Help me achieve my goal of seeing my mother as a sexually abusive predator/molester
So I am kind of in a state of mania but I need help
So Jeantte Mccurdy's book came out recently
And there are these like huge discussions of mother daughter sexual abuse going around
And now my goal is to see my dead mom as a sexual abuser and for me to see myself as a sexual abuse survivor
but I need help doing this
Can someone help dp this for me?!
Anxious as hell.
I don't normally post about my anxiety, but it's been so crazy bad recently I feel a bit like I'm losing my mind. This is not my first rodeo by any means, but it is since I got #Fibromyalgia .
Now my anxiety is causing my fibro to flare up into almost unbearable agony & vice versa. Well, I say unbearable. I suppose it isn't actually bearable. Because it's been going on for a month now. And tonight it's been so bad I'm having suicidal thoughts. Not "oh I wanna kill myself" at least but definitely "oh my god I wish I was dead." I just don't know what the f*** to do now? #Anxiety #Abuse #Trauma
Each day is a new opportunity to learn about yourself.
Today I learned that my Disorganized/Fearful attachment style and my people pleasing are connected. That my trauma driven behaviors are actually the result of my attachment style.
If you are curious and want to know what your style is, there are tons of quizzes online.
I suggest taking one. It changed my perspective and helped me to understand what I need to change. I need to be more trusting and more mindful in my relationships.
Slowly, I am learning what drives my behaviors and the more I know the more I can heal.
The Long Goodbye
The long goodbye 💜
After 45 years
I thought this breakup would have been easier
I love you, and everything you’ve done for me
But I can’t live with you and your abuse
I hate you and everything you do to me
You are a tease
You let me hope
You make me feel strong enough
To take on the world
Or just do a load of laundry
Then you loosen your grip
And let me free fall
I know this
I also know that what goes up must come back down
The real questions have no answers
How far the drop?
How hard the impact ?
How long the recovery process?
Will I ever be the same?
Oh God! I have to vomit
Par for the course
So goodbye Prednisone
But stay close
I’m sure we’ll meet again
Even if just for a few days
Please just promise
You’ll take it easy on me 💜
These days I'd rather end my life than actually face the extreme pain of trauma processing
What I see before me now in the trauma I have looked into that I experienced in childhood is something genuinely do not want to deal with
But I know I have to
And because its inevitable and I see it as too hard for me to genuinely handle on top of everything else, I've been seeing giving up as a viable option
I don't want to do this work
I don't want to go down this path
I'd rather not bother trying to heal something that will knock the wind out of me and leave me in a state of emotional distress
This is my limit and I cannot face anything else
Joining In Today
Good Morning 💙
I am new to The Mighty and to this group. I am learning I may be dealing with #CPTSD . I have navigated my marriage falling apart (a 22 year relationship with two young daughters) psychological abuse and some physical and now my husband (legally) has a meth addiction. I got and then lost my dream job along with the people there that had become family. And most recently went through a new relationship and then horrible break up. I'm even embarrassed to say I haven't been able to handle the break up because I'm 48 and it seems ridiculous (that's what my mind says) The way it happened was the most hurtful part and the things that were said to me as well.
I have years of experience with therapy and other wellness techniques. I'm actually known in my friend circles as being someone to go to for Help and also strength. However...my normal techniques to "bring myself back" just don't seem to be working. I did go through about two months of suicidal thoughts since this break up...but I seem to be pulling out of that. I have had extreme anxiety and been managing that with #four square breathing and also small doses of Ativan here and there. I've been caring for my Mom who had open heart surgery in March. I had to move from my home in May and everything I own is in storage. I've been doing therapy a touch...but my daughter is having some huge issues and I've mostly been focusing on her therapy and trying to get her the support she needs.
I'm normally a much better writer and I know these thoughts are disorganized. I guess maybe that's a good indication of the condition of my mind.
I'm reaching out here because I know that the CPTSD symptoms have taken over and it is beyond my ability to manage them.
I do have some support networks. Friends I talk with from time to time (but never want to burden them too much)
I did reach out a few times when I was feeling suicidal but my X boyfriend said I should follow through with my threats. Twice he said I should kill myself. And that I was attention seeking.
I am currently not on a daily maintenance med...formerly on Prozac. Didn't really want to take that route but not sure if I need to now.
I do try to do some things for myself. I have had training in Sound Healing...with an amazing teacher. Using drumming to manage symptoms. Deep breathing...relaxation techniques etc. I love it and promote it everywhere...hosted a few events myself etc.
I can't seem to go anywhere without these extra thoughts. Intrusive, rude thoughts. They won't leave me alone. And I've about had it with them.
I'm hoping to learn from others here about some CPTSD treatments that have worked for them and also more about it in general.
Thank you for listening 🙏💜
The reality, with the severity of the trauma I experienced, is a life that will mostly be of pain, suicidality, and immense struggle
I will have more bad days and bad moments than days where I will feel in control
If I live a long life, it will be a mostly miserable one
It's better to live a short life that is with happy moments than a long miserable one
If I was ever diagnosed with an incurable disease, it would honestly be for the best
People with my kind of trauma can't live healthy fulfilling lives...