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It’s a weepy emotional day for me

Just under some heavy realizations about my illnesses. This paired with some painful anniversaries & a delicate attempt to cautiously re establish relationship with my abusive mother (who is a different person now….kinda - enough for other family members to encourage me to at least have a surface civility kind of arrangement - plus my attempts to exercise forgiveness and get passed the fact that she has been the villain in my story for 44 years). I’m not getting too close, but I’m willing to at least have a minimally interactive “friendly” experience. There is a lot more to it, 4 decades of confusing, horrific and dangerous situations that inform this situation, but it’s too much to post here.
What I’m wanting to say here is that I have some big situations in play that mean that my time and attention is required in order to make a wise decision. And along side the pressure of those things are the symptoms of my diagnosed illnesses that affect my ability to do life in general where my symptoms are problematic right now. Along side that are things happening in my family that are digging up some deep seated personal difficulties – which includes but is not limited to the situation with reestablishing civility with my mother. Thankfully my marriage is in a healthy place, but it is undeniable and practically tangible the stress that my husband is under as he tries to support me through all of this. The frustration he feels at not being able to fix these things for me and make things better so that we can focus on happier better things, but he handles it graciously 99% of the time. There is also the shame that I battle daily because I cannot fix myself with enough research on my conditions and sheer willpower. The deeply entrenched circles of thought patterns that I fall into & walk around in (which I feel is a waste of my time in this preciously short life)and it gets to the point where I need help to be pulled up and out of them…and I just wish I could do the getting out myself so that it would give those who love me less to feel responsible for.
It’s just one of those days where I feel the weight of it more than usual. That’s all.
It’s a weepy emotional day for me. #PMDD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #CPTSD #childhoodsexualabusesurvivor #childhoodabusesurvivor #SuicideSurvivor

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Growing up with PTSD #CPTSD #childhoodsexualabusesurvivor #DID

I'm grateful for the perspective of my almost 60 years in dealing with my recovery.

Although I was hospitalized this year, I can now see that an entire year has passed since the last time I was hospitalized.

This is an enormous jump in progress! Beginning in my 30's, I have enjoyed the luxury suite in the mental ward at least 3 times a year.

I am particularly pleased that I made it through 2020 and the COVID-19 crisis by asking for help, something I have historically had a hard time doing.

To what do I attribute this change? Resiliency. I have read that the definition of courage is being afraid and doing it anyway.

I can say now that I ask for help more than not, particularly when I'm afraid because I've acted through my fear enough to see that people are there to help, unlike my childhood.

It sure feels good to grow up, even if it's taken awhile. 🥳

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The Self Healing Mission!

So I can't recommend these books enough for anyone who has been through childhood abuse or is the partner to someone who was abused.

'The Courage to Heal' is for the Survivor
And 'Allies in Healing' is a book to help those who love you understand..

I have to admit that so far I've only read the one for partners (it turned up first) but even from the perspective of the Survivor I found it Amazingly Insightful and I really do think if I'd have been able to show it to some of my ex partners, they wouldn't be ex's or at least would have been able to understand my struggles on a deeper level!

They are Amazing books and I can't wait to read The Courage to Heal, the introduction has already made me shed Powerful, freeing tears!
I struggle to cry for years at a time due to my hormones, that is a profound and needed part of my healing!

#PTSD #CPTSD #BipolarDepression #Books #selfhelp #Survivor #SurvivorsGuilt #Childhoodtrauma #Abuse #Early Childhood Trauma #ChildhoodAbuse #Selflove #waystocope #Hope #RapeSurvivors #childhoodsexualabusesurvivor #partnersofsurvivors #MyLovelyWifeInThePsychWard


Major depression episode

Definitely having a major depressive episode the past few days. Everything seems to be getting on top of me all at once. In the early hours of Friday night a week ago I think I had a miscarriage... Not feeling great still awaiting test results from the Dr. Didn't want anyone to know until I knew for sure but my partner told his mum and it went around the family. I ended up getting a text saying sorry for the sad news. I hadn't a clue that she knew. It really set me off. Not the worst thing I suppose but lately I've been extremely stressed suffering panic attacks major anxiety afraid to go outside afraid to drive. Shaking with fear when the phone rang not being able to answer a call. It would take me hours to mentally prep myself to return even one of my msny missed calls. All I wanted to do was lay in bed and detach and zone out. Didn't want to shower or clean my home every room is now a mess. I'm not normally like this letting the house get so messy with loads of laundry to be done. I'm dreading going outside... And I'm dreading Monday. I had an argument with my partner recently and he said that I have to face reality and I'm making him hide from it too. I managed to get out of bed today. I'm going to try and eat something... Even though I feel sick. Does anyone else ever feel like this. I'm trying to baby step tasks and not beat myself up for not having the energy to get everything done in one day. I also woke up after dreaming of my abusers from childhood in the dream I was feeling sorry for them I hugged thtm and wanted them to be happy. Really shook me. Any advice would be great. #CPTSD # Generalised anxiety # agoraphobia #childhoodsexualabusesurvivor #OCD


