd knocked over (in fact it was a row of about a dozen he'd pushed over like a row of dominoes). He was busy on the phone talking to someone so I walked on. In the past I might have felt the urge to interfere with what was going on but when we moved back to this town five years ago, I had the revelation that I shouldn't feel guilty about not acting to try to stop something happening. I realised that from previous observations that this wouldn't have stopped this person acting as even if it did then and there, they would wait until I had gone and then do it again or it might lead to violence against me, in the form of verbal abuse or fisticuffs. Nowadays I do what parents have to do with their children and clean up the mess afterwards. This is like Star Trek and the Federation's non interference pact. I now don't feel guilty about something I could have little positive impact upon, if I acted to 'try' to stop something and instead do something positive afterwards that I am happy to do and is affective. If someone doesn't have the discipline to control their own behaviour, then I can't make them do so but I can control my own behaviour, thus not joining them in the hell of pointless conflict

I constantly blame myself for other people's actions and problems sadly

Even though that's out of my control

Just I be paranoid about What Strangers Think about me

diagnosed with Agoraphobia and Social Anxiety disorder bipolar disorder

and Generalized Anxiety disorder and panic disorder and PTSD

Not Paranoid like Having Delusions or something

But Paranoid About What people Think about me.

Like I Rarely leave my house. Because of my anxiety and stuff As usual

Not going to go in detail about Agoraphobia and Generalized Anxiety and social anxiety and etc

But the times I do leave my house I be so exhausted

But I be thinking my neighbors when they see me are mad at me or something

Like when I hear them slam the door or something

I be thinking I did something wrong to make them slam the door

Like I literally tip toe around my home because I be scared I'm being kinda loud

Even though my house is very quiet

I don't even have people over my house

Since I don't have friends and I don't leave my house which is my fault

But I literally tip toe

I'm 6'2" 225lbs but Im a bigger guy

But I literally tip toe because I just be paranoid

About my neighbors

Even though that drives me nuts with so much worrying

Like I Have a next door neighbor that plays music loud on weekends sometimes to 1 2 3 4 am sometimes

I don't personally have a problem with him playing music though

That's what works for him

Even though majority of the time I listen to music on my Noise Cancelling Headphones.

But I be thinking my neighbors are mad at me or think I'm playing that loud music

Which I'm not personally. Majority of the time I listen on my headphones which sounds like a sound system

That My Dad used to have in the trunk of his car with the DJ speakers in the trunk

Like it be so loud the car starts rattling a little.

But since I have a hard time leaving my house

I don't really go anywhere outside of food or bills or pharmacy or physical appointments

Which gets tiring and stupid but my body reacts all the time

Plus the medicine I take makes me sleepy during the day

Like If I wake up early I still feel constantly tired and end up going back to sleep

Sometimes 10 + hours which throws off my natural sleep pattern

Since the medicine helps a lot but that side effect of tiredness

Regardless of how early I take it.

But since I only be at home

I can't go to in public but private chain commercial gyms

Since it's full of people and I had a few panic attacks

And never could get a workout in so I wasted money

On a membership and I never used the gym properly the way I want

So I'm my anxiety and my brain just reacts in front of people

Headaches and temporary blurry vision and all kinds of weird symptoms

So I had to get gym equipment to workout at home

Which has been so helpful for me

Which workout at home if the medicine doesn't mess up my schedule

Since it messes up my workout schedule

Because it makes me so tired

Since due to my Agoraphobia I only workout at home

Due to my Agoraphobia and anxiety etc not leaving my house

Which causes me not to be active even though I'm a naturally active person

But anxiety is so detrimental to me physically

I was at risk of Type 2 Diabetes

since it runs in my family as a African American Male in His Late 20s Early 30s

I was at Prediabetic Range when I got blood work done

So I wasn't working out then

But I used to workout at home growing up since I had weightlifting equipment

But lost my weights in storage when my Stepdad passed away in 2015 which since I couldn't leave my house

Caused me to not be as active

Which In turn since I can't afford the best diet as well

Even though I want to eat better and I do try

Just healthy food is so expensive. When you have to consistently buy it

Especially when building muscle and stuff. Since muscle needs protein and calories naturally

Which I used to undereat throughout my 20s

Atleast protein wise.

But Working out At home

I be Very quiet working out since I live upstairs

And I have a silencing pad if I'm doing rows which I be so paranoid about me making noise

Even though I'm quiet.

I don't do deadlifts personally because it is awkward to me

But I do rows which helps my back

And I have a Silencing pad that silence all the noise

Even though I be very quiet working out

Even though my workouts last maybe at most 2 hours

But different exercises since your body can't handle doing the same exercises over and over again

Which I had to do at jobs lifting heavy loads of veggies and fruits and boxes constantly

Which I was very anxious and had blurred vision and all kinds of stuff

Panic symptoms as usual when I leave my house

And I was still trying to move those fruit barrels that at filled with water and fruits and veggies that spilled on the floor

From the work floor and having to dump that every 10 minutes

300 lb 400 lbs barrels with manual strength no pallet jack to dump it on a higher surface.

Since water 💦 is very heavy when it's compact in a tote or container with veggies and fruits

Which adds weight people don't realize how heavy that is.

Water is very heavy. And water is not compact like that it's very unstable compared to free weights.

Think of a water bed 🛏️ a water bed is heavier than the most heaviest mattress.

Water is different than air

Oxygen or air is not heavy a air mattress is very light

But water or a regular mattress is heavier

Which I had panic attacks on those jobs not going to go in detail about it

McDonald's and Warehouses and factories and goodwill and a few department stores

And adult beverage trucks I used to unload which with my anxiety

I also used to get flashbacks looking at alcohol or being around it.

