It’s a weepy emotional day for me
Just under some heavy realizations about my illnesses. This paired with some painful anniversaries & a delicate attempt to cautiously re establish relationship with my abusive mother (who is a different person now….kinda - enough for other family members to encourage me to at least have a surface civility kind of arrangement - plus my attempts to exercise forgiveness and get passed the fact that she has been the villain in my story for 44 years). I’m not getting too close, but I’m willing to at least have a minimally interactive “friendly” experience. There is a lot more to it, 4 decades of confusing, horrific and dangerous situations that inform this situation, but it’s too much to post here.
What I’m wanting to say here is that I have some big situations in play that mean that my time and attention is required in order to make a wise decision. And along side the pressure of those things are the symptoms of my diagnosed illnesses that affect my ability to do life in general where my symptoms are problematic right now. Along side that are things happening in my family that are digging up some deep seated personal difficulties – which includes but is not limited to the situation with reestablishing civility with my mother. Thankfully my marriage is in a healthy place, but it is undeniable and practically tangible the stress that my husband is under as he tries to support me through all of this. The frustration he feels at not being able to fix these things for me and make things better so that we can focus on happier better things, but he handles it graciously 99% of the time. There is also the shame that I battle daily because I cannot fix myself with enough research on my conditions and sheer willpower. The deeply entrenched circles of thought patterns that I fall into & walk around in (which I feel is a waste of my time in this preciously short life)and it gets to the point where I need help to be pulled up and out of them…and I just wish I could do the getting out myself so that it would give those who love me less to feel responsible for.
It’s just one of those days where I feel the weight of it more than usual. That’s all.
It’s a weepy emotional day for me. #PMDD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #CPTSD #childhoodsexualabusesurvivor #childhoodabusesurvivor #SuicideSurvivor