So hard on myself. #CPTSD #childhoodsexualabusesurvivor

Today is 1 week I have been married to my amazing wife. She is 19 weeks pregnant right now and has HG. We have a 4 year old and a 7 year old occupying our days. I JUST got hired for a new job and I start new hire training on Wednesday.

She is monitoring our son's virtual learning this year and doing some at home preschool with our daughter. She also is managing somehow to work virtual/from home part time hours when she can manage it.

I don't know how she does it. I feel like a piece of shit that I am just barely making it through a day for myself. I have therapy 3x a week and I am staying clean and sober. It's a lot. I feel like I have accomplished nothing. She is proud of me....but I feel like an absolute nothing.


Dinner ideas... When to exhausted to cook

Hi family...

Just had my first counselling session in months today.. Feeling really drained and sleepy all I want to do is cuddle up watch some feel good movies and snack in my bed... But its that dreaded dinner time again... And I'm tired of take out nor can I continue to afford it.

Has anyone got and quick dinner rescue ideas...
Would really appreciate it.
🤗 #CPTSD #generlizedanxietydisorder #MajorDepressiveDisorder #childhoodsexualabusesurvivor


Feeling like the #CPTSD #Anxiety is trying to take over.

Lately, I feel that no matter what I am currently dealing with- I always come back to and start blaming my #CPTSD and relating what is currently happening to what occurred in my past. I feel that since I decided to finally be open and talk about my past, (within that last two/three years) it has started to seep in during the trying times. (For example, currently I am dealing with a lot of pain due to moving/packing/lifting boxes and I feel like I am constantly blaming the abuse or relating things back to the abuse for just about everything whenever I start to feel upset or emotional. I definitely feel like the pain itself just makes my emotions harder to keep a handle on.) Has this happened to anyone else? Is this kind of a "normal" thing to go through when recovering? Thanks for any thoughts/helpful hints, I'm a new user here and am still nervous about being open. #TraumaSurvivors #Anxiety #CPTSD #Depression #childhoodsexualabusesurvivor #Pain


Finding peace and freedom. #PTSD #childhoodsexualabusesurvivor

I have had the best stretch of time in awhile. I have not been perfect in terms of my recovery but the past 7 weeks have been a whirlwind. I found on out 5/30 that my girlfriend was cheating and had been for a bit. I was floored and honestly just had no clue how I had missed the signs. Through therapy and reflecting back I have realized how much I missed based on some of my past abuse and the gaslighting that was happening.

I have been struggling with being honest with myself and with everyone because I truly don't want judgement. I just want to be happy. In May I wasn't a happy person and reading back on posts I know I wasn't. I had just turned 25 and I wanted to be someone else. I wanted change but yet I felt so trapped by my substance abuse, depression, seizures, lifestyle, and self injury.

But...on May 30th...the first person I called when I was told that my ex-girlfriend had been someone I least expected to stick with me. Her name is Hensley. She isn't on this app but she knows I am writing this for therapy homework (my therapist told me I should share). Hensley and I have a history that I won't dive to far into....if you know me at all you have heard some of this. But long story short she returned back in my life after about 4 years of being away. A week before my ex told me about the cheating Hensley shared with me that we have a daughter. She is beautiful and will be turning 4 soon. I got to meet her not long ago and I can't imagine life without these 2 now.

So...May 30th... Hensley came to my rescue. She came and stayed the night with me as I was drunk off my a$$ and very not in my right headspace. She made me realize there was so much more for me. She never gave up on the idea of us...even though almost 4 years had separated us.'s July 16th and Hensley and I are expecting. According to the OBGYN she is almost 7 weeks along. (Please don't judge if you're doing math here. And please forgive me for lying about waiting for her... we had s*x 1x and then waited again for a bit because I felt so guilty about what happened). Hensely and I are also now engaged. Yes... I know....roll your eyes...let your jaw drop. It's fast. But you don't know the history so take my word that it's all really okay.