But back to home workouts

Just I be scared my neighbors mad at me for working out

Even though I am very quiet and I don't work out at late at night or anything past 10 pm

Just I be anxious and thinking my neighbors mad at me even though they don't know me

Because I rarely leave my house like that

Which my neighbors kinda realized I don't leave my house Alot.

Some tried to ask me why I don't leave My house

But I was so anxious to tell them

The truth which is my anxiety and stuff.

But I just be paranoid

Because working out at home is a coping mechanism for me

I be so cautious I don't even make noise even during the day

I tip toe around my home

Which is probably weird

My neighbor's never told me they had a problem

But I guess me living with people in the past kinda give me bad memories

Of people slamming their doors because I had a hard time leaving my room

And stuff.

And I don't drink nor do drugs

Which not shaming nobody that does.

Just I have a long family history of substance abuse disorders

Especially Alcohol

So I got bad memories from family members that used to cause violent and still get nightmares about

So I found working out at home is a natural coping mechanism for my anxiety

Just I feel no anxiety after I workout

But it only lasts a hour before my anxiety comes back

But that hour after working out at home

It helps me feel so good and relaxing

Like my anxiety disappears pretty much

But after a hour slowly comes back.

But I understand some people drink and do drugs to cope with their stress or stuff

But for me personally since substance abuse strongly runs in my family

And left some bad memories

And I have a addictive personality

And sometimes substance abuse can be genetic

Since I have a family history of substance abuse disorders

Going back several generations

And I know if I try hard drugs or alcohol I might get hooked

Plus I had family members that organs like liver or kidneys and heart sadly was damaged or had health problems

And I don't want to deal with another issue on top of my anxiety and nightmares and stuff

Just working out helps and works for me

Hi there, I am new here and figuring out what I should be doing. I have spent way too much time trying to find a group online for support. Something always seemed to block a breakthrough. Well, I had to do a lot of healing by myself and am happy I am alive and that I was able to manage. Although it would have been easier if I was in the right company. I hope to find good prayers and energy to keep me going, my work and finances suffered tremendously due what happened to me to lingering bad relationships and abuse. #PTSDSupportAndRecovery

We know that narcissism and gaslighting both lend themselves to abusive treatment, but they are actually two different things. They’re both extremely destructive. They both have serious negative effects on the people around them. And people who are victims of narcissistic abuse or gaslighting face similar problems in determining what to do about it. Let’s take a deeper dive.

Narcissism is a psychiatric condition—a personality disorder—that’s included in the DSM and has been recognized for years. The DSM says that NPD involves “a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts.” Diagnostic criteria include a need for excessive admiration, a sense of entitlement, interpersonally exploitive behavior, a lack of empathy, a belief that others are envious of them, and arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes. Narcissism is a personality trait, while clinically, Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a psychiatric condition.

(I will not now be discussing politics. Diagnosis-at-a-distance is not valid or desirable. Diagnosis can only be made by a mental health professional who has actually spoken to the person in question.)

Gaslighting, on the other hand, is a form of psychological manipulation that narcissistic abusers sometimes use to control another person by making them doubt their own reality and sanity. But people other than narcissists use gaslighting as well. They could simply have narcissistic tendencies but not be diagnosable or diagnosed with NPD.

In other words, narcissism focuses on a sense of grandiosity and superiority, while gaslighting focuses on the way one person manipulates another in an abusive manner.

Gaslighting gets its name from a movie that showed a husband who tried to convince his wife that she was insane, for personal gain. The term has entered the non-psychiatric discourse and is used very loosely to mean any kind of abusive tactics rather than the specific one of causing another person to doubt their own reality.

Gaslighting can be one tactic that people with NPD use when they do abuse others, but there are a number of other toxic behaviors they demonstrate as well. Someone engaging in narcissistic abuse can use a variety of techniques to emotionally manipulate another person. They may belittle and demean their victim, isolate them from friends and family, and use intermittent reinforcement (in which they sometimes praise and show love for the victim, then take any opportunity to insult and blame them).

A gaslighter denies the victim’s perception of reality. They may explain their abusive behavior as “just a joke.” They may deny that their victim’s memory of an incident is true. They create a sense of cognitive dissonance in which the victim’s lived experience is at odds with what the abuser says really happened. There is obviously a great deal of overlap between gaslighting and narcissistic abuse.

The effects of narcissistic abuse or gaslighting can be severe. Victims can feel low self-esteem, internalize the abuse and believe they are to blame for it or brought it on themselves, feel alienation from friends and family, have difficulty trusting others, be unable to make decisions, and not feel able to maintain a sense of self. They frequently stay with the abuser, unable to recognize what is happening. They may feel they can change the abuser. They can’t.

The best way to counteract the harmful effects of narcissistic abuse or gaslighting is to get away from it. Admittedly, this is difficult to do. The victim may have been conditioned to believe that the abuser loves them and not want to give up on the relationship. Even if the victim does leave, it may take a long time and most likely therapy for them to realize what actually happened and define it as abuse.

Setting boundaries can help, though an abuser is not likely to respect them. Seeking support from friends, family, a psychologist, or group therapy may well be necessary. Couples counseling is not likely to help. The abuser may not admit that they need help. Education can be empowering. Once you learn about the dynamics and techniques of abuse or gaslighting, you’re less likely to be susceptible to them.

But the best thing to do is not to get involved with a narcissist or a gaslighter in the first place. It’s a situation that’s a lot easier to get into than to get out of. Watch for red flags, then keep your distance. They may seem attractive at first, but they’re trouble waiting to happen.