I finally for once in my life feel safe. Secure. Wanted. And I have been able to stay clean from street drugs since April and alcohol since May 31st. Longest in a while. Hensely has changed my perspectives. Made me realize that I was looking the wrong way. I have been a more invested man, friend, partner, dad, and worker . People are asking me what has changed. It's that drastic.

I am scared to say this.....but I am happy. Happy you guys!!!! And I mean it!!! 😁😁😁

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How do I grieve and celebrate? #childabusesurvivor #childhoodsexualabusesurvivor

On Friday my biological dad's brother called my son's grandmother (I know it's nuts), the only person in my life who still has contact with my biological family, and he told her he had to speak to me. I don't live with her anymore like he expected of me (even though he knows I am 25, have a 7 year old son whom I have custody of full time, and have a Master's degree.) So, she had to give him my number. I haven't had contact with him for a reason either....he harmed me and my sister sexually when we were 11. He is the last voice I wanted to hear.

He called to tell me that my biological mom had had a stroke. They were taking her into the hospital but it didn't look good. He said that if I knew what was the right thing to do I would come and say goodbye/pay respects and prove I wasn't truly worthless.. since I had already abandoned my own mother.

I was floored. I haven't seen or spoken to my mother since I was 14 and had to testify in court against their right of my twin and I. They lost their rights and never tried to regain anything with my sister and I. We both got placed with a family in our area together and we aged out of the system.

I lost it Friday night with emotions and felt so confused. I fought so many emotions. I didn't want to face any of them. Saturday he TEXTED me to tell me I made a mistake and it was too late. She had passed away. Such a dick.

Now....even though I told a few Mighties that I didn't want anything to do with her and that I don't care..I have realized that I care and I am angry and confused and lost...but not how I expected.

SHE was supposed to care.
SHE was supposed to be someone I would be sad died.
But instead I am relieved she is gone.
How am I supposed to grieve this?
What do I do?

The 2nd part of this is all is that yesterday amidst all of this turmoil, I got engaged. It had been planned prior to finding out about my mom and I was not about to let my past ruin my future. So....I proposed to my very best friend and it was perfect. Her family has been a rock in my life since I was 12 years old. Our history has been intense and off and on, but we now have a year old little girl whom I adore. My best friend also gets to be 'mama' officially to my son. I am so grateful for her.
And...She has an amazing mom. And her mom came to me yesterday amidst all the joy and just hugged me...and said "I have always been like your mom....and now I give you permission to call me Mom. I know I can't change your past, but I am here and will be". I just don't know how to balance these two very different emotions. My normal tendency is to numb out...and I don't want to end up there.


Memory of a Vacation with my Narcissistic Dad

I went to visit my very abusive dad (and clueless step-mom) of my own accord when I was 23. I saved money and flew across the country. I think my main reason was to see my 14yo step-sister who I loved and was always concerned about. Unfortunately I only got to see her once. She was a very busy and popular schoolgirl. It was also her week to stay with her dad. Now I finally realize my dad set it up that way on purpose. Most of the week I sat at the kitchen table playing solitaire the old fashioned way. I recall overhearing my step-mom going to my dad in the living room. She told him that I didn't come here to spend the whole week just to play solitaire. He said he didn't know what to do with me. So he took me to the mall. The whole time was awkward. We didn't shop anywhere. He didn't buy me a meal, a treat, or even a soda. Not then or on the way home. I imagine our conversation was probably two strangers unsure if we wanted to get to know one another. It's all I remember about the trip. I've always wondered why I would ever want to visit my dad. I didn't like my step-mom very much. But I adored my step-sister and was always concerned about her, of course. I've always wondered why he ignored me and let me sit at the table for hours for the week that I was there. I was listening to Healing from Hidden Abuse (meaning, psychological) by Shannon Thomas. I've known for a while now that my dad was a narcissist. So now I understand that his silence was to let me know, "You love me. Ha! Dumb sh*t. I'll just quietly let you know that you mean nothing to me. I can't believe you are too stupid to know that after all these years." Now that know this I can just accept it as part of the abusive a-hole that he was. He'd certainly done worse things. I'm content to finally understand and not waste any emotional energy on him. It's another insight that takes me another step closer to healing. #daughtersof narcissisticfathers #childhoodsexualabusesurvivor #CPTSD #Depression #Anxiety #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder